Netflix’s ‘The Witcher’ Series MUST Include Unicorn Sex

During a time filled with Game of Thrones-inspired oneupmanship, there’s a million reasons why Netflix’s announced The Witcher series makes sense. The show has a built-in fanbase thanks to the beloved Witcher 3 video game. It’s set in a fantasy world filled with crazy creatures and even crazier political strife. The main character Geralt is even hot enough that casting Henry Cavill actually feels justified. Based on source material alone, the upcoming drama feels like a slam dunk for the streaming giant. But I don’t care about any of that. What do I really want?

Give me the unicorn sex, Netflix. Do it, you cowards.

My need — for it is a need now — for horned horse tomfoolery first came thanks to a tweet. In late January, former Daredevil writer and current The Witcher showrunner Lauren S. Hissrich tweeted out that a recent cut of the series definitely wasn’t for her five-year-old son.

That certainly makes sense. CD Projekt’s The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt won awards like Game of the Year thanks to its seamless blending of an open world adventure game, first-person RPG mechanics, and complex character development. But what the game is really known for is its gross and killer fight scenes paired with its bloody fantasy battles. And sex. The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt may be the horniest mainstream game ever released.

Over the course of the 200+ hour game, players can experience up to eight different sex scenes. There are threesomes, sexy times triggered by card games, brothels, and fight scenes that inexplicably turn into steamy hookups. And naturally, there is also screwing on top of a taxidermied unicorn. That’s just the kind of gentleman Geralt is.

In a cut scene (can you imagine playing through this?) Geralt hooks up with the sorceress Yennefer, the love of our hero’s life unless there’s literally any other woman standing nearby. After whispering about their next mission, they proceed to sex it up on top of this dead, stuffed animal, something that the game has made clear they’ve done at least once before. There’s talk of pulling on manes and Geralt makes a sound that’s somewhere between a moan and a horse whiny. The game is so confident you want to see this bonkers hookup the scene lasts for two solid minutes. That’s a serious flex.

However, the unicorn sex scene isn’t merely a silly thing that happens in a game with endless possibilities. It’s baked into the game’s DNA. This absurd sex scene was teased in an early trailer for the game. That means the Witcher 3 creators didn’t want to hide their insane foray into sexiness. They were absurdly proud of it. It was an actual selling point!

And that’s exactly what Netflix needs to bring to its adaptation. No one first tuned into Game of Thrones for the political betrayal, though that element later sold the series. Viewers were all about the blood, incest, and the hope of dragons. When The Walking Dead premiered, everyone cared about zombies, not slow burn examinations of people breaking down during the apocalypse. People flock toward over-the-top and weird. Though Netflix’s The Witcher series seems to be more of an adaption of Polish author Andrzej Sapkowski’s original books more than the award-winning video game, there’s still a ton of that lucrative insanity to go around. Skimping out on the most iconic example of that would a major misstep.

At some point the streaming curtain will drop and we will finally see Cavill and his bad silver wig in all their glory. One day, Twitter will be flooded with discussions about Ciri and what exactly a witcher is (it’s a monster hunter). And hopefully if there is any god out there we will also be drowning in GIFs of Cavill and Anya Chalotra fucking on top of a unicorn.