‘Chilling Adventures Of Sabrina’ Chapter 13 Recap: Much Ado About A Gum Thing

We hear a lot about dancing with the devil, sure, but how do we all feel about making bets with him? Thanks to Evil Wardwell, we’re about to find out. In Chapter 13 of The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, Wardwell makes a wager with Actual Goat Satan over the state of Sabrina’s soul. If Sabrina is good and Wardwell wins, Wardwell will be made queen of hell. If Actual Goat Satan wins, basically Wardwell has to shut the eff up. Seems…fair.

Sabrina’s task, she learns from a personal bedside visit from Actual Goat Satan Himself, is to steal a pack of gum. Oh…kay. In the morning, the Spellmans all try and fail to act casual about the fact that he made a house call to task Sabrina. Hilda says she should probably do whatever, even if it’s murder, to which Zelda shoots back that she should especially do it if it’s murder.

It’s kind of a moot point though, because when Sabrina heads to Dr. Cerberus’ to snag her bounty — since there’s apparently only one place in Greendale to buy anything, where on Earth do these people buy their kale? — she can’t quite bring herself to do it after Wardwell calls her out.

That’s not the only duhhhhhrama going down with our gal Sabrina. She’s in a passion play at Evil Hogwarts, the story of Lucifer’s banishment. Father Blackwood wrote the script and is fully uninterested in anyone’s dramaturgy, Aunt Zelda is elocution coach, Nick is playing Lucifer and Sabrina is the understudy for Lilith, played hilariously terribly by Dorcas. At rehearsal, Actual Satan whispers in Sabrina’s ear that she should probably just drop an actual sandbag on Dorcas and take center stage herself. She pictures herself doing so, then passes out screaming that she woooon’t. Like I said: dramaaaaa.

When she comes to, Hilda suggests that if she’s going to resist Satan, it may be easier to do so at Baxter with her good pals Roz and Theo. “Who’s Theo?” “Susie is Theo now, do catch up!” Amen, Hilda. So back to Baxter Sabrina goes, where she’s paired up with basketball dirtbag Billy Marlin, who’s been tormenting Theo in the locker room, for a scene from Romeo and Juliet. Roz and Harvey are also paired up, and, phew, what tension. Roz keeps picturing herself making out with Harvey and full-on panting. The combination of visions and hormones: rough. Theo asks Sabrina for “some kind of witchy way” to take care of Billy, and Sabrina gives her a string that will make him trip when she ties it in a knot. Sure that won’t come back to haunt her, right? Never mind, because Theo’s spotted an enormous red handprint on Sabrina. Not…great?

She runs to Wardwell, because she’s obviously lacking in other female role models in her life, definitely isn’t being raised by two grown witches, better go to the teacher who lied to her for the better part of the school year. Sure. Wardwell makes a big stink about saying that stealing a pack of gum would be a big deal, Sabrina, and that she won’t be able to “deceive the great deceiver,” no sir. The great deceiver, by the way, is literally whispering at Sabrina to dooooo itttttt, it would be so easyyyyyy, when Sabrina’s starting to get steamed up spotting Roz and Harvey at Dr. Cerberus’. She declines.

At home, Ambrose suggests that she eat a raw onion to ward off the devil. He hates crying, see. Ambrose admits that he did Satan’s bidding once, by writing a letter to a man, but he won’t tell Sabrina what was in the letter. Nbd, she munches the onion. In the morning, she wakes with stank breath and an even darker claw mark on her back. Oops. An awful realization spreads over her: she has an outstanding spell, a loose end in the form of the string she gave Theo. Of course, as she’s going to get it back, Billy pulls a really dick move on Theo and Theo ties a knot, making Billy trip down the stairs and break his leg in a way that requires an actual mop to clean up the blood. Oh, snap.

Roz has some very convenient chicken pox, and since Billy is a man in pieces, that means Sabrina and Harvey are scene partners now. Running lines quickly turns into them making out and ripping off each other’s clothes, and it looks like we’re on an express train to Bangtown, until Sabrina sees the Devil’s Claw vivid on Harvey’s chest too and freaks out. He tells her that if she leaves, that’s it. So…that’s it, then.

Our dude Actual Goat Satan is waiting for weepy Sabrina at home, and he tells her that it’s going to take more than gum if she’s going to go full evil now. (What, Altoids?) She has to burn down Baxter High. Sidenote that I’d love to be in the VO sessions for Actual Satan’s lines, because it’s just some guy whispering into a microphone menacingly. Imagine his coffee breaks. Fantastic. Sabrina shakily goes to the empty school and pours gasoline over the crest, and Goat Satan stops her before she drops the match. She’s proven her heart…for now.

Zelda has also proven that she’s the HWIC this episode, getting back at gossipy teachers by enchanting one of them to nearly jump off a high balcony to her doom. When Zelda watched Michelle Obama, she heard, “when they go low, we go [to a] high [balcony].” Next time, she says, she won’t stop her jumping.

It’s the night of the passion play, and Dorcas also has the chicken pox, courtesy of Satan, so Sabrina has the part and gets to make out with Nick. The whole gang goes to Dorian Gray’s, where Prudence tells Ambrose, “you were very believable as the false god!” The usual. Dorian brings Nick and Sabrina drinks, complements of Satan, who thinks they should kiiiiiiiss.

Sabrina smugly swipes a pack of gum, confirming that she is indeed Oh Yes A Very Bad Girl, and Wardwell wipes Satan’s claws, his furry lil goaty knee distractingly in the foreground of the shot. He brings her crow familiar, Solas, back to life so she’ll finally have someone to talk to who loves her just the way she is, then leaves. Typical.

Kase Wickman is a writer, editor, Ravenclaw and certified fraidy-cat who lives in Brooklyn. If she had powers, she’d never have to wash off mascara again. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram, if you dare.

Stream CAOS: Chapter 13 ("The Passion of Sabrina Spellman") on Netflix