‘Reindeer Games’ is The Sexiest Christmas Movie Of All Time

Ben Affleck’s Christmas action thriller Reindeer Games is not what’d you’d call a Christmas classic. Directed by legendary filmmaker John Frankenheimer, this infamous 2000 movie centers around a recently released ex-con, Rudy (Ben Affleck), who assumes the identity of his dead cellmate, Nick (James Frain), in order to bone his dead pal’s girlfriend (Charlize Theron). In terms of beloved Christmas movie scenes, Reindeer Games doesn’t possess a “That’s what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown” or “No man is a failure who has friends” moment, but it does offer something that most holiday films decidedly lack: sex.

Reindeer Games, which is now streaming on Netflix, is best remembered for two things: an incredibly convoluted, batshit bonkers plot and, of course, nudity. We’ll address the film’s steamy scenes in a moment, but first, let’s delve into the insane labyrinth of wonder and inanity known as the plot to Reindeer Games. This is convoluted so bear with me.

*Chugs a Monster Energy drink, dunks head in a bucket of ice water, and prays to a higher power*

• Ashley (Charlize Theron) has been corresponding with a convict, Nick (Rudy’s cellmate). Ashley and Nick are going to meet when Nick is released, which is imminent. Nick dies in prison. Rudy meets Ashley to tell her the news, but she’s hot, so Rudy’s like, “Yep. I’m Nick.” Ashley and Rudy have sex.
• Actual Nick used to work at a casino. Ashley’s brother, Gabriel (Gary Sinise), kidnaps Rudy and Ashley and tells Rudy that he’s going to help him rob that casino or else. Again, everybody believes Rudy (Affleck) is Nick. Rudy’s like, “Wait, I’m not Nick. I just pretended to be Nick to bang your sister.” Gabriel punches Rudy. Gabriel’s all, “Say you’re Nick or I’m going to kill you.” Rudy’s like, “Yes. I am Nick.”
• Using Nick’s old prison stories about the casino, Rudy devices a plan to rob the casino, but swerve! Ashley and Gabriel aren’t brother and sister. They’re lovers pulling a con! A con within a con.
• Eventually, they rob the casino. A bunch of people die, and at one point Ashton Kutcher drops by to say howdy. None of that matters. Later, Ashley and Gabriel are about to kill Rudy, but instead, Ashley kills Gabriel. Why? Because, swerve, the real Nick is still alive! Ashley is actually his girlfriend, Millie Bobeck, and that whole insane rigmarole was their actual plan! A con within a con within a con.
• Rudy eventually kills Ashley and Nick and places the stolen money in various mailboxes leading to his family’s house. This is supposed to be noble (I guess?), but will absolutely result in his arrest. His face is all over that extremely high-profile casino robbery, and he literally left a trail of money to his family’s home.

In fairness to Reindeer Games, it does do the bare minimum to plug the almost comical amount of plot holes that pop up throughout the movie. During the final twist, the nominal hero of the film Rudy (Rudolph, get it?), who again, assumed his dead bud’s identity to have sex with his girlfriend, asks Nick (St. Nick, get it?) “How’d you know I’d do it?” Nick’s response:

Asked and answered. Asked… and… answered.

Despite its myriad narrative shortcomings, Reindeer Games holds the honor of being the all-time sexiest Christmas movie. In your face, George Bailey. Granted, there’s not exactly an overwhelming amount of competition. There’s an argument to be made for Love Actually, The Best Man Holiday, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, and Bad Santa, sure, but can any of those movies compete with the smoldering sexual chemistry of Affleck and Theron? Or even the topless pool hookup between Theron and Sinise?

I like Reindeer Games. Don’t get me wrong, it’s terrible, but like, fun terrible, ya know? You may find it highly implausible, unnecessarily confusing, and agree with the NY Post’s assertion that the movie is “as appealing as leftover Christmas fruitcake,” but there are two unassailable points you simply can’t deny. First, Ben Affleck delivers a dynamic theatrical performance as “guy who’s never quite sure what’s going on.”

Second, Reindeer Games is the sexiest Christmas movie of all time.

Where to stream Reindeer Games