The Top 10 Most Horrible Injustices That Kelly Taylor Suffered Through On ‘Beverly Hills 90210’

Kelly’s mom goes on her usual alcohol and coke binge, and embarasses the fuck out of her when hosting the school’s Mother-Daughter fashion show.  Mom can’t remember a thing, or keep it together, and tosses more snide remarks than any Twitter feed post-2016. Kelly literally dies of embarrassment, which is sometimes worse than murder. This embarrassment to die for repeats itself many times in Ms. Taylor’s life, including the near future when stalkerish young David Silver becomes her stepbrother (gross!), and later catches her coming out of the shower naked (288 = too gross)!

Why bother playing ‘Truth or Dare’ at a girls’ sleepover when you can eliminate the ‘dare’ part and spill all your dirty dark secrets in front of your friends? The ringleader of this game is a girl who wasn’t even invited, and seems like she just walked off the set of Heathers, and instigated things by asking Kelly about her first sexual experience. Kelly, at first, claims it was Steve Sanders, but then the 90210-Heather double-dog-dares her to dig deeper and reveal what her actual first bout of sex was. Turns out it was not a night to remember, as she lost her V-card somewhere in the woods to a popular jock named Ross Weber, who didn’t even have the courtesy to bring a blanket. After the event, he never talked to Kelly again, and left her love life open to vulnerability, and her heart prone to be broken over and over until the show concluded in 2000.

Young ladies and Halloween = a recipe for disaster. Dressing like a sexy kitten is only going to lead to trouble. Kelly opted not to go as a kitten but as a straight up slut, which draws the attention of a randy cowboy who tries to lasso her up. “No” means “no,” but this unwoke cowpoke doesn’t take no for an answer. Luckily, Kelly’s BFFs are well aware that she’s provocatively dressed and that some men may try to take her up on her “she’s asking for it” appearance. Donna and Brenda stumble upon the room that Kelly and Tex are in and come to her rescue literally moments before she’s about to be raped. A truly haunted evening that still sends chills to this day. Boooo!

Kelly’s greatest enemy will always be herself. Unsatisfied with her weight and looks, she tries to starve herself and get by on appetite suppressant pills. This is her Jessie Spano ‘I’m So Excited’ episode, but she’s far from excited about anything, and eventually passes out on the Peach Pit bathroom floor at her own surprise birthday party. SURPRISE!!

Steve throws a rave at a house with a fuse box that’s ready to blow, and when it eventually does, everyone escapes the fire, except… of course, Kelly. While her boyfriend Brandon is off reuniting with wild child Emily Valentine, KT’s too busy getting chatty with a lesbian named Alison in a soundproof screening room, which keeps the sound of fire away. Damn you Hollywood cinephiles and your need for perfect sound conditions!! They both survive the horrific ordeal, and while Kelly has physical and emotional scars from the incident, Alison wasn’t as lucky. She’s burned to a crisp. Later on, Alison recovers and wants to make Kelly her Valentine, until both she and her eventually realize that Kelly isn’t into ladies, but moody men with sideburns who would do anything for her, and she probably won’t do anything for them.

Kelly becomes entranced by wheelchaired California University psychology professor Patrick Finley, who leads a new-agey movement called “The New Evolution.” Every word he speaks reeks of cult, but Kelly is too blind that it also deafens her ears. Professor Finley slowly washes her brain on spin cycle, until the point where she basically does his bidding, and eventually convinces her to dump Brandon for Dylan and his money!!! You see, the Prof wants to get his grubby mitts on some of those McKay monies to fund his cult activities. (So much for car washes and bake sales!) Luckily Dylan has eyes AND ears AND sideburns and is able to see thru Finley’s charade and breaks Kelly of the Professor’s spell. Dylan’s reward? She goes right back into Brandon’s arms. Poor Dylan. Poor Kelly. Poor us and our brains.

If you look up “deadbeat dad” in the 90210 dictionary, Kelly’s dad’s photo would be prominently displayed under that definition. Pops has forever been giving her false hope, and always crushing her soul, and in today’s episode, his absenteeism leads Kelly straight to the coke vial (that she was keeping from her coked up current beau Colin, to prevent his own addiction). Sniff, sniff – as in tears for the scorned daughter, and for what’s going up her nose. And like Pringles, once you pop (no father pun intended), you can’t stop. And she doesn’t. She keeps on snorting thru the next four episodes, until reaching a breaking point inside a coke den where creepy dudes are trying to sniff her body up and down, and she escapes by christening a guy’s head like he was a new boat. Icky. In the following season, Kelly’s dad tries his best to make up for lost time with Kelly, even hiring the Cardigans to play their College Graduation party, but he ruins everything by being indicted for embezzlement and is sent to jail (Spoiler Alert!).

No rest for the weary – just as Kelly’s getting her life back together in rehab, she’s unknowingly entering the next unfortunate event being thrown her way. In rehab she’s paired with a roommate named Tara, who somehow has deeper troubles than Kelly’s. Once both are out of rehab, and faster than you can say “Single White Female: the movie!’, Tara moves in with Kelly, and everyone around them can see that Tara is nothing but bad juju, which of course Kelly is blind and deaf to. She really should get her ears and eyes checked. There must be a lot of top notch ENT docs in Beverly Hills, no?

Then things get REALLY out of hand. Tara starts meddling with Kelly’s lovelife (pushing away a hunky doc), Tara starts meddling with Kelly’s enemies (she carves “Die Val” onto Kelly Kapowski’s ride), Tara eventually dyes her hair blonde and cut to match Kelly’s short do. C-R-E-E-P-Y!!! Tara kills Kelly’s fish. And, for her final act, she wants to do a murder-suicide, so they can die together. Kelly can now suddenly hear and see, and is able to thwart this from happening. Tara gets off easy – she returns to the psych ward, while Kelly still has to remain on the show, awaiting the next lump of coal to be handed down to her.

There’s no nicer way to end a trip to Hawaii than getting shot in the LAX parking lot. WELCOME HOME, KELLY! Did you get lei’d, or just laid out? Yikes! Yep, upon arriving back in Cali, two car thieves drive-by shoot Kelly in a parking lot, leaving her life status up in the air. But is Kelly leaving us? Of course not, we need her around for even more torturous activities. And on the road to recovery over the next several episodes, she has partial-amnesia, not knowing who her lover Brandon is, and somehow not sensing how newbie Noah is like a BS, 9th rate version of Dylan. Brandon eventually wins back her heart and mind, and later in the season ruins everything by having a brief affair with a sexy journalist. Don’t worry, they make up and get all the way to the altar… before wasting everyone’s time and money by realizing they AREN’T meant for each other (which basically is a set-up for Jason Priestley to exit the show the following season, and make all future appearances on the show via VHS tape).

What’s worse than almost being raped, almost being burned to death, or almost being murdered? If you’ve delved 9 seasons deep in 90210, bad things come to those who wait to find out, and you will never feel more sorry for Kelly Taylor than at the very end of the “Dog’s Best Friend” episode. On her way to help Dylan out of a late night jam, Kelly finds herself on a too quiet, too dark street where she is accosted at knifepoint and then raped in an alleyway. Has it really come to this? Could we not give poor Kelly a break in the penultimate season? Did Aaron Spelling hate Jennie Garth so much because she was so flirty on Growing Pains or something? What did she do to deserve this???

It gets worse in the following episodes: Kelly’s current heartthrob is a lawyer named Matt, who has a heart of gold, and a pocket filled with pennies. Matt’s latest client is… the guy who raped Kelly. Through a really dumb coincidence, Matt sends the rapist to Donna’s clothing boutique to find a gift, where he’ll come face to face with his victim. This time, Kelly doesn’t need any man to rescue her, and uses a gun Dylan supplied her with to mow down the rapist in the store. YOU GO GIRL!!!

And when you’re done plugging him, go after the writers and get them to write you a happy ending for yourself. And they basically did. Even though the show ends with Donna & David’s nuptials, we get closure for Kelly’s turbulent love life when she finally opens her heart to Dylan, for good. For better or worse, until death does her parts, Kelly Taylor’s ups and downs will remain in our hearts and minds forever. Be safe Kelly! We are with you!! XOXO