Stream It Or Skip It: ‘The Old Guard’ on Netflix, in Which Charlize Theron Kicks Butt Forever, Almost Literally

(Siren emoji) POTENTIAL FRANCHISE ALERT (siren emoji): The Old Guard sure seems like Netflix’s next big thing, a superhero saga — based on a comic book you likely haven’t heard of — primed and ready for as much crossover success as its gruesome violence allows (which is a more-than-fair amount, he said cynically). Veteran director Gina Pryce-Bythewood jumps from Love and Basketball and The Secret Life of Bees to a visually dynamic genre, hopefully proving herself capable of bringing refreshing textures to a medium-to-large-ish-budget mainstream venture.

THE OLD GUARD: STREAM IT OR SKIP IT?

The Gist: The broadsword is the first clue this four-person hero squad isn’t your typical black-ops outfit. I mean, when you acquire a weapon that’ll last you for centuries, why wouldn’t you hold onto it? They are IMMORTAL and they are WARRIORS and they are more than a little TORTURED by it. They are the Old Guard, led by Andy (Charlize Theron), but I shall call her ANDROMACHE OF SCYTHIA, as that’s what’s on her birth certificate, although that document is likely long gone, perhaps lost or destroyed at or around the Battle of Hastings. She’s been around a while, is what I’m saying, longer even than her fellow quick-healing, nigh-eternal warriors: gay lovers for the ages Joe (Marwan Kenzari) and Nicky (Luca Marinelli), and total newb Booker (Matthias Schoenaerts), who’s only a couple centuries old.

So this gang of four lives and works underground, hiring itself out for good deeds, e.g., rescuing schoolchildren when they’re held hostage by a militia in Morocco. That’s what Copley (Chiwetel Ejiofor) enlists them for, but as that one guy in that one movie said, it’s a trap. They’re gunned down, and caught on camera being like totally immortal as heck, you know, magically shedding bullets, mending any compound fractures and gingerly picking themselves up off the ground — such things won’t kill them, but they can still feel painnnnnnnnnn.

Copley set ’em up to confirm his suspicions of supernaturalism, and intends to funnel them to pharmaceutical bigwig Merrick (Harry Melling), believing he’s wants to use immortals’ DNA and other bodily goops to develop drugs to combat humanity’s many ailments. But true to big-pharma form, Merrick is a sadistic capitalist shithead who only foresees profits atop profits, and perhaps Copley, and his giant crazy-guy superfan bulletin board full of clippings and string and pushpins documenting ANDROMACHE OF SCYTHIA’s many centuries of noble deeds, has some regrets.

So the Old Guard is in a bit of a pickle. Reinforcements will be recruited just in the nick: they all share a dream — that’s how they find other immortals, see — about Nile (Kiki Layne), a U.S. Marine who took a knife to the jugular while subduing a person of interest in Afghanistan, and improbably woke up soon after without even a phantom tickle. ANDROMACHE OF SCYTHIA snatches her up, and you’d think maybe explain things a bit, but no, our 1,000-year-old protag is gruff and cryptic. ANDROMACHE OF SCYTHIA takes a long, long pull on a bottle of Ouzo (I know, yuck, right?) and they get in a fight, possibly to see if Nile can handle herself. (Note: Nile can handle herself.)

The Old Guard now numbers five. The more impossible-to-kill people, the merrier, I always say, especially when you have a mad pharma-monger siccing his private army of faceless goons on you. This is officially a goddamn action-adventure now. There are rules to thee immortal existence for Nile to learn, of course. And will everything get complicated? When does everything ever not get complicated?

What Movies Will It Remind You Of?: In the realm of Charlize Theron action films, The Old Guard is better than Aeon Flux but not as good as Mad Max: Fury Road.

Performance Worth Watching: Layne was luminescent in If Beale Street Could Talk, and The Old Guard proves she’s capable of dramatically embiggening goofy genre fare like this.

Memorable Dialogue: Andy sums up Nile to the other immortals: “She stabbed me, so I think she has potential.”

Sex and Skin: None.

Our Take: I have so many questions. What if you cut off ANDROMACHE OF SCYTHIA’s head, and take it really far away? Will the head grow a new body, or will the body grow a new head, or will they both grow their missing portions and we end up with TWO ANDROMACHE OF SCYTHIAs? The immortals heal themselves physically muy rapidamente, but what about psychological trauma? Is that covered by immortality insurance? I would assume so, at least somewhat, considering the lifestyle brings with it the burden of centuries of pain and loss that’d send one of us 79-years-and-change-on-average types tumbling into crippling despair. Do they go to analysis? If so, what mortal, trustworthy doctor could handle the sheer mass of psycho-damage, and not violate HIPAA laws?

Maybe this stuff will be covered in a sequel (if so, can I have story credit?), since The Old Guard introduces enough wriggly and succulent storybait worms (two words: DEATH LOOP!) to suggest someone is hovering o’er a keyboard, waiting for this movie to ball-peen enough effing skulls to warrant the green light. And maybe this is the quarantine crazies talking, but the movie is fairly fresh superhero fodder, conceptually sturdy and poised to fill a void for those of us who haven’t seen an MCU movie for a whole entire year, which equals a thousand million years in MCU years.

Prince-Bythewood manages to deliver the goods consistently despite some silliness and rampant setting-it-all-upness. It’s fairly standard stuff of this ilk, a little bit better than most thanks to Layne and Theron’s charisma and some pretty cracking action sequences, which are good, but not Atomic Blonde good. There’s a whole lotta plot, the pop-music soundtrack is watery and listless in this context and it’s occasionally too gory for young audiences to watch when their parents are in the room. But Theron adds a nifty double-curved-blade ax to her action-film arsenal, it earns its deep-ish emo beats and it sometimes actually feels like it adequately conveys the consequences of death. It also leaves you feeling like a sequel would be better, deeper, richer. Gotcha.

Our Call: STREAM IT. The Old Guard isn’t great, but it is pretty good, and has the potential to get better. There’s no reason for this not to be a big fat hit.

John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Read more of his work at johnserbaatlarge.com or follow him on Twitter: @johnserba.

Stream The Old Guard on Netflix