Fun
Frisky
Nostalgic
Intense
Adventurous
Choked Up
Curious
Romantic
Weird
Last month, Schitt’s Creek received some well-deserved mainstream acclaim when the Pop TV sitcom swept the 2020 Emmy Awards. The show’s success provided a desperately needed feel-good moment as Dan and Eugene Levy, Catherine O’Hara, and Annie Murphy were celebrated for their comedically resplendent portrayals of the Rose family. There’s a lot to love about Schitt’s Creek, but my favorite part of this small-screen game changer has always been Alexis Rose.
Portrayed with a joyous zest by (Emmy-winner!) Annie Murphy, Alexis Rose could have been your average one-note heiress. But Dan Levy’s writing and Murphy’s immaculate comedic precision turned Alexis into one of the funniest, most beloved characters in recent TV history. Schitt’s Creek provided a plethora of memorable moments during its six season run, but one of the most surprising aspects of the show is how Murphy turned one little name into the funniest word on television: David.
By my crackerjack calculations, Annie Murphy has said the word “David” 270 times on Schitt’s Creek. Earlier this year, I wrote a detailed article cataloging the 276 best jokes from the first five seasons while also tracking how many times Alexis uttered the word “David.” To celebrate the sixth and final season of Schitt’s Creek debuting on Netflix, I decided to rank Alexis’ best “Davids.” Since a good portion of her Davids were simply conversational (“David’s at the store;” “it’s just temporary storage, David,” etc), I didn’t rank all 270 and instead settled on the best 148. I broke Alexis’ “Davids” down into five different tiers and added the season/episode number (Season 2, Episode 2 would be stylized as S2, E2) for easy reference. Sometimes I just published the quote, while other times I added additional text for reference. Why not bask in as much Schitt’s Creek sunshine as possible, right?
In regards to the actual rankings, I mean, there’s no wrong way to Alexis Rose. All of Annie’s quotes, jokes, quips, and vocal medley of “mmms,” “umms,” and exasperated gasps are hilarious. I just arranged them in terms of how much the particular line or scene made me laugh. I also included an array of amusing Alexis photos because Annie Murphy has the funniest, most expressive reaction shots on television.
As you might imagine, minor spoilers ahead. Without further ado, here’s a little bit (more of) Alexis. Love this for you!
148-121: "Like clockwork, David." (S4, E3)
147. “This is actually a great idea, David. Consolidating all of your products under one label instills brand recognition and creates synergy.” (S3, E9)
146. “Honestly, David, and like no offense, but when I get out of here, I’m gonna get my own place so I can pack how I wanna pack, and I don’t have to be called a circus freak all the time.” (S1, E13)
145. “David was such a little drama queen when my parents tried teaching him, that they threw all the bikes into this big bonfire up in the Hamptons, and we never talked about it again.” (S2, E4)
144. “Nobody likes their driver’s license photo, David.” (S3, E4)
143. “Um, I mean, have your fun now, David, because when the twins arrive I’m gonna really need your help.” (S4, E1)
142. “David, I was just about to sample the unisex Mennonite cologne on Patrick.” (S3, E9)
141. “Oh my God, David!” (S5, E11)
140. “I’m your brand consultant, David. I’m consulting with you on which template to use.” (S5, E6)
139. “David, I don’t have a boyfriend anymore.” (S6, E11)
138. (S5, E11)
137. “Don’t, David. I have nowhere else to put stuff.” (S2, E7)
136. “When it comes to three people, David, there’s always a favorite.” (S3, E2)
135. “Okay. It’s called sweat equity, David. I learned about it this week.” (S3, E9)
134. “No, but, um, one time I did do a book report on David’s diary, and it was very dark.” (S5, E2)
133. Alexis: Okay, I just really think you should stay out of it, David. You’re not good under pressure.
David: And you are?
Alexis: Um, I’m sorry. Were you picked up by the South Korean Secret Police on New Year’s? I had to sweet talk the consulate’s lawyer to get me a passport before midnight. (S2, E12)
132. “David, Ted said that I had to wear scrubs, but what does that mean really?” (S2, E10)
131. “It’s called an immersive experience, David!” (S6, E5)
130. David: I have been looking forward to seeing Kerry Washington in that all-female revival of “12 Angry Men.”
Alexis: Okay, David, I’m gonna have to like bring down to earth for a sec: There is no way you’re getting tickets for that show. But I love your enthusiasm. (S6, E12)
129. “It’s not really a cute look to be this age and live at home. No offense, David.” (S2, E11)
128. (S3, E2)
127. “Like maybe it realized that it… missed the bigger pots that it used to grow in… and maybe it can’t live up to its full potential in such a small space? David, I’m starting to feel that I’m a lot like the plant.” (S6, E11)
126. Alexis: Cuppy the Kitten’s dead.
David: Oh my God. What happened?
Alexis: I don’t know; I’m reading, David. (S4, E5)
125. David: Ted is taking his clothes off.
Alexis: You wish, David. (S3, E5)
124. Alexis: Oh my gosh, David, it’s gonna be so fun for you tonight, doing that with mom.
David: Don’t touch me!
Alexis: That’s so nice!
David: Don’t! That’s harassment! (S2, E2)
123. “I’m the one that’s supposed to be getting out of the stupid car, David! The driving man’s coming!” (S3, E4)
122/121. David: You know, sometimes at night, I see things.
Alexis: Oh my God, David!
David: Yeah, yeah. Like… dark things. Like sometimes there’s this old woman that paces back and forth by your bed, waving her hands over your face. I don’t think her bony fingers ever touch your mouth, though.
Alexis: Mom?
David: Do you ever wake up with chapped lips?
Alexis: Dad?
David: Dad’s dead.
Alexis: Ohhh, you’re such a dick, David!
120-88: "It's an online social hub for rural singles, if you must know, David." (S4, E8)
119. “David, how long are you gonna be doing this? Okay, just come and get me after you vomit, okay?” (S1, E2)
118. Alexis: I think I need a hug, or something.
David: W-you what?
Alexis: I need a hug.
David: Uh… uh…
Alexis: David, will you please give me a hug? (S2, E6)
117. David: Is that a bow in the back?
Alexis: Don’t, David! (S6, E14)
116/115. Moira: Celebrating a monthly anniversary seems a bit of a reach, but then Alexis informed us that this is the longest relationship you’ve ever had!
Alexis: Four whole months, David.
Johnny: How about that?
David: Okay, this is not the longest relationship I’ve ever had. I had a very intimate connection with Tony for several years.
Alexis: She was your pen pal, David.
Moira: She was in a penitentiary, dear. (S4, E7)
114/113. “Like, David forced us to watch him shoot at a basket for ten minutes until the ball hit the rim and then bounced back in his face. But it actually worked out perfectly, because all David really wanted for his Bar Mitzvah was a nose job.” (S4, E9)
112. “And David, I know what you’re thinking, they’re probably back at his house, listening to Frank Ocean, laughing and re-hydrating… ” (S5, E6)
111. David: I asked Stevie.
Alexis: David, you better be talking about Stevie Nicks. (S6, E4)
110. “Okay, well this isn’t fair, David. I’m the one who should be at a sketchy bar meeting randoms.” (S2, E7)
109/108. Alexis: Okay, do me a favor, David, and don’t mention this to dad cause I haven’t chosen my courses yet, and if he finds out he’s just gonna, like, buzz around until I ask him his opinion. And no offense to him, but I don’t want it.
David: This is the same college where Malala gave that devastating commencement speech, right?
Alexis: I don’t know, David, maybe he did. (S4, E1)
107. Patrick: Blow on them, David! You have to blow on the circles, David! You have to blow on the circles until they’re blue.
David: I’m blowing!
Alexis: Blow harder, David! (S6, E11)
106. “But you didn’t stop recording. So people basically got like, a whole podcast about how David’s wetting the bed again. If I wasn’t your publicist, I would be enjoying the situation a lot more than I am. Which is still, like, quite a lot.” (S6, E2)
105. “Where are my favorite groom and David off to?” (S6, E4)
104. “We make a very good team, David. You do the talking, and I sample the merchandise.” (S4, E5)
103/102. Alexis: Did you or did you not have a subscription to Cosmo Girl when you were 16-years-old, David?
David: No.
Alexis: Okay, David, if you have to lie about something you should breathe out while you answer cause it really just calms you down. (S2, E12)
101. “My brother is getting married today. Still feels so weird to say that, so drink up, David. It’s your big day. And we love you.” (S6, E14)
100. David: You look like a stick of gum.
Alexis: Like… what? David… (S2, E10)
99. (S5, E14)
98. [Gasps] David! (S3, E5)
97. “So, Stevie… you’re a strong woman who’s alone a lot. Like, I know you dated David, but everyone’s allowed a mistake, am I right?” (S2, E7)
96. “Don’t worry, David. I’ve been in this situation, like, the most times… except I’m always the girl getting into the truck.” (S3, E2)
95. Alexis: There are 200 people watching this, David! That’s like, double your Instagram followers.
David: Okay, my account is private, thanks. (S3, E5)
94. “You know what I think would be really cute is if I had my own little label, like, under your label. And I can sell festival wear, and I can sell, like, hair feathers and body jewelry… David.” (S3, E9)
93. David: Okay, well, I hardly think Ken is a threat.
Alexis: Mmm, tell that to his million dollar smile, David. (S5, E6)
92. “Okay, this is why you have ground rules, David! Josh Groban has a thick leather-bound binder full of them.” (S5, E6)
91. (S5, E5)
90. “Here’s the thing you should know about my dad: sweetest little guy, gives the worst gifts. Like, he built David a basketball court for his Bar Mitzvah.” (S4, E9)
89. Alexis: I knew you’d get all panic-y and weird about this, so I’m looking for a two bedroom. You’re welcome.
David: Okay, What if my husband and I don’t wanna share an apartment with you?
Alexis: David, you try finding an affordable one-bedroom in a place that’s not Atlantic City. (S6, E12)
88. David: I’m sorry for taking your truck without permission. (Roland doesn’t leave.) Um… it was a bad mistake, and it won’t happen again. (Roland still doesn’t leave.) Oh my God. Um… and I feel really bad about it.
Alexis: But do you, David? (S2, E1)
87-49: "Ew, David!" (S2, E11)
86. David: This isn’t one of those animal rights viral videos where the bunnies go through a meat processor in the end, is it?
Alexis: Ew, no, David. (S3, E5)
85. David: I’ve been trying for the past little while to secure an exclusivity deal with this vendor, but she’s very picky about her retailers. Everyone’s trying to get their greasy hands on her cheese.
Alexis: Ew, David. (S4, E5)
84. David: Alexis, you’d like this product. It’s all about aging and dry skin.
Alexis: Oh my God! Ew, David! (S1, E8)
83. “No, Patrick didn’t die, David.” (S6, E14)
82/81. Alexis: David! David!
David: STOP! (S5, E1)
80. “Hey, David, just pretend you’re in, like, a super dangerous walk-and-turn sobriety test.” (S5, E1)
79. Patrick: This is his phone number.
David: Yes, it is. Yeah. Look at you go.
Alexis: And he, like… gave it to you in front of David, so clearly no threat there.
David: Hey, Alexis, find a stick… (S5, E6)
78/77. Well, this is a new feeling for me, Ted! What if something happens to David? I’m basically his only friend. Or my Dad. David and my mom sometimes gang up on him, and I’m basically his only friend. (S5, E13)
76. “Imagine what I could do with your bachelor party, David. Diplo still sends me nudes.” (S6, E4)
75. “Well, all I know is that Patrick is a sweet little button face, David, so don’t mess this up.” (S4, E1)
74. (S5, E6)
73. Johnny: You got that Teppanyaki table for your bar mitzvah.
David: That was thrown out after Alexis left her extensions on it and everything smelled like burnt hair.
Alexis: I thought it was an actual table, David. (S2, E2)
72. “Oh, David. We have a V-VIP staying with us at the moment. So do you mind staying at Patrick’s tonight? Your vibe can be a bit intense.” (S5, E3)
71. Alexis: Oh my God, David, look at this one. It overlooks a park. I would have my own bathroom. And oh my God, your bedroom would have one of those little beds that comes down from the wall.
David: Okay, we’re two people. We would get the master bedroom.
Alexis: But I have a lot of coats. (S6, E12)
70. David: I can’t have your personal drama storming over my business dealings right now, so I think it’s best if you got out of the car and walked home.
Alexis: Walked home? That would take like 15 minutes, David. That’s absolutely not happening. (S4, E5)
69. Alexis: I hate you, David.
David: See ya! (S2, E4)
68. (S3, E4)
67/66. Alexis: See, David, this is what happens when you wash your face with a bar of motel hand soap!
David: It’s a zit. People get zits. I mean, I’ve always had clean, radiant skin, but I’m an anomaly.
Alexis: It’s not a zit, David. I think it’s just my anxiety clogging up my pores. (S2, E9)
65/64. David: Putting your name on a line of edible nail polish isn’t what I would call having a job.
Alexis: I was very hands on, David. I came up with all the flavors by myself.
David: Even the one that poisoned all those people?
Alexis: David, the factory in Guangzhou assured us that it was lead-free. Ugh! (S2, E10)
63. Alexis: I don’t know why you didn’t ask me first, David. I have my license in seven different countries, And I have my “F” Class.
David: Isn’t that for transport trucks?
Alexis: Yes, well, I had a lot of people to move! (S3, E4)
62. “Okay, I hate to break this to you, David, but there will always be somebody for me to flirtatiously boss around.” (S3, E9)
61/60. “David’s in the back, but I am Alexis and I’m currently studying business, and I’m David’s sister and life coach.” (S3, E9)
59. Alexis: He actually sounds kind of chill, David.
David: What did he say?
Alexis: ‘Sup?’ (S4, E8)
58. David: You don’t wanna spend too much money up front.
Alexis: Yeah, that’s not good, David. (S3, E9)
57. “Oh yay, David! Yay!” (S2, E12)
56. David: What exactly did I do wrong here?
Alexis: Oh, I don’t know, David. Mmm, was it the time you kissed my boyfriend? Or… was it the time you kissed my boyfriend? (S5, E5)
55. “Oh my God, David! Knock much?!” (S6, E3)
54/53. Alexis: I think it’d be a weird look for me to be a flower girl at my age, David.
David: I’ve thought about it and I want you to give me away.
Alexis: Oh my God, David. That’s, like, arguably the most important role of the wedding.
David: A simple yes or no is fine. No need to pull focus, okay?
Alexis: I do. (S6, E4)
52. “Okay, David, shush for a minute.” (S6, E14)
51. David: I slept in the cab of a truck! Overnight!
Alexis: Oh my God, who hasn’t, David. (S2, E1)
50. “David, you and mom literally ruin my life.” (S1, E12)
49. David: Okay, nobody freaked out when Alexis went missing.
Alexis: I didn’t go missing, David. The FBI knew where I was the entire time. (S2, E1)
48-22: "Happy birthday, David." (S3, E13)
47. “Thank you, David. You look very expensive and gorgeous too.” (S6, E14)
46. David: Okay, I’m taking your juice.
Alexis: David! (S2, E1)
45. David: Um, well it doesn’t help that Alexis just tweeted ‘Goodbye to a great actress,’ with a cool sunglasses emoji.
Alexis: Ok, I’m wearing sunglasses because I’m in mourning, David. (S4, E5)
44. David: Did you plug your hairdryer in with wet hands again?
Alexis: Hey, that happened twice, David. Let it go. (S5, E1)
43. Stevie: David, would you mind walking me home? I don’t think we’re finished talking.
Alexis: Oooh, David! (S1, E10)
42. David: Where would you even throw a party like that in this town?
Johnny: I don’t know. I haven’t thought that through yet. Maybe Roland’s house?
David: Listen to the words coming out of your mouth.
Johnny: Then you plan it.
David: What? No!
Alexis: Oh, snap, David!
Johnny: Talk to the hand, son, because the ears are no longer working. (S1, E12)
41. (S2, E9)
40. Alexis: Oh! David? It could be worse. You guys could be a ‘Total Power Failure.’
David: Mm! Eat glass! (S5, E1)
39. “Well, I’m sorry for having fun, David — with a selection of very confident international men — but I was always okay.” (S3, E4)
38. David: You know that I have bad foot-eye coordination. You didn’t have to wear corrective leg braces for three months.
Alexis: You can’t blame everything on having been pigeon-toed, David. (S2, E4)
37. Alexis: David, it is one foot on the pedal and one foot on the ground and then get the hell out of here, okay?
David: I don’t know what that means. (S2, E4)
36. Moira: Where were you all night?
David: Um out..side. I was outside.
Johnny: A little past curfew.
Alexis: Oh burn, David. (S4, E1)
35. David: Just out of sheer curiosity, um, where do you stand now on whether or not you think this motel is cute? Like, is it still cute, or is it…
Alexis: You’re a dick, David! (S1, E1)
34. David: All those compliments, and fist pumps…
Kid: Bumps.
David: Shut up. Was that just part of the big scheme?
Kid: No, you have.. cool style.
Kid 2: I like your shoes.
Alexis: They’re lying to you, David. They’re lying, they’re lying. (S4, E3)
33. David: Maybe it’s best if you stayed in the car with the windows down.
Alexis: Stop it, David, I’m not a baby. (Alexis whines) (S4, E5)
32. Alexis: I mean, I get it. Roland’s the mayor, and it’s very difficult to work with someone who you’re attracted to.
David: Yeah. Like you and Ted.
Alexis: No! We’re making fun of mom and dad right now, David! (S3, E9)
31. David: I think I’m having a heart attack, is what’s happening!
Alexis: David, you are like 34.
David: I’m basically 29. (S1, E6)
30. David: I failed the stupid quiz, and Alexis made me feel bad about it.
Alexis: David, you’re basically 40 years old. I shouldn’t be able to make you feel bad about anything. (S5, E1)
29. “And if we’re pointing fingers, David, I’ve done it on a lot of sinks and I’ve never had an issue.” (S5, E10)
28. David: You mixed up the day and the month on your ticket again, didn’t you?
Alexis: No! No.
David: Like that time you showed up to Kate Winslet’s wedding a month late.
Alexis: The calligraphy was hard to read and Billy Zane also did the same thing, David. (S6, E1)
27. (S3, E4)
26. Alexis: Ugh! If this is about those stupid Tamagotchis…
David: Actually it is.
Alexis: You left me with six of them, David. Taking care of that many is like a full-time job!
David: I left you with six adult Tamagotchis in perfect health, and by the time I came home, they were all dead. You have to, like, actively murder them in order for that to happen! (S5, E10)
25. “Hey, relax, David. I once had a seven-year-old drive me around Mumbai, so I’m pretty sure you’re cool to steer for a sec.” (S3, E4)
24. David: Here’s just the thing about our mom: She’ll be really devastated if Alexis doesn’t come, and I’m sure you’re from a really solid home and…
Alexis: David…
David: Understand.
Alexis: I’m gonna slap you in the face.
23. “Honestly, David, I have tried to find my pulse like a thousand times and nothing. So don’t worry about it.” (S1, E6)
22. “Ugh. Woof, David.” (S3, E13)
21-1: "That’s a cute little wood thing, David." (S2, E3)
20. Alexis: I’ve just like, I’ve been thinking a lot about it, and I think you’re right.
David: I know. About what?
Alexis: Like, I think I’m wearing a wedding dress.
David: Oh, I know that.
Alexis: I really wanted to impress you today. And now I feel like I’m ruining your wedding.
David: I think you’re giving yourself a lot of credit. My wedding was already ruined. But for what it’s worth, I am continuously impressed by you. Now can you please walk me down the aisle before people lose interest?
Alexis: Hey, David… it would be my honor.
David: Okay.
Alexis: Hey, I love you. (S6, E14)
19/18. Johnny: Oh, look at David. Smart enough to get that joke, but not smart enough to stop wearing sweaters in the middle of summer.
Alexis: Burn, David!
David: Okay, here’s why that joke didn’t work.
Moira: And look at you, John. A worthy competitor emerges… something the good people at Blockbuster never said about Rose Video. Ha! Ha!
Alexis: That was low, like David’s standards.
David: Or the placement of Alexis’ back tattoo.
Johnny: Alexis has a back tattoo?
Moira: Alexis, what have you done to yourself?
David: It says “that’s hot” in Cantonese. Got it in Hong Kong.
Alexis: Ugh! I was 12-years-old! (S5, E12)
17. “I don’t skate through life, David. I walk through life, in really nice shoes.” (S3, E4)
16. “David, you look so cute under there! Like a tiny toadstool man or a little acorn person or something.” (S5, E1)
15. (S2, E4)
14. Johnny: Bring it in, big guy.
David: Yeah, I don’t know if that’s something I wanna do right now.
Alexis: David, Dad’s poor right now! (S2, E9)
13. “I’m not gonna wear my own clothes into the room, David. They’re not scary enough.” (S2, E12)
12. Roland: Next time, someone will think twice before they steal my truck, yes?
Alexis: Ohhh, burn, David!
David: Shh! (S2, E1)
11. “It’s like a witch’s house in here, David.” (S1, E6)
10/9. Alexis: Someone keeps eating my yogurt! Arghhhh!
David: What kind of yogurt?
Alexis: I was saving that for after my run, David!
David: Oh my God. I guess I was saving it for during your run, then.
Alexis: Agh, you’re like a big, dirty raccoon, David! (S2, E2)
8. (S4, E5)
7. David: I don’t want to have to bring this up, but it’s my turn to take a selfish.
Alexis: No, David. You selfished last time. (S1, E6)
6/5. Alexis: Fine, I will go, but I am not happy about this at all.
David: Okay. Get off my bed.
Alexis: Ouch, David! Ouch, David! (S1, E6)
4/3/2. Alexis: You know what, David?! You get murdered first for once!
David: No, you get murdered first!
Alexis: David, you get murdered first!
David: No, you! You do it!
Alexis: Yes, you get murdered first! David, you get murdered first! (S1, E1)
1. Moira: Nobody knew where you were! And your phone was off!
David: I texted Alexis!
Alexis: I’m sorry for not responding to, like, one text, David! (S2, E1)
The sixth and final season of Schitt’s Creek is now streaming on Netflix.
