Fun
Frisky
Nostalgic
Intense
Adventurous
Choked Up
Curious
Romantic
Weird
Rejoice, for The Great British Baking Show has returned to Netflix! There is perhaps no other show in the world that provides such comfort, such delight, and such pointed puns about buns. You could say that the show’s success is thanks to its hosts, the wonderfully daffy Noel Fielding and razor sharp Sandi Toksvig, but The Great British Baking Show once existed without them. (We miss you Sue and Mel!) Same goes for judging partners Paul Hollywood and Prue Leith. There’s even a case to be made that the star of show is really that tent. It’s a simple makeshift shelter that evokes a luxurious country summer.
However, I think the key to The Great British Baking Show is its cast. Every year, the producers find 12-13 amateur bakers who manage to win over even the hardest hearts in the universe. Unlike other reality competitions, where contestants crow to the camera that they’re not here to make friends, the contestants on The Great British Baking Show can’t help but befriend each other. They root for each other and even help each other out in a pinch.
The thing about baking is it is an art form rooted in generosity. The time and effort put into proving the perfect loaf of farmhouse bread or decorating a showstopper wedding cake is rewarded not with money or glory, but the satisfaction of another human being. Baking always yields a meal too big, too sweet, and too rich to devour alone. It is intrinsically an act meant to enrich a communal experience. As such, all the of the bakers featured on The Great British Baking Show come with a kind heart and giving soul. The result is that The Great British Baking Show becomes one of the few shows arguing that there’s still hope for humanity. Like the bakers on the show, we all have the capacity to be friendly, warm, giving, and patient.
The Great British Baking Show Collection 7 kicked off last week with a bakers’ dozen of contestants — and I love them all.
Phil
Phil Thorne is a 56-year-old HGV driver from Rainham. The Great British Baking Show introduces him as a doting father of two girls and he repeatedly credits his wife as his baking partner. He is this season’s dad and he knows it. He’s proud of it. He flaunts it. He’s even decorated his own kitchen with a plaque that says, “Dad’s Kitchen.” Phil *is* DADDY. To prove it, Phil provides this season of The Great British Baking Show‘s first dirty moment when he rubs down the cone of his rocket ship cake in a phallic manner. The man’s flirtatious vibe knows no bounds.
To put it bluntly, I would die for Phil, and his dad vibe, too.
Jamie
Jamie Finn is one of the hunk-a-doodle-doos of this season of The Great British Baking Show. One of two 20-year-old lads in this year’s competition, Jamie is noteworthy because he’s got an easy sense of humor and a twin brother who likes to do mirror gags with him. Young Jamie stumbled a little in the first week, but Prue liked the taste of his biscuits.
I would also die for Jamie.
Priya
This is Priya O’Shea, and while Wikipedia tells me she’s a Marketing consultant, she has asked the producers to describe her as an “aspiring novelist.” Now, Priya is perfect, in my opinion. Her bob is divine and she has two adorable sons who are bad at cracking eggs (even though she would never say such a thing!). However, as an aspiring novelist myself, I feel slightly threatened by Priya’s ambitions. She is obviously better than I am, and I respect that.
I would let Priya use me as a desk upon which to write her novel (which I’m sure will come out before mine does).
Steph
Steph Blackwell is a 28-year-old shop assistant from Chester — lovely town! — and she has killer bangs. She also has a ghost grandmother who can find anything you’ve ever lost. To me, that sounds like a really valuable spiritual asset, but Steph is offering up Ghost Nan’s services to everyone. Steph’s generosity knows no bounds, and we should all treasure this incredible supernatural gift she has bestowed upon us all. Also, she seems very traumatized by that experience of dropping an ice cream cone as a child.
I would die for Steph, and then come back from the dead and protect every ice cream cone that comes into her path.
Alice
Alice Fevronia is a geography teacher from London, and I bet she is her students’ favorite teacher. After all, she’s nice, bubbly, and apparently brings cake into school. Alice also has a real Disney princess thing going on, from her wide sapphire eyes to bubble gum pink sweetshop-inspired cake. That is to say, Alice is what Ke$ha would call a “motherf*cking womaaaaan.” But it would be slightly bleeped out like that, because Alice is also a lady. Alice is exactly the kind of woman I wanted to be when I grew up, which means I love her.
I would go on an arduous quest for Alice, riding a horse to the ends of the earth, and slaying a dragon — just for her.
Amelia
24-year-old fashion designer Amelia Le Bruin is simply the cutest. From her bubbly giggle to pink-dipped curls, she is a burst of sunlight on a lazy fall field. She is a darling daisy, natural and effervescent. I want to shield her from the stress of the competition and encourage her to fly. Amelia! You can do this! You may be young, but your bakes are mighty! Now, can we talk about that zebra print casual wear you were designing? I WANT.
I would take a bullet for Amelia and I’m not exaggerating.
Dan
I weep for Dan Chambers, for his dreams of winning The Great British Baking Show are now dead. Poor, dear, darling Dan was indeed the first baker cut from this season. It is a loss I am still reeling from, as Dan was as tender as a kiss on the cheek, and as sweet as marshmallow. Dan works as a support worker aiding people with developmental disabilities because Dan is a saint. He is one of god’s chosen angels on earth, man bun or not. His loss is a blow to all of us.
I would drown in a pool of my own tears for Dan and his really iffy pirate island cake.
Helena
Spanish-born, Leeds-residing Helena Garcia is The Great British Baking Show‘s version of Christine McConnell. She’s spooky and she’s ooky, and she has to put up with Paul Hollywood making gross jokes about her “furry garden.” She’s also a maestro at making chocolate cake. Apparently she puts coffee in it which is always the smart thing to add to chocolate cake! I adore her devotion to the gothic aesthetic and want to see more of her vampire baby.
I would be buried alive in an ornately decorated coffin for Helena.
Henry
Henry Bird is supposedly a 20-year-old student from Durham, but I think he is a changeling prince. A sweet sprite of a man who brings cake round to all the good boys and girls of the dormitory. He’s also, for my money, the most adorably nervous contestant in this year’s competition. Henry is forever covering his face in worry when the judges taste his bakes, all the better to shield his delicate beauty from the lashings of Paul’s cruel commentary.
I would allow myself to be taken hostage by an orgy of satyrs to save this sweet princeling.
Michelle
Week 1’s star baker was Michelle Evans-Fecci, or as I call her “Welsh Claire from Fleabag.” Even though Michelle makes a big stink about looking like host Noel Fielding, she is in fact, the long lost twin of actress Sian Clifford. As you can see, she does not look like a pencil. (That’s a Fleabag joke.) She is also delightfully upbeat, rooted in her Welsh culture, and fond of chickens. I adore Michelle and long to taste one of her bakes.
I would happily be burned alive by a mob of angry medieval villagers for Welsh Claire from Fleabag.
Rosie
Can I just say that I am already obsessed with Rosie Brandreth-Poynter? Sure, she’s a 28-year-old vet from Somerset, but she also has facial expressions to rival Kombucha girl’s. Her spastic eye movements and self-deprecating ways make her my personal baking star. And let’s not even forget to talk about how she proves her bread at home in her SNAKE’s pen! The genius of it! The wild, Swiss Robinson Family ingenuity of it!
I would let Rosie’s own snake coil around my neck and suffocate me to death! I WOULD DO THAT!
David
There are no villains in the universe of The Great British Baking Show, but there are contestants that are slightly harder to fall in love with. These tend to be the openly ambitious, feverishly competitive, snottily perfect ones. David is one of these people for me. It’s not that I won’t learn to love him, but his first episode rubbed me the wrong way. He was too polished, too smug about his lean fat-free loaf. Oh, and then there was the sassy way he told Michelle her timer was going off. It’s as if he didn’t realize shade didn’t belong in the tent because the tent’s structure provides all the shade the show needs!!! To quote great American poet Taylor Alison Swift, “You need to calm down!”
I wouldn’t die for David. I don’t dislike him, but I don’t love him (yet).
Michael
This is Michael Chakraverty. He is a 26-year-old theatre manager/fitness instructor/fluff muffin who is luckily not a hemophiliac. You know, because he basically bled all over the tent last week. The poor dear kept cutting himself while chopping up his dry fruit. Now, Sandi said it was because of nerves, but it’s also probably because he keeps his own knives dull. Michael is my favorite because he’s a lavender cupcake prone to kitchen accidents. (Also, because I saw him holding Michelle’s hand tighter than a vise during the Technical Round. HE IS HERE FOR MORAL SUPPORT. HIS AND YOURS!)
I would allow myself to be stabbed a thousand times just to spare Michael’s hands another mishap. He is the dearest one (after Dan!), which is why I’m worried he’ll be eliminated soon.
