Nick Offerman Should Play A Grumpy Santa

Earlier this year I had the opportunity to attend the Sundance Film Festival. It was a blast. The hotel I stayed at had this incredible outdoor make your own s’more station, fire pit and all. Can you even imagine? All you can eat s’mores?! The movies were pretty cool, too. My favorite event of the week, however, was an uproarious joint Q&A featuring Nick Offerman and Jason Mantzoukas. The two actors were promoting their respective Sundance films, Hearts Beat Loud and The Long Dumb Road, and the combination of Mantzoukas’ helter-skelter energy and Offerman’s tranquil humor was just as glorious as you’d expect. It was there, at the Cinema Café in Park City, Utah, that I began to appreciate the true versatility of Nicholas Offerman. The man (myth? modern day Bill Brasky?) can do anything, which is why I’m imploring Hollywood to create a Nick Offerman grumpy Santa film.

This makes almost too much sense, right? Why in the actual hell hasn’t Nick Offerman portrayed a grumpy Santa Claus? We have a Bad Santa, a Tim Allen Santa, and a Paul Giamatti-Claus. We even have a film in which former WCW and WWE Champion Bill Goldberg plays jolly old St. Nick, and not one but two movies starring Jenny McCarthy as Santa’s daughter.

This omission wouldn’t be as glaring if there weren’t hundreds (thousands? millions?) of new holiday movies premiering every year. No offense to Candace Cameron Bure, Lacey Chabert, or literally anybody who’s ever even stepped foot on the set of One Tree Hill, but how many times are we expected to watch a rivalry blossom into a Christmas romance in or around a small-town bookstore before we get one Nick Offerman grumpy Santa film? The answer, seemingly, is infinity, but that doesn’t change the fact that the former Ron Swanson portraying a reluctant Kris Kringle would be aces.

If you’re on the fence, watch Offerman recite his twisted version of “Twas The Night Before Christmas” on The Tonight Show and tell me I’m wrong.

Nick Offerman as an irritated Santa is a slam dunk. We already know that Offerman — an experienced actor, improviser, musical performer, host, woodworker, etc — has the requisite acting chops for the role. He turned taciturn loner Ron Swanson into one of the most beloved characters in TV history. Just imagine what he could do with the man whose belly shakes like a bowl full of jelly. Picture him saying one of his classic lines from Parks and Rec:

• “Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.”
• “I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women, and breakfast food.” 
• “Give 100%. 110% is impossible. Only idiots recommend that.”

Awesome, right? Now close your eyes and picture him reciting the same dialogue, only this time he’s wearing a Santa hat. Your honor, the prosecution rests its case. (In this scenario, I am the prosecution.) I’m not saying Hollywood owes us this, but we’ve had to sit through a slew of crummy Christmas films and TV shows over the years. Perhaps it’s time Hollywood finally repays us for our patience.

Hulk Hogan, Larry the Cable Guy, and Alf aka the dinner party guest list from hell?! You know what? I take my previous statement back. I am owed this. We’re all owed this. Hollywood, pause Robocop 8: Robocop Learns to Swim or whatever the hell you’re working on for a minute and do the right thing. Don’t be a grinch. Give us that sweet, sweet Nick Offerman grumpy Santa movie we all so richly deserve. And yes, Megan Mullally will obviously play Mrs. Claus, and Amy Poehler will make a cameo appearance as a scene-stealing elf named Beeswax, Gizmo, or Pam.

Until then, enjoy ten hours of Nick Offerman drinking Lagavulin by a roaring fire.

Where to stream Parks and Recreation