The ‘Game of Thrones’ Finale Recapped by Someone Who’s Never Watched ‘Game of Thrones’

Back in April, I pitched recapping the final season of Game of Thrones to my editor, the esteemed Alex Zalben. He declined, citing the fact that I’ve “never seen Game of Thrones.” Okay. Lewis Carroll didn’t actually travel to Wonderland before penning “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland,” but whatever you say, boss. I thought the recaps would be fun since, despite working at a pop culture website, I know next to nothing about Game of Thrones. Sure, I picked up bits and pieces from seeing headlines and hearing snippets of conversations over the past eight years, but for the most part I’ve completely tuned out the cultural conversation surrounding this zeitgeist-piercing show. It helps that most if not all of the character names sound like, at best, first draft Dr. Seuss characters and, at worst, someone threw a bunch of letter magnets onto a refrigerator and came up with a person, place, or thing called “Daenerys Targaryen.”

At the time of my GOT pitch, I was embroiled in a blood feud with the Funko corporation over the hit Amazon series Bosch, so I was prepared to move on. But then I noticed that one of my favorite comedians, Andy Daly, was recapping the show for Vulture. Not only that, it got him a shout-out in the New York Times! I mentioned to Alex that Daly was now on the Thrones beat, to which he responded, “Daly’s recaps work because he’s a known writer,” which was both accurate and hurtful. The perfect burn. Seeing that I was passionate about this idea and tired of hearing me say things like “Why buy a Ferrari if you’re gonna keep that bad boy under 30 miles per hour?” Alex relented and said I could recap the finale, to which I responded, “Ugh. Do I have to?”

Long story short, my co-workers hate me. Let’s travel to Waterloo or wherever the hell this crazy show takes place and recap the final episode of Game of Thrones.

I’ve never actually seen the intro to Game of Thrones before, and I gotta say, I’m digging the “you’re the first guest to arrive at a murder mystery party you were barely even invited to” vibe of the theme song. My first question is why does the opening sequence look like it takes place inside of an intricate clock? Perhaps because time’s running out? If so, A+ allegory. I can see why people have spent literally months of the short time they have on Earth obsessing over this show.

The series finale starts with two minutes of silence (because… art, I guess?) as Jon Snow (a person I know!), Peter Dinklage (I don’t know his character’s name), and a guy who looks like Obi-Wan Kenobi are wandering around a battle site. I’m a master of body language so I can tell that Shit. Went. Down. Dinklage leaves and Snow and Obi-Wan stumble upon Grey Worm, who’s planning on executing a bunch of dudes, which in any era is just plain rude.

My first impression of this Grey Worm fellow? Not a fan. Second impression? Weird name, bud. Anyway, Jon Snow’s like, “Maybe don’t murder all these people in cold blood?” but Grey Worm’s a real stickler when it comes to rules and he’s like, “Gotta do it. The queen said so.” A couple of questions:

• Is Grey Worm the Dwight Schrute of the show?
• Does he also enjoy beets?
• Why isn’t his character’s name Canteen instead of Grey Worm? Sounds much cooler.
• Who’s this “queen” person?
• Is Cersei dead?
• Who is Cersei?

Grey Worm aka Canteen, a guy I can best describe as “I don’t want to sit next to him at a dinner party,” kills a bunch of randos.

Moments later we’re treated to an additional five minutes of silence (fun choice for a finale) as Peter Dinklage walks around and does some hardcore emoting. He discovers two dead bodies, one of which I’m guessing is Cersei?

Everyone scoffed at Elaine, but if everyone wore name tags, life would be a hell of a lot simpler. RIP guy everyone except me knows.

Anyway, a nervous Jon Snow shows up at a partially destroyed palace (termites?) and plays it super cool when a dragon flies overhead. My first instinct is that this is baller, like not looking back at an explosion, but maybe dragons in Game of Thrones are like pigeons in New York City? Who knows. Johnny Snow may be nonplussed by the dragons, but he’s super… plussed (?) by the arrival of this regal spitfire:

Now that’s an entrance. I’m 99% certain this is Daenerys Targaryen. Not only does she ooze gravitas, but she looks like Batman in the above photo. Neat! Not to Monday morning quarterback this thing, but playing the song “Big Spender” when she walked out would’ve really added some much-needed razzmatazz to the scene.

Based on Dany’s cult-like following, general demeanor, and association with dragons, I’m going to assume she’s a villain. Plus, she promoted Grey Worm to Head of Murder or whatever. That’s a classic heel move. Listen, this lady might be bad news, but damn everything but the circus does she know how to work a room!

Dinklage is decidedly not on board with Dany’s new “breaking wheels” campaign, so he pulls a patch off of his jacket and… LITTERS, which immediately leads Dany to order his death.

The moral of the story? Don’t litter.

Jon Snow and Dinklage — whose character’s name is Tyrion Lannister, look at me turning into a real Thrones-head over here — share an incredible scene together. It’s easy to see why Peter Dinklage won three Emmy Awards for Thrones. The two exchange philosophical catchphrases while Jon Snow, who if I remember correctly was at one point dead, ironically provides us all with the biggest spoiler of them all: There’s no afterlife.

Thanks a lot, Jon. Much like Killing Eve, I was waiting to discover that piece of information ON MY OWN TIME.

If I’m reading the room correctly, Tyrion wants Jon Snow to kill Dany, who I believe is his queen, aunt, and former lover? Yikes. Say what you will about the HBO comedy Arli$$, but that shit would’ve never happened to Arliss. Probably. I’ve never seen Arli$$ either. I primarily stream old episodes of Happy Endings and the first and only two seasons of Boston Common.

Jon, who seems to be 100% sad 100% of the time, decides to go have a chat with Dany and is met by a giant dragon who was hiding/sleeping in the snow. Why doesn’t anyone seem to care about these dragons!? If I lived in West-Bam-Boo or whatever it’s called, these gargantuan monsters would be my number one priority. They’re dragons. They breathe fire. They’re…. that’s all I got. Still! Jon Snow treats this dangerous monster like it’s the local bodega cat.

While Snow is participating in the straight-to-DVD version of How to Train Your Dragon, Dany is ogling the titular throne the way I look at a two-for-one shower gel special at my local Rite-Aid.

Honestly, I don’t understand all the hullabaloo. It’s just a dirty, pointy chair that almost definitely smells terribly.

This leads to the dramatic confrontation between Dany and Jon Snow, a moment eight years in the making, or if you’re me, about 40 minutes. These two are giving off a very real Jack vs. Locke vibe as they banter about dueling ideologies. Jon asks Dany to forgive Tyrion, she says hard pass, then they kiss. I’m 95% sure they both know they’re related, so I don’t know what the fuck is going on with that. Or the dragons. Or why the throne looks so dirty. It’s almost like the GOT creative team only wrote this episode for the people who watched the previous 72 installments, which, honestly, is very inconsiderate towards me.

This leads to Jon Snow killing Dany, which seems like a pretty big deal considering the dragon flips the fuck out about it. I guess the dragons were controlled by Dany? Maybe they were just fans of her politics? I don’t know, but I love their loyalty. They react to Dany’s death the way a kindergarten teacher would react to someone hogging all the blocks. In a real “if you can’t play nice nobody gets the toy” move, the dragon melts the Iron Throne, thus rendering millions of Instagram photos useless.

And there you have it. Game of Thrones is over. Wait, it’s not? There’s still 40 minutes left? Cool. Hopefully 35 of the 40 minutes is spent following people walking around in complete silence!

Nope. Tyrion and Grey Worm (I know them!) appear to interrupt… a local book club?… to discuss the fate of Jon Snow for that whole “severe treason” thing and to appoint a new king or queen. Obi-Wan Kenobi is there, still alive, which is nice. This leads to my favorite part of Game of Thrones: This dude getting completely ethered by this red-headed boss, who I later learn is named Sansa.

The best part is how nobody will make eye contact with this joker after he’s served a scorching hot all-new episode of Burn Notice. Anyway, I hate him and love her. Moments later Peter Dinklage, needing a fourth Emmy so his bookshelf appears centered, gives a roaring speech about… I don’t know. His love of literature?

ANYWAY, all of this leads to Tyrion convincing everyone to make “Bran the Broken,” a man I’d describe as charisma personified, the new king.

Even to me, a rank GOT amateur, this seems out of left field. Based purely on her burning that dude who was preparing to deliver the boringest speech of all-time, I would have given it to Sansa. I love the fact that she’s like, “Brother, I love you and all, but you are not my king.” I can relate to that because it’s exactly what I’d do if my sister was named queen. Also, Bran doesn’t even want to be king, which is the opposite message of my favorite karaoke song: “I Just Can’t Wait to be King” from The Lion King. I know that literally nobody is asking this question, but is the song “I Just Can’t Wait to be King” better than the Game of Thrones finale?

In my opinion, yes. If you disagree, listen to the song again and tell me I’m wrong.

After appointing the human yawn the new king of WESTEROS (I’m ready for GOT trivia night!), Tyrion goes off to visit the Charlie Brown of Game of Thrones, Jon Snow, to inform him that his punishment for murdering the queen is that he’ll never own land. As someone who lives in New York City, this doesn’t seem like an adequate punishment. I’m never going to own land and I’ve killed zero queens and had sex with zero aunts. There’s a smattering of sentimental goodbyes as we learn the fates of the surviving characters: Sansa gets to be queen of an independent nation (I think?); Jon Snow is sentenced to wander the arctic with a one-eared wolf that if the subtitles are to be believed is named Ghost or is a ghost; and Arya is presumably off to search for hidden treasure with Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean 6: Arya Kidding Me? 

And with that, Game of Thrones is over. The finale didn’t inspire me to stream the series, but I think I would’ve enjoyed it if I had watched it from the beginning. My MVP is Sansa. Runner-up: Dany. Bronze medal: The wolf (Ghost?). And that concludes…

Wait… I thought there were zombies on this show?

Actually, forget it. I don’t care. Have a nice day.

Where to stream Game of Thrones