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Deep in the Netflix content dungeons lie some of the weirdest, screwiest and conceived-on-drugs-iest kids shows you’ll ever likely see. These are animated series that defy logic, reason, sense and sanity. Lalaloopsy isn’t loony enough, Chip and Potato isn’t salty enough, and Boss Baby isn’t bonkers enough to be mentioned in the same breath as these shows. They seem designed to give parents fits, snits, hives, convulsions and/or tremors of the body and soul.
Of course, they also inspire some pointed inquiry: Who comes up with this stuff, and how? Will we have to pry the toys from the hands of our poor, susceptible children the next time we set foot in Target? What kind of allure could anthropomorphic slugs and hot dogs possibly have? Why is My Little Pony so weirdly appealing? Will people millions of years in the future scrape some digital bits of talking evangelical vegetables from an ancient hard drive and make sweeping generalizations about our collective human intelligence? Like I said, tremors of the soul.
Anyway. Back to the insane cartoons. Here are 8 of the most insane ones. They’re just waiting to be discovered on Netflix by your kid, perhaps to your horror — or fascination.
'Pinky Malinky'
Thousands of millions of years of evolution on Earth have culminated in a cartoon about a talking hot dog who who lives among humans and goes to middle school — just as it was drawn up in the grand plan of the cosmos, no doubt. The show is structured as a mockumentary; its theme song includes shouting of the word “weiner” approximately 300 times in a row; its protagonist’s origin story must be a thing of incomprehensible horror. It’s SpongeBob meets The Office meets brain-maiming psychedelics.
'Charlie’s Colorforms City'
A very, very charming corporate logo comes to life in this nontoxic commercial for toys you forgot existed! Charlie, a character who no doubt spends his every waking moment yearning to be a real boy instead of an amalgamated representation of commercial interests, is our host. He lifts his triangle, which no doubt desperately wants to be a real hat, to reveal that his head is full of an eerie glowing light and numerous brightly colorful shapes with which he builds his own realities. Regardless of whether Charlie’s adventures are just colorful ads for crafty playthings or deep metaphors for the complexities of individual perception, I’m skipping this show and holding out for Shrinky Dinks: The Series, A Very Lite-Brite Life or The Psychedelic Adventures of Spirograph.
'Larva Island'
This Korean cartoon can only be the product of a world where the conceptual slough of anthropomorphic animals meets its most ragged and desperate ends. Two grubs named Red and Yellow participate in grotesque slapstick, mostly involving their only functional appendages, their tongues. They communicate in grunts, squeals and cryptic mutterings. One plot depicts them eating mushrooms until they fart noxious clouds of vile gas; another finds them growing a monster with corn plucked from bird guano. I have yet to suss which foul maggot is a post-pupa analogue of Vladimir and which is Estragon, but their batshit-deranged adventures will surely inspire adults to contemplate the existential fringe of the Theater of the Absurd.
'Oggy and the Cockroaches'
The anthropomorphic-vermin trend continues with this ’toon, about a blue cat named Oggy, who slapsticks around with his roach roommates Joey, Dee Dee and Marky (Johnny apparently got smashed with a bat when it missed the brat). The good: the show is all pantomime and sound effects, and therefore features no repetitive, screamed catchphrases. The bad: it’s one Magic Nose Goblin shy of being a shameless Ren and Stimpy ripoff.
Oh, btw … did we mention anything about Oggy’s cartoon nudity scandal? WHOOPS.
'Kazoops!'
In this whimsical cartoon, a boy named Monty takes his pet piggy on playful adventures crafted wholly from the fabric of his vivid imagination. Seems innocuous enough. But after a few episodes, intense scrutiny of the theme-song lyrics, deep Googling and perusal of the utterly useless community portal on the Kazoops! fan wiki, I have yet to find an answer as to what the cuss a “Kazoop” is. Perhaps it’s the boy’s last name. Maybe it’s nonsensical nomenclature for the figments of his mind. It could be whatever’s in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction. Most likely, I’ll mutter “Kazoops” with my final deathbed breath, and chase the mystery into eternity.
'VeggieTales in the House'
More than a quarter-century after the debut of this Christian-themed series — in which crudely animated talking vegetables live the most Jesus-y lives they can possibly muster — it has yet to answer three fundamental questions: Is their God a pile of lima beans or a cabbage or a big hand with a seed packet, or what? Why hasn’t Pa Grape been cast out of the VeggieTales garden for being a fruit? And how many people turned away from the Lord upon making the logical determination that wacky, annoying, chattering, preachy cartoon vegetables could only be the creation of Satan himself?
'Popples'
Who, I ask, could concoct a set of creatures combining all the most maniacally annoying traits of Ewoks, Smurfs, Trolls, Hatchimals, Furbies and Oompa Loompas? Some crazed geneticist? Or, more likely, a committee of mad marketing suits hybridizing numerous successful annoying properties into a single, vexatious creation designed to (hopefully) sell toys and ad time? Either way, these chirpy, jabbering rainbow-wads of fur and eyeballs should come with a warning label: likely to cause severe allergic inflammation for adults within eye- or earshot.
'Horrid Henry'
This British book-series adaptation is about a ne’er-do-well kid who’s always getting in trouble. But at second glance, it appears to be the origin story of a serial killer. Henry makes Bart Simpson look like Strawberry Shortcake. Henry would force Sid from Toy Story to be his lickspittle. Henry would eat Dennis the Menace alive, with fava beans and a nice chianti. He’s an impulsive creature wreaking torment upon his parents, teachers, pollyanna little brother and anyone else in his path; he dreams of growing to Godzilla proportions and stomping on his school; he yearns to be king. King! A damn hell ass king! The definition of lunacy! Henry is clearly destined to make headlines, elude and resist arrest, and probably die in prison.
John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Read more of his work at johnserbaatlarge.com or follow him on Twitter: @johnserba.
