Stream It Or Skip It: ‘The Big Flower Fight’ on Netflix, a Reality Competition Series in Which Contestants Craft Giant Things Out of Flowers

Another day, another reality-competition show focusing on a niche skill, in this case, Netflix’s The Big Flower Fight. Unfortunately, this series isn’t an American Gladiator derivative in which contestants whale on each other with gargantuan lousworts and corn-cockles — no, it’s a topiary tangle in which artists and florists and crafters and cobblers and such construct living sculptures out of plants. And not just any living sculptures either, but TOTALLY COLOSSAL living sculptures that aren’t quite colossal; you know, more the size of Andre the Giant, not a pole barn. There are so many competition shows of this type in existence, we’re to the point where there should be a show in which all the competition shows are pitted against each other to determine which competition show is the ultimate competition show. So in order to stand out, the BFF has its work cut out for it.

THE BIG FLOWER FIGHT: STREAM IT OR SKIP IT?

Opening Shot: Nestled in a cloud of phony mist, a topiary wolf tilts its snout towards the sky. Awoooooo.

The Gist: British comedians Vic Reeves and Natasia Demetriou (of What We Do in the Shadows fame) are the hosts. “Florist to the stars” Kristen Griffith-VanderYacht is the judge. Ten teams enter a sweltering hot bio-dome to conceive and construct a different big thing made out of flowers every episode; one will win Best in Bloom and one will mingle with the dog dook and banana peels in the compost bin. They have 15 hours, and hopefully a very fast, very veracious green thumb. At the end of the series, the winner will have an opportunity to design a thing for London’s Royal Botanic Garden.

This time, the theme is ENORMOUS INSECTS. Griffith-VanderYacht says they need to be big and beautiful. Guest judge Humaira Ikram, a professional garden designer, will be eyeball design aesthetics and whether the flowers used will attract actual insects. The final piece of work must be living, and not “look like last week’s salad,” Griffith-VanderYacht underscores. As participants paw through a pile of metal thingies to use as frames for their pieces, the production profiles some, but not all of the teams, because some teams are apparently more interesting than others. There’s two guys who look like they raided Elton John’s closet, there’s two girls who are Brooklyn hipsters. Some are artists, some are architects, some are actual florists, but none of them really specializes in constructing big ugly bugs out of herb feathers and huckleberry whatnots, like so many of us do.

Three teams elect to build butterflies, so they better not be BASIC AF, Griffith-VanderYacht whispers, and you feel like one of them is doomed. Doooooooomed. One duo elects to build a snail, which isn’t technically an insect, but nobody brings it up. Moth, beetle, honeybee and whatever a few of these teams who get barely an ant’s-breakfast amount of screen time are making slowly take shape. Tick tock tick tock tick tock goes the countdown-o-meter. The tension builds: Halfway point. One hour left. One minute. Time’s up: DROP YOUR SNIPPERS, BITCHES. Who’s got the best bug?

Our Take: Where’s Edward Scissorhands when you need him? He’d turn a hedge into a murder hornet the size of a Mini Cooper and walk off with the trophy. Some of these contestants actually turn out some quite lovely big ugly flower-bugs, but would you want one in your window box or backyard? Hell no. And are we interested in how such things come together? Vaguely, unless you yourself are a blossomhead or shrubberista, possibly.

Frankly, Reeves and Demetriou, ostensibly hired because they’re funnyfolk, look bored out of their minds, and almost gamely push the narrative along toward their paychecks. Griffith-VanderYacht does his best to inject a bit of enthusiasm into the proceedings. The contestants are likeable enough on their own, be they colorful weirdos or normies. They find themselves mired in the same old reality-competition fill-in-the-blank-off formula we’ve seen dozens of times before, catering to myriad niches: Pottery, films, pies, fashion, tattoos, Legos, haircuts, good cakes, shitty cakes, etc. Future episodes promise highly competitive flora-building of fairytale scenes, “big hairy beasts” and thrones made out of fruit. Do we care? I’m not sure if we care.

Sex and Skin: None.

Parting Shot: The camera zooms in on a lady made out of plants and wearing a purple lady-gown as Demetriou declares, “We all look forward to seeing you in the next challenge, when you’ll be knocking out a stunning piece of floral fashion!”

Sleeper Star: The father-son team of Ralph and Jim, ostentatiously inspired to craft a snail out of dirt and moss and such, sure seem doomed. Doooooomed. Why build a snail? “Why not?” is their answer. They’re boring as heck. Watch them win the whole shebang now.

Most Pilot-y Line: “Prepare for some serious avant-gardening!” — Reeves

Our Call: SKIP IT, unless you have a serious itch for some foliage-porn.

John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Read more of his work at johnserbaatlarge.com or follow him on Twitter: @johnserba.

Stream The Big Flower Fight on Netflix