‘Riverdale’ Can You Please Stop Destroying Archie’s Beautiful Body

I believe it was Benjamin Franklin who most famously coined the phrase, “In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death, taxes, and Archie taking his shirt off at a moment’s notice on Riverdale.” I may be paraphrasing slightly, mind you, but it’s still true: it wouldn’t be an episode of The CW’s drama if Archie Andrew’s (KJ Apa) chiseled abs weren’t revealed at some point during the hour. So why does the show seem so focused this season on destroying his beautiful, perfect body?

For those of you who haven’t had a glimpse of Apa’s ab-as, which is probably about 1% of the world at this point, the dude is ripped. Like, if you look at the word “ripped” in the dictionary, not only is Apa’s picture there, but the definition just says, “Damn.”

Let’s take a quick look at shirtless Archie looking moody while standing in a swimming hole, shall we?

There he is. Pretty much a perfect specimen of humanity right there, down to his dyed, perfectly spiked hair. Yet Season 3 of Riverdale has been characterized by marring his physique as much as humanly possible. It all started in the premiere, when ol’ Archiekins was given a Southside Serpents tattoo on his right shoulder, in order to get him in good with the gang once he was sent to Juvie.

That’s not a huge deal. Annoying for the makeup department, to be sure, particularly since everyone else’s serpent tats are usually hid behind the shirts they actually keep on. But the Archie with the Serpent Tattoo: A New Serpent Tattoo Story isn’t a deal-breaker.

Even when Archie was beaten up during a prison riot (a real thing that happened on the show) or drafted into an underground fight club (also a real thing that happened on the show) and got the shit repeatedly kicked out of him, you knew he’d recover. A couple of bruises? An eye swollen shut? No big deal for Riverdale’s second favorite musician!

Then “Chapter Forty: The Great Escape” rolled around, and with it a sense that they are trying to turn Don Juan into Quasimodo. First, Archie was tied to his bed and branded by the prison warden as punishment for trying to arrange a breakout:

Later, Joaquin (Rob Raco) stabbed him in the gut in an attempt to “ascend” as tribute to the mysterious Gargoyle King.

By episode’s end, Archie is lying in a bed covered in bruises, snoring away, brands and stab wounds and tattoos all over his body. Is it possible that next episode he could say “well I went to the doctor and now I’m all better”? Sure, this is Riverdale after all. But for now, every time the show chisels away at those chiseled abs, it feels like someone taking their keys to the Mona Lisa.

So please, Riverdale… Sacrifice whomever you want to The Gargoyle King. Break up any of the couples. But please, leave Archie’s body alone.

Riverdale airs Wednesdays at 8/7c on The CW.

Where to stream Riverdale