Stream It Or Skip It: ‘The Wandering Earth’ on Netflix, a Chinese Sci-Fi Disaster Flick in the Roland Emmerich Vein

Netflix recently dropped The Wandering Earth into its ever-expanding content repository with no warning — a major surprise, considering it’s a big-budget international blockbuster smash. The Chinese sci-fi movie debuted theatrically in February, 2019 and hoovered up nearly $700 million, becoming one of the biggest-earning international releases ever. Netflix even hyped its distribution deal a few months ago. And yet, plop, here it is, with nary a press release, tweet or text to let us know. Way to be passive-aggressive, Netflix. Sheesh.

THE WANDERING EARTH: STREAM IT OR SKIP IT?

The Gist: Earth. The near future. The sun is expanding, and within 100 years it’ll consume the planet. Then, in 300 years, it’ll eat the whole solar system. Damn sun just doesn’t know when to stop, does it? The newly formed United Earth Government apparently fires up a joint and throws on Dark Side of the Moon as inspiration for an insane plan to rocket the entire planet 4.2 million light years through space — a 2,500-year trip — to an inhabitable solar system. Sounds easy enough: It’ll only require the construction of underground cities to house three billion people (chosen by lottery; that horrible story goes untold), as well as the implementation of dozens of gigantic jet engines, which dot the planet’s surface like a fiery acne outbreak.

A key figure in this cockamamie scheme that’s so crazy it just might work is the astronaut Liu Peiqiang (Jing Wu), a commander on a space station leading the interstellar journey. Commitment to the mission means leaving his family behind for a couple decades; cue the string section, minor key. Seventeen years after the mission begins defying all known laws of physics, Peiqiang’s son Liu Qi (Chuxiau Qu) is 20ish and bitter. He takes teenage sister Duoduo (Jin Mai Jaho) to the 80-below-zero (Celsius!) planet surface for a joyride in their grandfather’s (Man-Tat Ng) massive industrial transport vehicle. As lousy luck would have it, their little adventure dovetails with a planet-rupturing catastrophe — Earth is approaching Jupiter, and an unexpected gravity spike from the bigger planet means the imminent destruction of the smaller one.

Did I mention this happens on Peiqiang’s last day before retirement? He soaked in some Applause of Ominous Portent that morning, although his co-workers apparently forgot to order him a Sheet Cake of Prophetic Misfortune. Soon enough, Peigiang and his earthbound family pursue parallel rescue-mission narratives involving miscellaneous dangerous, hair-raising, extremely difficult tasks. Peigiang battles wits with a creepy computer — let’s call it PAL 9,001 — while Qi, Duoduo and Grandpa join a ragtag group of soldiers and scientists as they scurry about trying to save the planet, which involves climbing things, hanging off things, hauling big heavy things, crashing things, exploding things and screaming a lot. It’s a dirty job, but someone’s gotta do it.

What Movies Will It Remind You Of?: Imagine Deep Impact meets The Day After Tomorrow meets 2012 meets 2001: A Space Odyssey meets Gravity meets Melancholia (less of a stretch than you might think!) meets Geostorm. And I don’t make Geostorm comparisons all willy-nilly. When I make a Geostorm comparison, I really mean it.

Performance Worth Watching: All acting in this movie is secondary to the work of editor Ka-Fai Cheung, which will serve as inspiration for the next time you want to drink 18 espressos and use a pair of cuticle scissors to cut your lawn one blade of grass at a time.

Memorable Dialogue: “Come on! Let’s ignite Jupiter!” is the kind of line only eight credited screenwriters could come up with.

Single Best Shot: The Eye of Jupiter stares down our heroes, ready to eat them alive. I know, eyes don’t consume food — mouths do that. But let’s leave the non-nonsensical metaphors for other movies, OK?

Sex and Skin: None. TBIJTF: Too Busy Igniting Jupiter To F—.

Our Take: The Wandering Earth sounds like fun on paper — ludicrous premise, non-stop action, huge shovelfuls of crap dialogue. In execution, it bulldozes us with overcomplicated set pieces until it becomes an endurance test. Action sequences tend to be jumbled and confusing; characters in spacesuits all look alike; the blur of shouted dialogue, relentless disembodied voices (voiceover, public-address narration, radio communication) and ratatat subtitles is dizzying. I was thankful when a character would bellow a line like “THE TRANSPORTER IS CRASHING DOWN!” over the din to help me determine that, yes, indeed, I was watching a transporter crashing down.

Director Frant Gwo is certainly ambitious, jamming as much audio-visual-conceptual noise as he can into every frame until our brains deliquesce from the heat of the onslaught. He also borrows liberally from every CGI-era American sci-fi/disaster blockbuster that made $100 million or more — and also Geostorm.

Here’s a Wandering Earth survival tip: Don’t fall down the logic hole. Every time a character performs some physically impossible feat, remind yourself that said character is on a planet rocketing itself through space, an activity that somehow doesn’t result in utter destruction of the Earth, its atmosphere and every living thing on it or in it.

Another tip: drink heavily.

Our Call: SKIP IT. Only the most hardcore gluttons for Roland Emmerich- and Dean Devlin-style mayhem will enjoy this thing, which pegs the Nonsense-O-Meter into the red until it pops.

John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Read more of his work at johnserbaatlarge.com or follow him on Twitter: @johnserba.

Stream The Wandering Earth on Netflix