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The food we eat, or are about to eat, says so much about us as people, before it’s even within proximity of our mouths. It says how tolerant we are of heat and spice and how much we need to be comforted and exactly how sweet or salty we may lean. But it also tells us if we’re going to have a rough season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills ahead of us. And by us, I mean the women this specifically applies to.
Last night kicked off the new season of RHOBH on Bravo, and while the tone was very much set for the season, so were the snack tables. We have a pretty good idea of who will be stirring the pot, and who will watch their friendships crumble faster than a Nature Valley Oats ‘n Honey granola bar, and who will be sipping (and spilling) the tea. It’s not a screaming match at Vanderpump Dogs that serves as the best indicator of the drama ahead. Oh no, it’s the effort put into the hostess snacks each Housewife put forward.
A key staple to all Housewives shows, especially this early in the season, is the catch up session. This is when one or two ladies saunters over to another’s house to check in, see where they’re at, find out what’s new, and drop a few tiny breadcrumbs of gossip before skipping along on their way. We were blessed with many of these in the first episode of the new RHOBH season, and boy do those snack spreads say it all.
Now, first let’s give credit to Kyle for cooking what appeared to be a breakfast of scrambled eggs for her family, and even though she warned hot husband Mauricio, “Don’t get too excited, nothing extravagant,” I would still help myself to a plate of whatever came out of that frying pan. Great job, Kyle, but we all know the best is yet to come for you.
The same goes for Teddi, though she had no hostess opportunities in this episode because she is too busy getting settled into her new home (just a handful of lots away from her previous home), but her efforts to get her son Cruz to eat not just grapes but also bites of oatmeal were valiant. And if it was the kind of oatmeal I eat regularly (with blueberries added in) I definitely would’ve stolen that spoonful from him.
An honorable mention goes out to Ken, who carried a tray of tea and biscuits to Lisa Vanderpump at their home, and even though the sweet gesture made me both nervous and hungry, we’re going to skip to the more important eating in this episode. We eased into the feasting, with our first glimpse at a hostess snack on behalf of Kyle. As she shows Teddi around the house, she’s carrying a plate of apple slices, which feels so Kyle, and so very Teddi. Like she said before: nothing extravagant, but a respectable showing. Again, the best is yet to come.
Because that brings us to Erika, who is welcoming Dorit over to her home so that she doesn’t have to drive across town. She instead chooses to put her effort into the bottle of champagne she sticks in a bucket — not only a wise move, but one that will have you rethinking both your beverages and the social opportunities worth leaving your home for.
But oh my my, it is the spread that one of Erika’s housekeepers surely ordered that is absolutely drool-inducing. Why it’s not placed on a tiered cake stand while it’s being served, we will never know, but it is truly a selection that once the Queen gets her eyes on it, the walls of Buckingham Palace will be shaking with her loud demands for the same. “This looks like the most decadent food you could’ve possibly putten (?) out,” Dorit tells Erika, so tongue-tied by the display she’s making up words. “Whatever you want, sweetheart. Have a bite,” Erika encourages. And though no bites are actually shown in this portion, there are closeups of the forks being putten down on the plates to indicate, something was eaten. Seriously, how could it not be? There were cakes, cookies, and sandwiches that look better than the word “gourmet” could ever describe. Like, sandwiches with cucumbers on them and lemon cakes with beautiful, creamy frosting on top. Fancy shit!
So what does this tell us about what’s to come for Erika and Dorit? Well, like these glorious, abundant foods, everything (the drama) will be laid out, right there in front of them. Whether they bite or not, we shall find out.
Though the same cannot be said for Lisa Rinna. This Housewife hostess puts out a tray of grapes (and big, beautiful green ones at that!), cheeses and crackers for her friends, only to discover there was a fly trapped underneath the plastic wrap covering the treats the whole time. Typical! But Rinna does what Rinna will continue to do: laugh it off. Joke that no one will eat it anyway. Not give a single fuck. Plus, her housekeeper Lorena was whipping up some delicious looking guacamole anyway. Rinna proudly tells Denise Richards about the jalapeño cucumber margarita she made too, so it’s not for a lack of effort on her part at all.
Erika and Dorit make it clear they came to gab, but a very positive sign for newbie Denise is that she digs right in. She’s eating, she’s drinking tequila, and she’s sure as hell going to dig right into the drama this season too. It’s a great look for her, that she’s so confident being who she is and blending in with these women, and enjoying a fantastic snack at the same time.
So, remember how the best was yet to come? “This is insane,” Kyle says, delivering the understatement of the year as she looks in amazement at the full table spread of maybe every food ever. Meats, fruits, cheeses, dips, vegetables, dried fruits: it’s all there. “I’ve been eating it all,” Mauricio confirms. Which is great because it fuels him up for cooking hamburgers and hot dogs on the grill for the guests. Oh, and not any old hamburgers and hot dogs. These are special. These are the kind that Lisa Rinna and Erika devour, filling their “once, twice a year” hot dog craving. And while this offering was generous and gorgeous, this does indicate to us that Kyle is going to have a lot on her very, very full table this season. Luckily, we’re the ones that will be eating it up, every delicious and dramatic step of the way.
