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We’re only halfway through June 2019, and it’s already been one helluva of a Pride Month. First, the straights in Boston organized the world’s least fun parade. Then Taylor Swift—the same Taylor Swift who, just three years ago, some suspected of voting for Trump—dropped a new music video filled with queer pop culture icons. But I’m here to talk about my personal favorite moment of Pride 2019 so far: The proposal that Woody from Toy Story might be bisexual.
This morning, as I was perusing Google trends to find the absolute best headline for my latest hot scoop, “Is Toy Story on Netflix?“, I discovered that the top trend was not “toy story 4 release date.” Nor was it “toy story 4 opening day” or even “when does toy story 4 come out.” No, to my elated surprise the top trend—for reasons that I can only assume are Pride miracle-related—was: “is woody from toy story bisexual.”
I experience a myriad of emotions upon reading this. First, delight: People think Woody in Toy Story is bisexual? That’s incredible! Second, confusion: Wait a minute, is Woody from Toy Story bisexual? Third, anticipation: Oh man, this is going to kill on Twitter.
To answer the question on the minds of hundreds of Google users, most of whom live in Tennessee: No, Woody from Toy Story is not bisexual—at least, not canonically. As far as I can tell, the reason this rumor spread is thanks to a satire site called NPC Daily, which published the following Onion-esque article: “Disney announces that Woody will be ‘openly bisexual’ in Toy Story 4.” This joke story threw homophobic Toy Story fans into a panic, who immediately turned to Google to reassure them that their beloved toy cowboy wasn’t, gasp, queer.
But is that a satisfying conclusion to this Pride Month Saga? That bigots don’t have to boycott a billion-dollar franchise? No, I need to this to go further. I need those homophobes in Tennessee shaking in their boots, imagining a Woody and Buzz sex scene. I need supposedly tolerant allies arguing that toys shouldn’t be sexual, conveniently overlooking the fact that Woody and Bo Peep made out under the mistletoe in Toy Story and that the Buzz popped a wing-boner over Jessie in Toy Story 2 (yes, that really happened). I need this to be true.
And so, without further ado, I present the following pieces of shaky evidence to support the claim that Woody from Toy Story is, indeed, bisexual. Tom Hanks, feel free to weigh in.
Exhibit A: Woody wears a red handkerchief as a scarf.
First of all, scarves are gay. Second of all, have you heard of the handkerchief code, AKA the hanky code? No? Well, it was a code used by gay and bisexual men, mostly in the ’70s and ’80s, to secretly indicate they were looking for a sexual partner. And, uh, I really didn’t want to bring this up but… a red handkerchief means the handkerchief-wearer is into fisting. Counterpoint: Woody is a stitched doll, not a hand puppet, so maybe not on that last thing.
Exhibit B: Most cowboys are queer.
I mean, where do you think the inspiration for the hanky code came from? (Note: I have no actual proof that this is where the inspiration for the code came from, but it feels right.) Cowboys, as a concept, are gay. The Village People knew it. Brokeback Mountain knew it. Viggo Mortensen in Texas Chainsaw Massacre knew it. I rest my case.
Exhibit C: Woody has no chill.
Everyone knows that bisexuals have no chill. And Woody? Zero chill. New toy in his house? No chill. Discovers he’s a collectible item? No chill. Loses his hat? Definitely no chill. He’s got bi- written all over him.
Exhibit D: It’s not actually crazy to think there might be something going on with Buzz.
I hesitate to even bring this up, since straight people love to scream, “BROMANCE IS NOT ROMANCE” at me whenever I, a bisexual, suggest that sometimes intense platonic relationships between people of the same sex evolve into romantic relationships. Remember when Woody rescued Buzz from Sid? Or when Buzz rescued Woody from Al’s Toy Barn? Or when Buzz told Woody they would always be together? And don’t give me that, “THEY’RE TOYS” stuff when Buzz is literally dating the gender-bent version of Woody.
I admit this isn’t quite the representation I imagined when it came Disney’s first bisexual character, but hey, I’m going with it. Woody, I’ll see you at World Pride next Sunday.
