‘Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom’ on HBO: This Sequel Is Basically ‘Home Alone’ with Dinosaurs

Sequels may not always succeed at being better, but they at least usually succeed in being bigger. Aliens added way more xenomorphs, Kevin went from being home alone to getting lost in New York, and Speed traded a bus for a runaway cruise ship. When you go to a sequel, you except at least double the stakes, double the monsters, or double the cast; if the quality is doubled, then that’s a rare bonus.

That’s the expectation you have going into Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom. After all, the original Jurassic Park sequel, 1997’s The Lost World, introduced way more dinosaurs and ended with a wild T. rex rampage through San Diego! Was it better than Jurassic Park? No! Was it bigger? Yeah! Fast-forward to 2015’s Jurassic World and you have the biggest movie in the franchise, not only in terms of box office ($1.67 billion worldwide) but scope. The park is up and running so more dinosaurs then ever terrorize more people than ever. How in the [Jurassic] world could 2018’s Fallen Kingdom outdo all that?! The answer: it doesn’t even try!

You can read some shade into this post because it’s definitely there, but I’m not just here to drag the fourth biggest movie of last year. I’m here to temper the expectations of all the HBO viewers that are gonna check the movie out for the first time this weekend. Also you were wise to wait it out, because this movie probably plays waaaaaay better on HBO in your living room than having dropped $20 at a movie theater!

Here’s what the trailer doesn’t show you: Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom should actually be titled Jurassic Mansion: Secret Basement. Instead of blowing out the premise and unleashing all these dinos on the world, turning the title of the film into a literal premise, Fallen Kingdom… retreats inward? After a quick jaunt to the ruined theme park, the rest of the movie takes place IN. A. MANSION. Dinosaurs in the basement, dinosaurs in a bedroom, dinosaurs on a roof, just dinos all around the house and pretty much only the house. Seriously, Jurassic Mansion: Secret Basement.

They don’t even break loose and demolish multiple houses. They just stay in the one house! The movie is basically Home Alone, but the Wet Bandits are Franken-dinos. That’s not the movie the trailers sell you. Fully two-thirds of the trailer above is set on the island–the island they skedaddle from near the beginning of the movie! I cannot stress this enough: the majority of this Jurassic World movie takes place in one mansion. And don’t think this was done because Universal slashed the production budget for the follow-up to the record-breaking blockbuster. Fallen Kingdom cost around $170 million to make–more than Jurassic World! Where’d that money go? Fancy Antiques Roadshow decor??

None of this is to say that Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is a bad movie, or one without its fair share of fun moments. I’m just saying that you gotta adjust your expectations, because Fallen Kingdom is certainly not bigger than its predecessor. It’s essentially a haunted house movie with dinosaurs–which sounds kinda like the perfect late Saturday night TV movie if not a big theatrical blockbuster.

Stream Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom on HBO