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Sharpiegate has nothing on Nipplegate. This week, Americans distracted themselves from the coronavirus pandemic by obsessing over New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo‘s nipples, which may or may not be pierced with a metal barbell. Even Stephen Colbert got in on the fun as he investigated the “classic nipple mystery” on Wednesday night. “If that’s true, the Cuomo family are such gym rats that even their nipples lift,” joked The Late Show host.
Last night, Colbert devoted a portion of his Late Show monologue to the world’s ongoing “obsession” with Gov. Cuomo. “One governor who’s getting great reviews for his leadership in this time of crisis is New York governor, and only guy allowed to make fun of Chris Cuomo, Andrew Cuomo,” said the host. “Gov. Cuomo has projected an air of much-needed confidence during the epidemic, and the people are there for it.”
He brought up the many tweets and op-eds praising Cuomo’s handling of the COVID-19 outbreak, which has prompted some to declare their love for the New York governor. “It’s okay, these feelings are perfectly natural,” said Colbert. “Many Americans experience moments of being at least Andrew-curious, if not fully Cuomo-sexual.”
But Cuomo-sexuality aside, all this attention “has recently gone to a really weird place,” said Colbert. “I’m quite surprised this is an actual headline — people are asking, ‘Pierced or not? The mystery over New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo’s nipples,'” said the CBS host, joking that it’s a classic nipple whodunnit “just like Man-Boob on the Orient Express or The Talented Mr. Nippley.”
After some examination of Cuomo’s potential nipple barbell — “Do your nipples even lift, bro?” — Colbert decided that his piercing doesn’t matter. “Honestly, who cares what’s really under that polo shirt? The governor is doing a good job,” he said. “Hell, some of our greatest leaders have been into body modification. Every school child learns about George Washington’s wooden tongue stud. Lucky Martha.” Gross.
Watch Stephen Colbert investigate Andrew Cuomo’s potential nipple piercing in the clip above. The Nipplegate discussion begins at the 8:04 mark.
