Stream It Or Skip It: ‘6 Underground’ on Netflix, a Classic Display of Michael Bay’s Violent Excess

Michael Bay brings his trademark style to Netflix with 6 Underground, a Ryan Reynolds-headlined actionstravaganza that’s gearing up to be 2019’s version of Bright and Bird Box — a big-budget flick that’s critically reviled but a viewer favorite. Of course, by “trademark style” I mean “relentless and unrepentant ugliness.” Also of course, I try my best not to let Bay’s name cloud my judgment before watching, and that’s where we play the ridiculous benefit-of-the-doubt game: Will this be another classic slab of indigestible Bayhem, or will this finally, finally, FINALLY be the movie that converts his haters to fans? (I would advise you not to hold your breath.)

6 UNDERGROUND: STREAM IT OR SKIP IT?

The Gist: 6 Underground opens as many Michael Bay movies do, with beautiful things being destroyed. Our protagonists are ripping Florence, Italy apart with a neon-green Alfa Romeo. They’ve just acquired an eyeball — organic, recently removed from a skull, optic nerve still attached — that’s important to the plot. Pigeons, tourists, nuns, babies, puppies, wedding parties, caricature artists, mimes and hotties on Vespas dive out of their way, although some don’t, and they either die or are horribly maimed. An infinite number of pursuers continuously appear out of nowhere to chase them. They smash priceless sculptures and architecture like a toddler playing Godzilla with his Legos. The car comes to a screeching halt at the base of Michelangelo’s David, so Dave Franco can make a dick joke at the statue’s expense. Classy!

It takes four minutes and 28 seconds for something to explode into fireballs, an image that’s Bay’s signature. (Goodness gracious, the fireballs.) Roughly 15 minutes later, the sequence concludes with a forklift impalement, allowing a transition to some flashback origin stories. Who are these people, and what are they doing? We only know them by their numbers and specific professional skills. One (Ryan Reynolds) is a billionaire magnet magnate who faked his death in order to assemble an off-the-grid vigilante squad of nothing-to-losers. His goal? To right some of the world’s most terrible wrongs. Two (Melanie Laurent) is a former CIA spy. Three (Manuel Garcia-Rulfo) is a possibly reformed hitman. Four (Ben Hardy) is “the skywalker,” a near-superheroic parkour… artist? Sure, artist. Five (Adria Arjona) is the doctor (she performed high-speed bullet-removal surgery on Two in the backseat of the Alfa Romeo). Six (Franco) is the driver. Seven (Corey Hawkins) is the new recruit, an ex-military sniper.

Their mission is to trade snappy banter while dethroning the evil dictator lording over the fake country of Turgistan. Rovach Alimov (Lior Raz) is, like, really into killing his own innocent civilian citizenry with chemical weapons — something that makes One really really really really really really really mad and sad and extra-snippy with the one-liners. The plot winds through Italy, Afghanistan, Paris, Savannah, Las Vegas, Hong Kong, Mongolia and Turgistan, destroying small or large bits of each, the movie functioning as a travelogue of destruction. Will our heroes survive this agglomeration of guns, noise, grenades, gore, quasi-comedy, exploding boats, murdered adults, murdered children, decapitations, severe beatings, wrecked cars and other miscellaneous and excessive vulgarities? Or, more crucially, will we?

What Movies Will It Remind You Of?: If the Mission: Impossible, Ocean’s Eleven and Fast and Furious franchises had a baby with naught but two cold nickels clinking around in its skull, it would be 6 Underground.

Performance Worth Watching: Yours. Your performance is worth watching, but only if you make it all the way to the bottom of this cinematic Marianas Trench of bad taste.

Memorable Dialogue: Michael Bay films are not known for their dialogue outside of “Go go go!” or “Move move move move move!” But I soldier on. One pep-talks his squad with the following words: “We’re all gonna die. Might as well do it while we’re alive.”

Sex and Skin: Two and Three get so hot and bothered after killing the crap out of some Turgistan shitheads, they go back to their Vegas hotel room for a good, lusty rut.

Our Take: Chinese action-movie master John Woo is famous for his slow-motion doves, a symbol of beauty surviving a chaotic scene. There’s a scene in 6 Underground featuring slow-motion pigeons, the rats of the air. Is this an unwitting self-own, or is Bay savvy enough to make the visual reference? I dare not hazard an answer.

But I will say this is classic Michael Bay: Less a movie, more a deeply cynical display of brainless violence. It’s exploitative. It’s viciously unpleasant. It employs his signature male-gaze ogle-cam for shots featuring women — or guns. If guns wore skirts, Bay’s camera would look up them. There’s a notice at the beginning of the film that it contains strobelike effects, but it has nothing to do with lighting — it’s just Bay’s 3,000-edits-a-minute M.O. The poor-brown-people-need-saving-by-rich-Westerners plot is stereotypical and problematic at best, offensive at worst. If the tone was any more callous, it would be the soles of a barefoot marathon runner.

The strange truth about Bay is, he’s a gifted visual artist with a great eye for dynamic, moving imagery. This makes 6 Underground a rarity, a singularly thoughtless and infantile application of such considerable skill.

Our Call: SKIP IT. 6 Underground is a good old-fashioned piece of detestable, idiotic crap. Hate-watch it if you must, but have your air freshener holstered and ready, and prepare yourself for a scalding-hot shower after.

John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Read more of his work at johnserbaatlarge.com or follow him on Twitter: @johnserba.

Stream 6 Underground on Netflix