Is ‘Kindergarten Cop’ Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Best Performance?

Arnold Schwarzenegger has had a long and celebrated career creating some of Hollywood’s most iconic action films — classics such as the Terminator series, Predator, Conan The Barbarian, Commando, True Lies and The Expendables. It was natural that he’d eventually find a way to play against type, and in 1990, he did just that with the action-comedy Kindergarten Cop. Far from just playing a fish-out-of-water story for laughs, though, the film — which is available for streaming on Hulu now — stands the test of time better than almost any of his more traditional roles.

At the outset, Arnold’s character — a grizzled undercover police officer in Los Angeles — doesn’t stray from type at all. He swaggers in with shades and stubble, a long duster and a shotgun, looking every bit like the murderous T-800 of The Terminator. He’s a no-nonsense cop, not afraid to shoot up a nightclub just to speak to an uncooperative witness or interrogate a suspect without their attorney present. He’s hot on the heels of a drug smuggler behind multiple murders, and he’s not letting anything stand in his way.

When he finally collars his target, the only thing needed to put him away for good is the testimony of the criminal’s ex-wife, who’s started a new life in hiding with her young son. Reluctantly paired with a partner — the perpetually hungry Detective O’Hara, played to comic perfection by Pamela Reed — Kimble heads to Astoria, Oregon for an undercover reconnaissance mission, with O’Hara portraying a kindergarten teacher in the child’s school. (If the scenery looks familiar, it’s because it is — the photogenic small town was also the filming location for The Goonies, Short Circuit, Free Willy and many other films).

When a bout of ill-timed food poisoning leaves O’Hara laid up in bed and unable to arrive for the first day of class, Kimble — clean-shaven and wearing a fresh blazer — surprisingly steps in as her substitute, taking over a room full of six-year-olds. He’s immediately terrible at it, which is obviously played for laughs, but this isn’t some dated gender norm on display. The movie isn’t suggesting that no man could take care of kids, it’s suggesting that this man — a man more comfortable shooting down a door or hurling someone through a plate glass window – can’t. (Go back and watch Mr. Mom if you want to see the opposite on display. It has not aged well.) He’s completely unable to control the classroom or relate to a room full of kids who act like — well, kids.

There are several small things I adore about this movie when it comes to realism. First of all, I appreciate that they take the time — albeit briefly — to have a character ask Kimble where he’s from, and have him say “Austria,” just so we don’t have to spend the whole movie wondering why this LAPD officer sounds like Arnold Schwarzenegger. More importantly, I appreciate the kids. They’re not precocious scene-grabbers loaded with zingers like sitcom kids (though many are quite cute, and a few later did sitcom work). They’re just weird, like kids are. There’s one obsessed with death, and another obsessed with gynecological definitions of genitalia. They’re often inarticulate and shy, and they’ve got simple needs that can be hard to meet — stability, consistency, and a steady hand to guide them. That’s where this film truly succeeds; if you’re going to put an action hero in a kindergarten class for laughs, make it feel like a real kindergarten class.

Kimble grows into the role, if haltingly and unconventionally; he imposes police-style discipline on the class, and introduces a pet ferret who “never bites” — a Chekov’s gun if there ever were one. He improves the class’s fire drill response time, and beams with quiet delight when he pulls together a successful nap time. By the time his murderous drug lord foil is freed from prison and descends on the town, Kimble has morphed from a fish out of water to one that’s learned to swim pretty well.

He’s also developed a strong relationship with the people he’s come to town to protect — fellow teacher Joanna and her son Dominic, one of Kimble’s students. This elevates the stakes when the villainous Cullen Crisp — a slithering menace of early-’90s perfection, with slick shoulder-padded suits, a long ponytail and a propensity for casual violence — arrives in Astoria.

Kimble isn’t just saving the day like Arnold always does here — he’s protecting a child who needs a figure like him in his life.

The movie’s timelessness comes from the simplicity of these stakes. While a film like Commando or True Lies strains under dated portrayals and changing politics, or The Running Man or Total Recall lags compared to current sci-fi storytelling, Kindergarten Cop thrives on a story that works just as well in 2019 as it did in 1990. It’s the story of a tough guy learning that there’s more than one way to be a hero, and that standing up for children requires a strength even Arnold Schwarzenegger had to build up to.

Scott Hines is an architect, blogger and internet user who lives in Louisville, Kentucky with his wife, two young children, and a small, loud dog.

Where to stream Kindergarten Cop