Why Doesn’t Anyone Care the Season Finale of ‘Suits’ Airs Tonight?

Later tonight, the season finale of Suits airs on the USA Network. I’ve purchased a $17 bottle of red wine and removed my finest Digiorno pizza from the freezer in anticipation of this monumental television event. The glitz and glamour of The Oscars pale in comparison to the high-stakes drama of New York City’s hottest legal professionals frantically exchanging insults, pathologically breaking the law, and recklessly endangering the lives of everyone they know on a daily basis.

Suits is a cacophonous jambalaya of beautiful, absurd nonsense, and I sincerely love every single ridiculous minute of it.

If I had my druthers, Suits would air for 100 seasons and Harvey, Donna, Louis, Alex, Katherine Heigl’s character, Bunk from The Wire, and the two younger lawyers who fell in love Counting Crows-style would continue arguing about names on walls, controlling the firm, and who did or did not CROSS A LINE until I’m dead and buried in, you guessed it, a suit. But guess what, fam? I stand before you drutherless. Just as the sand from the hourglass of life will eventually exhaust us all, Suits, a series Slant Magazine once referred to as not even “remotely realistic,” is ending.

Early this year, USA announced that Suits will bang its final gavel after a ten-episode ninth season, which is set to air in the summer of 2019. Noted rhyme man Dr. Seuss once said “Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because it happened,” but Doc Nonsense never had to deal with the unrelenting panoply of pain that accompanies the harsh, unforgiving reality that USA (both network and country) will soon halt production on Suits. Have I playfully razzed this extremely important series from time to time? Sure. But you know who else playfully pokes fun at one another? Brothers… and also successful NBA basketball teams.

I can’t stop Suits from ending, but I can sure as hell spread the word about tonight’s season finale.

For reasons that remain foggy, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Taylor Swift, Michael Cohen, and former Sacramento Kings big man Vlade Divac didn’t seem too interested in the season finale of Suits. Maybe they’re still catching up on Prime Video? I honestly don’t know.

Undaunted, I persevered.

Even the CBS series God Friended Me, who I’m sure you all remember from my very clever and not at all stupid article titled “Here’s How I Convinced ‘God Friended Me’ To Follow Me On Twitter,” wasn’t interested in tonight’s landmark television event.

I know what you’re thinking: government conspiracy. That was my gut instinct too, but there’s no way they got to Guttenberg. That guy’s a rock. Famed poet and Paul Revere superfan Henry W. Longfellow once wrote “One if by Land, and two if by sea,” which loosely translates to “If people are ignoring you on Twitter, try text messaging your friends!”

The results were… underwhelming.

Am I the crazy one here?! People, there are only 11 episodes of the hit USA legal thriller Suits left. EVER! What if I told you there were only 11 trees remaining in the world? This is the exact same thing except way more important.

Even Suits itself couldn’t be bothered to respond to my helpful reminder:

Please join me in five to fifty uninterrupted minutes of silence and deep reflection honoring the forthcoming season finale of Suits.

The Season 8 finale of Suits airs tonight at 10:00 p.m. ET on USA.

Where to stream Suits