Stream It Or Skip It: ‘After We Collided’ On Netflix, The Steamy, Toxic Sequel To Harry Styles Fan Fic-Inspired ‘After’

Last year, After, a novel that began as Harry Styles-inspired fan fiction, was adapted for the big screen. The results were… less than stellar. Despite these negative reviews, however, this romance about a college freshman and her hot, broody British boyfriend is back for a second installment called After We Collided, now streaming on Netflix after spending the last few months on VOD. Will our chaotic couple stay together? Will new, equally hot dudes tear them apart? Let’s find out.

AFTER WE COLLIDED: STREAM IT OR SKIP IT?

The Gist: In case you missed the beginning of their relationship, After We Collided generously offers up a little bit of a romance recap. After getting sucked into a whirlwind romance (and eventual betrayal) her freshman year of college, Tessa (Josephine Langford, sister of 13 Reasons Why star Katherine Langford) tries to start a new chapter of her life as an intern at a publishing house. Meanwhile, her brooding British ex Hardin (Hero Fiennes-Tiffin, AKA. Ralph Fiennes nephew) spirals into a dark place, yearning for a shot at forgiveness and pursuing Tessa no matter how many times she tries to push him away. Adding drama to the mix this time around is her cute new coworker Trevor (Dylan Sprouse), who makes Hardin feel threatened and Tessa unsure of her feelings.

While things remain rocky between Tessa and Hardin for a short while, the two begin to reconcile after a drunken hotel hookup and some nudges from his overly warm mother, for whom the two pretend to still be dating to please. There’s an ice skating-hot yoga-office shenanigans montage, a sappy gift exchange, an unexpected exchange of I-love-yous, and some ticking time bomb lurking underneath it all. That’s right, things can’t stay nice and happy forever. They have to crash and burn, because that’s the kind of chaos self destructive bad boys like Hardin are obligated to create! Will her shy-but-hot coworker distract her from Hardin? Will family dynamics get in the way of any semblance of a healthy relationship? Will true love prevail? All this (and more!) is kind of answered by the end of After We Collided.

What Movies Will It Remind You Of?: I think After We Collided wants to exist in the same guilty pleasure category as steamy, toxic romances like Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey, but it is so endlessly cringe-y that it doesn’t even deserve a spot among those titles.

Performance Worth Watching: Not much to write home about here, folks. Not one performance worth watching. Though I do have to give a shoutout to Selma Blair, who is literally in this movie for one minute. Maybe even less.

Memorable Dialogue: There are so many truly terrible gems in After We Collided, but an early exchange between a cranky Hardin and a friend at a party is a particular favorite: “Well well, look what the cat dragged in,” his friend taunts. “That’s a stupid fucking expression. Why would a cat drag me anywhere?” Hardin retorts. It’s like, a bad attempt at conveying his British bad boy mopeyness while also making him seem like an utter ditz. Art.

Sex and Skin: After We Collided is full of sexual encounters that feel like they were written by a horny sixteen-year-old girl; frantic clothes-tearing-off and steamy drunk sex in a hotel room, ill-advised ex birthday sex, post-hot yoga shower sex, forbidden office sex that moves way more slowly and emotionally than any sexual encounter in an office should, and yes, you guessed it, simultaneous orgasms that occur RIGHT as the clock strikes midnight on New Year’s.

Our Take: I have to admit that I cackled within the first MINUTE of After We Collided, a film that compares this stale romance to the Greeks, and Shakespeare, the Brontes, Jane Austen. I shouted “what IS THIS MOVIE?” aloud multiple times into my empty apartment. Granted, I have made similar exclamations while watching the Fifty Shades of Grey franchise, but at least those movies brought me some kind of joy. After We Collided bizarrely combines a Lifetime Original Movie-level script with a series of attempts at erotic sex scenes that would never be allowed on Lifetime, and it… never quite works. If there was even an inkling of chemistry between Fiennes-Tiffin and Langford, perhaps some of the steamier or more emotional sequences might have worked, but there’s no heat here. Not even a feeling of hatred or disgust – there’s no real feeling at all, and that’s why the whole thing flops so dramatically. I’m not sure if any of the actors in After We Collided have any kind of chemistry with each other. Not any of them. No couple, no group, no single person and accompanying scenery. It’s almost impressive.

In addition to no feeling, there’s no story; After We Collided plays out like a series of vignettes in a dysfunctional relationship. And so much of it… doesn’t… make… sense. Every scene elicited a “why”? From me. If you’re going to do this kind of thing, why not take things to as crazy a level as possible? Soap it up? Throw in some more drama! Even the dramatic moments that do exist in the film are so hindered by the high school theater-level dialogue exchanges that we can’t get invested at all. And the stakes could not be lower. And if you’re wondering if there’s at least some originality to cling to, I’m sorry to say you’re going to be disappointed. This movie has every trope: the brooding alcoholic, the perfect intern at the PUBLISHING HOUSE, the conveniently emotionally-timed car crash, a fancy party proposal, the slow-mo shattering champagne glass, the altruistic parent who pushes a couple at odds together, the job offer that tears them apart. It’s like playing C-level romance bingo, but without the juiciness you might get from other genre classics.

Here’s the thing about movies like After We Collided; an electric couple can survive a doomed script. A disinterested duo cannot. Without that crucial component, everything else is doomed to fail. The fact that Tessa doesn’t have a single friend, or that no one in this world has heard of therapy, or that a young college student is somehow so perfect at this internship immediately would all have been easy to ignore if there was a couple to root for. But they leave us with nothing. And all it would have taken is a simple spark. The sex scenes aren’t sexy, and that’s, like, the number one thing you need for this kind of movie to work. The sex has to be so sexy that it makes us forget how toxic the relationship is! But we’re never given the chance to forget (or frankly, the chance to care.)

Our Call: SKIP IT. If there was any chemistry at all between the two leads and the script was about 50% less cringeworthy, it might be worth the watch with one (or five) glasses of wine. Unfortunately, however, After We Collided doesn’t earn a place in the so-bad-it’s-good category it aspires to.

Jade Budowski is a freelance writer with a knack for ruining punchlines and harboring dad-aged celebrity crushes. Follow her on Twitter: @jadebudowski.

Watch After We Collided on Netflix