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“Hey, have you noticed we’re getting fewer screeners this year?”
The concern in my voice was apparent as I laid the question out to a roomful of writers. Their responses were passionate and immediate- “Yes!” “What’s happening??” “I thought it was because I owed them money, I’m so glad to hear you guys aren’t getting any either!”
Every dues paying guild member fears a slow screener season. That first magical winter following your admission into the DGA, WGA, PGA, or SAG your world is turned upside down. Movies! In my mailbox! Free movies in my mailbox! Free movies that are IN THEATERS in my mailbox! Once you’ve ridden that dragon there’s no going back.
ANYWAY. I digress.
This year, in between Part 1 of this earth-shattering series, and the day I posed that question, I didn’t receive a single screener. Not one. I did get a letter from Warner Bros offering a link to watch some unspecified movies online, but I never bothered visiting the site. I’m not an animal (or a millennial) so I’d prefer to watch my screeners the old fashioned way: on a television, distracted by my computer, thank you very much.
The screener gods must’ve heard our lament — over the next two days I received seven screeners in the mail. When it screener rains it screener pours! It’s going to be a merry Christmas after all.
Now let’s get into this week’s batch of awards.
SCREENER OF THE WEEK: 'BlackKKlansman'
I’m not reviewing movies here, so it would be unprofessional for me to begin with HOLY HELL THIS MOVIE IS SO DAMN GOOD WHY ISN’T EVERYONE TALKING ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME?? So I’ll skip over that part and simply say that I admire the studio’s disclaimer restraint almost as much as Spike’s filmmaking. The first “Hey, you’re watching a screener!” doesn’t pop up until you’re 29 minutes in — which is more than enough time to get sucked into the story and start asking yourself questions like “how could this possibly be based on a true story?” and “why do so many girls think Adam Driver is hot, what am I missing here??” You know, the important stuff.
BlackKKlansman joined A Star Is Born, Crazy Rich Asians, and Boy Erased in the “Double The Pleasure, Double The Number Of DVDs That Will Eventually End Up In A Landfill” Hall Of Fame. Seriously- W’s and D’s, get your GA’s on a call!
SCREENER I’M MOST LIKELY TO LEND TO A FRIEND OR NEIGHBOR AS A FORM OF SOCIAL CAPITAL: 'Boy Erased'
See the Hall Of Famers above. NOTE: This is strictly a hypothetical award. Obviously I would NEVER let another human so much as touch one of my precious watermarked DVDs (which, as you recall, I’m legally obligated to physically snap in half with my bare hands within 7 seconds of the credits completing). Considering I sleep with all of them under my pillow at night (uncomfortable!) and walk around with them in an oversized trench coat like that guy from Parker Lewis Can’t Lose (uncomely AND untimely!) during the day, no one has to worry about my good name being sullied by piracy. All that being said… hit me up in the comments if you’re looking to see a boy get erased.
NOVEL OF THE WEEK: 'A Quiet Place'
I know it’s *technically* a screenplay but this is the best book I’ve read in years. And by “read” I mean “flipped through.” And by “flipped through” I mean “turned to this page to take the picture.”
Look at that big bolded
POP.
I’ve written well over a dozen screenplays but never thought to bold, cap, AND increase the point size to emphasize my onomatopoeia. I guess that’s why I’m wearing sweatpants watching screeners on a weekday morning and John Krasinski is probably on some backlot hard at work. Actually… when it’s spelled out like that… it kinda looks like I’m winning.
BOOM!
Ooh, I like that. That’s mine now.
A.A. Smithee is a director for hire. So, you know, hire him/her/them. (But please wait until after he/she/they has finished all of his/her/their screeners. Thank you.)
