Stream It Or Skip It: ‘The Queen and the Conqueror’ on Netflix, a Historical-Fiction Telenovela from Colombia

¡Telenovela time! Netflix has dropped 60 episodes of The Queen and the Conqueror (La reina de Indias y el conquistador) on us for all our burning historical-fiction desires. If that seems like a lot of smolder-und-drang, keep in mind, Guiding Light clocked a couple hundred shy of 16,000 episodes during its run. So this saga, a dramatization of the legends of indigenous Colombian India Catalina and Spanish conquistador Pedro de Heredia, is a drop in the bucket in comparison.

THE QUEEN AND THE CONQUEROR: STREAM IT OR SKIP IT?

Opening Shot: Catalina (Essined Aponte) and her father, the chief of the tribe, bury the remains of her mother in a field.

The Gist: Subtitle: MANY YEARS AGO, SOMEWHERE IN THE NEW WORLD. Fine, so the specifics are mushy, but Wikipedia says it’s the early 16th century in what’s known today as Cartagena. Catalina and her old man barely put dirt on their mother/wife, who died in battle with another tribe, when their village is under attack. Again. This time, it’s Spaniards with muskets, looting, pillaging and, eventually, slave trading. Despite her fiery, spirited defense, Catalina is taken back to Santo Domingo by Diego Nicuesa (Manuel Navarro), a total shitbird who likes to flog himself and teach “civility” to “savages.” She sits alone and tied up in a dim dungeon for months, and all her captors do is throw bread at her and, apparently, trim her bangs every so often.

Meanwhile, in Almeria, Spain, Pedro (Emmanuel Esparza) is scoundreling around with a nobleman’s wife when the cuckold suddenly comes home. As you do when such a thing happens, thou grabbest thine tunic and leave forth from thine window. Pedro visits a gypsy fortune teller, who scares the tar out of him by soothsaying something about four brushes with death in a faraway land. And then Pedro is nearly gutted by the cuckold and his bodyguard, left to convalesce with his brother and sister-in-law. If only they had killed Pedro, he wouldn’t have returned to slaughter them both in a poorly choreographed swordfight then flee the country by stowing away on a boat to Santo Domingo.

On the island, Diego forces Catalina to wear a dress and eat dinner with him, and when his back is turned, she stashes a bread knife under her 147 layers of fabric. That night, she stabs a knight and unsuccessfully attempts to free the other slaves. She’s captured, and Diego has her whipped, and threatens her with a good old-fashioned brutal christening. On the boat, Pedro works his way through some boat drama that feels like it’ll be inconsequential to the series, except for the part where he identifies a dead man as Pedro so the feds won’t be on his ass for committing murder. He helps save a powerful guy’s life, and the powerful guy says he’s pretty cool for a stowaway, but in the next scene they’re in Santo Domingo and Pedro is imprisoned by the powerful guy for no explicable reason. Doesn’t matter; he escapes and stumbles, sweaty and fermenting, into the market, where he locks eyes with the captive Catalina. TO BE CONTINUED, 58 more times.

Our Take: As you’d expect, The Queen and the Conqueror plays fast and loose with history, specifically how it renders Pedro, who in real life was a true conquistador with upper-class status and a thirst for conquest. Here, he’s a rugged stubbleface with a thirst for ladies and a maybe a little justice. Whether this is a little whitewashy, and if he accidentally stumbles into founding Cartagena later in the series, I will never find out, because committing hours and hours to the TV version of a his-fic romance novel just ain’t my bag. Which isn’t to say it ain’t somebody’s bag, but if I haven’t carved out time to catch up on all 800 completely legit prestige-TV series out there, The Queen and the Conqueror just isn’t a priority.

It doesn’t help that the show clings to lots of the corny bullroar of many a soap before it: prodigious slo-mo, unimpressive production values, plodding pace, emotional histrionics, etc. And yet, it looks utterly respectable, save for the cheeseball scene-transition graphics, which render a ship upon the ocean with animation worthy of only the cruddiest of Bible-story cartoons from 1998. If only TQATC was worse, it might be more fun.

“If only TQATC was worse, it might be more fun.”

Sex and Skin: Just some implied rummaging beneath the covers and a little shirtless beefcake.

Parting Shot: A close-up on Catalina, who narrates, “I never imagined he’d be the one that I would love and hate with everything that I am.”

Sleeper Star: As Diego, Manuel Navarro convincingly captures the reprehensible character of a scumlord who likes to whip himself and others with equal joyless glee.

Most Pilot-y Line: “I felt losing her was the worst that could happen to me. How wrong I was,” Catalina narrates, mourning her mother and girding us for 59.9 more episodes of her suffering to come.

Our Call: SKIP IT. Got about 60 hours to kill? I’d wager you don’t.

John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Read more of his work at johnserbaatlarge.com or follow him on Twitter: @johnserba.

Stream The Queen and the Conqueror on Netflix