‘Chilling Adventures Of Sabrina’ Chapter 14 Recap: Horny Like The Wolf

Welcome to another action-packed hour of CAOS, and by action I mean that I’m shocked it only took three episodes for the showrunners to bring us a full-on teen orgy this season. Such restraint! Also, 100 percent of the sex in this episode is meant to be had while the men wear wolf costumes, so if you haven’t seen “True Life: I’m a Furry” yet (classic ep), we’ll wait while you do.

It’s Valentine’s Day in Greendale, which means that Evil Hogwarts is gearing up for Lupercalia, the horniest holiday of the year. In a tribute to all the leads on this show being young hot things, it’s a three-night event: first they’ll pair up, the next evening they’ll get naked and hang out in the woods, and the orgy comes night three. Obviously. To explain more, Zelda gives Sabrina a book that’s less “Our Bodies, Ourselves” and more a full-on pop-up book of orgies.

Sabrina’s reading it when Nick astral projects into her room to talk about, you know, whether they’re gonna do it in the woods. Sabrina, who’s resigned herself to not getting it with Harvey, says she’s on board with “the spirit of Lupercalia, as long as I get to experience it one on one with someone special.” When Nick asks if he might be that someone special she’s like mmmmaaaaaybeeeeeeee. He leaves and Sabrina pulls off the locket Harvey gave her way back in the wilds of season one.

At Evil Hogwarts, it’s time for the couples to be decided with a hilariously sexy slo-mo Maypole-musical chairs hybrid. Dorcas is determined to have her redheaded way with Nick, saying that all the other Fenty Triplets have had their go and this year it’s her turn. When the music stops, the ladies have to sit on the lap of the nearest gent — their partner. Sabrina slinks toward Nick, but when the music stops, Dorcas shoves her out of the way. Except, psych, it’s dorky Melvin, who was paid off to wear a glamour of Nick’s face. Sabrina, on Nick’s lap, smiles the smug smile of someone who’s totally gonna get laid in the woods.

Elsewhere in Greendale, Baxter is preparing for a Sweetheart’s Dance. Wardwell expresses her excitement by savagely tearing down posters and telling her crow that she’s going to poison the students’ punch. It’s fine to think Valentine’s Day is a made-up holiday, but lady. Joke’s on her though, because pre-evil Wardwell (remember her? She was a bummer) had a fiance named Adam, and he’s back now from his Doctors Without Borders spin-off and ready to rub her lil feet. Evil Wardwell is in turns stunned, angry, and extremely into these foot rubs. She decides to keep him alive…for now.

Hilda would like to make Dr. Cerberus her Valentine, but he won’t even open her card, saying that it’s inappropriate and would still be inappropriate even if she quit. After a pep talk from Zelda (in which she has still gotta be her and can’t resist referring to him as a “glorified carnie”), Hilda gets gussied up in a leopard print dress and hunts Cerberus down. As it turns out, he’s really into her, but he accidentally got himself possessed by a succubus demon and he gets rowdy when he’s turned on. She confesses to being a witch and everything’s great!

Zelda’s looking for some manswers herself after Blackwood proposes. She says she’ll consider it, and reminds Hilda that she’s marrying for power, not for love.

Roz, too, has game on her mind, and goes to Sabrina for her blessing to get it with Harvey. Sabrina gives the green light and mentions that she’s hanging out with someone too, just taking it slow, planning to participate in an orgy in the woods, that kind of thing. You know: casual.

Theo comes out to his dad as a boy in a sweet scene in an otherwise bananapants episode, asking him to take him to get a new haircut and a suit. His dad agrees, and Theo heaves the sweetest sigh of relief.

Back to the orgy! Night two of the Lupercalia, the couples are to anoint one another with milk and blood, take off their clothes and “lie under this lubricating moon.” Sabrina is in a full garters-and-cami get-up and smears boxer-briefed Nick. It’s all fun and games and weird outdoor porn until they hear a wolf howl nearby and decide to get the hell out of dodge. Back at Chez Spellman, Nick suggests that they blow off the Bacchanal and celebrate mortal Valentine’s Day at the Sweetheart’s Dance at the school that Sabrina definitely doesn’t attend anymore. Seems like a cool way for some evil to happen and for everyone to get murdered, honestly.

The dance has 100 percent more cake than any of my high school activities ever did, and at least 40 percent more Satan. Wardwell is stopped spiking the punch with poison by her fiance, and Roz and Harvey sway in some extremely authentic high school slow dancing before going somewhere a little more private to make out, where Roz confesses her power. Sabrina and Nick, neither of whom, I feel compelled to point out once again, attend this school, dance to Maneater. Billy, on crutches, has turned over a new leaf in light of not fully dying on the stairs when he fell and compliments Theo on his haircut, which he deems “badass.” Theo doesn’t look like he feels even a little bit bad.

Nick and Sabrina have slunk off to make out somewhere a little more private when they hear the growl of a wolf outside the window. Turns out, it’s Hamalia, Nick’s familiar who he banished years before because she was too jealous when he started dating. He thinks she must feel the connection he has with Sabrina and be out for blood. “You have to put that bitch down,” says Evil Wardwell, clearly loving every second.

The next night, they go to the woods, where Nick has decided it’s time for Hamalia to die. He comes back and presents her with a bloody wolf’s heart. Happy Valentine’s Day! He declares that they should still bang it out in the woods, but apart from everyone else. Ah, romance.  

In Harvey’s room, Roz and Harvey talk it out, discussing whether she’s a witch or not (not) and whether he sent some of his drawings to an artists’ colony (he did). But hold that thought: Roz has suddenly gone blind.

The time has come for WoodBang 2019, and Ambrose hypes up the crowd. The girls are dressed in hooded robes and the boys are shirtless with wolfskins over their heads. The idea is that the girls will catch the boys, tackle them to the ground, then bang it out. The usual high school stuff. Dorcas breaks the rules and tackles Nick, while Sabrina has already gone off to wait for their semi-private bang sesh. Which is unlucky for her in more than one way, because Hamalia is most definitely not dead and most definitely is cartoonishly snapping at Sabrina’s face, ready to go in for the kill. Nick arrives and starts wrestling Hamalia, who decides that she might as well kill him while she’s at it. Sabrina takes the dagger (!!) that she is for some reason carrying (??) out of a thigh sheaf (?!) and stabs the hell out of Hamalia, killing her. Nick, sobbing, confesses that he only tied Hamalia up and killed a different wolf, not able to bring himself to kill his familiar, the only family he had left. He says he was weak and Sabrina calls it a virtue. They make out, dead wolf and all. It’s true: moonlight really does make everything more romantic, even wolf corpses and tragedy.

Kase Wickman is a writer, editor, Ravenclaw and certified fraidy-cat who lives in Brooklyn. If she had powers, she’d never have to wash off mascara again. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram, if you dare.

Stream CAOS: Chapter 14 ("Lupercalia") on Netflix