Idris Elba, Sexiest Man Alive, Is A Gross Kisser

Today, Idris Elba was named People’s 2018 Sexiest Man Alive. It’s an unbelievable honor for the unbelievably hot actor, but before the world showers him with endless compliments, there’s something I have to say. I’m not sure Idris Elba knows how to make out. As Stringer Bell in The Wire, Elba kisses with so much tongue that you’d think he’s a dog trying to get the last bit of peanut butter out of a toy. We’re talking full-on licking, plus some slurping noises that definitely did not deserve to make it into the final sound mix. Is Elba a bad kisser IRL? Or did David Simon create The Wire and say, “Let’s have Stringer Bell use way too much tongue to the point that it’s not even hot to watch him hook up with people?” The world may never know, but that sure as hell won’t stop me from attempting to investigate.

**What follows will forever change the way you look at Idris Elba. Continue at your own risk.**

While Stringer Bell’s friends (and enemies) got to bone like 24/7 on The Wire, old man String didn’t get his chance until Season 2, when he started dating Donette (Shamyl Brown) while her boyfriend, D’Angelo Barksdale, was in prison. When they hit it off, I was super excited: it was finally time to see the future Sexiest Man Alive in action. But alas, that excitement quickly faded when I saw that Stringer kisses like a seventh grader who never realized that their older sibling’s make out “lesson” was a prank. Stringer goes in IMMEDIATELY with his tongue, and it would be generous to say that he sticks the landing. Instead of making out with Donette’s mouth, his tongue kind of catches on her chin, and he’s forced to (or wants to?) lick his way up until he hits her lips. If the phrase “lick his way up until he hits her lips” doesn’t distress you, I really think you should reconsider your own kissing strategy.

I get it: people french in different ways. But you cannot — I repeat, CANNOT — tell me that I should be able to see your tongue before it makes it into someone else’s mouth. What’s Newton’s Law? For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, and in this case, the equal and opposite reaction to Elba’s tongue-y kiss is me projectile vomiting.

But this has to just be a single bad moment in the Elba-verse, right? Wrong. Elba goes tip-first (obviously I’m referring to the tip of his tongue) in each of his sex scenes in The Wire, practically all of which were with Brown’s Donette. Here’s Stringer grossly kissing Donnette in Season 2 Episode 3, “Hot Shots”:

Again with the chin lick? Brown must have had to wipe an entire pool of water off her face after shooting that scene.

Elba shows off his tongue once again in Season 3 Episode 4, “Amsterdam.” This time, String lands a little closer to Donette’s mouth, but there’s still an unsettling moment where his tongue leads the charge in their kiss, effectively negating anything sexy about the moment. Sexiest Man Alive or not, I don’t want to see your gross-ass tongue, man!

Three off-putting GIFs is about all I can stomach, so I’m going to officially close this case. The verdict? Idris Elba may be the Sexiest Man Alive, but he’s still a gross kisser. If only there were someone out there who could teach him how to make out… Just kidding. Kind of.

Where to stream The Wire