Fun
Frisky
Nostalgic
Intense
Adventurous
Choked Up
Curious
Romantic
Weird
Oh lord, Netflix’s Coven of Sisters is a historical drama set during the Spanish Inquisition, when men who knew ALL ABOUT hell and Satan and sin traveled the country burning witches at the stake. Or, more accurately, accused witches — but are they actual witches? Hmm. The movie prompts us to side with either the creepy-ass patriarchal oppressors or the women who claim to be nothing more than humble rope-weavers, and you’ll have to watch the movie to the end to find out for sure whether this is a horror movie or not. NO SPOILERS HERE THOUGH, promise.
COVEN OF SISTERS: STREAM IT OR SKIP IT?
The Gist: Flames lick the sky, cutting through the darkness, and no, these aren’t happy-camper bonfires with s’mores and singing. Judge Rostegui (Alex Brendemuhl) and his loyal consejero Salazar (Daniel Fanego) are wrapping up their latest burning-at-the-stake of what absolutely had to be blasphemous devil-loving ladies, and there was surely no more logical explanation for their behavior. These two not-at-all-delightful men have ordered 77 executions, but oddly don’t seem to be used to the smell of scorched flesh, and one can only hope it never leaves their nostrils. Their next stop is a seaside town where the men are fishing at sea and the women are left to their own devices — so obviously, they’re up to no good and can’t be trusted to not go into the woods and dance and sing and summon the Great Horned One, who’ll arrive to cover the world in blackness and make everyone think about (GASP) sex. It’s 1609.
Rostegui and his armored soldiers round up Ana (Amaia Aberasturi), Katalin (Garazi Urkola), Maria (Yune Nogueiras), Maider (Jone Laspiur), Olaia (Irati Saez de Urabain) and Oneka (Lorena Ibarra), strip them to their underdresses and toss them into a dungeon. Why? They hung out together once and did some dancing, which was obviously not harmless fun, but a ritualistic sacrificial WITCHES SABBATH, which is the type of thing that puts the local Padre Cristobal (Asier Oruesagasti) in a real snit. So the interrogations begin, with some light gaslighting at first, then physical torture as Rostegui and his delightful acquantances try to find an invisible mark that Satan leaves on the women, which one finds by jamming needles into random body parts, obviously. And then they break for dinner, when the men bemoan how the Basque Country is so riddled with evil sorcery, and prove their arrogant villainous shitheadedness by making gross chomping and slurping noises while they eat.
These poor women can’t just sit there and take it, so they come up with a plan: They’ll give these dogma-humpers what they want and delay their executions long enough for their fathers to return from their fishing expeditions and put a stop to this bull roar. So when they drag Ana into the inquisi-chamber, she spills the beans on all the feminist bedevilment she practices, which includes the moaning sounds she makes when Lucifer emerges from the hoary deeps to pleasure her with his pointy sceptre. Rostegui is so interested in what she has to say, he can barely hide his erection behind his dozen godly layers of cloaks. She promises to show him the ins and outs and what-have-yous of the WITCHES SABBATH at the next full moon. The next day, Salazar tells Rostegui that all witches lie all the time, which means she’s lying about being a witch, so she’s obviously not a witch. You can’t argue with that logic. But Rostegui really really really wants to see the WITCHES SABBATH, and can you blame him? It sounds badass as heck.
What Movies Will It Remind You Of?: Robert Eggers’ The Witch is as much of an influence as period costume dramas like Man of La Mancha or Goya’s Ghosts.
Performance Worth Watching: Aberasturi shows a charismatic spark as the ringleader of the accused women, exuding confidence and cunning as she uses her wiles to outwit her antagonists.
Memorable Dialogue: “There’s nothing more dangerous than a woman dancing.” — Rostegui, whose spirit lives on in the town elders from Footloose
Sex and Skin: Ana’s Satanic When Harry Met Sally bit; some female toplessness and bare bums, which are apparently essential to both the WITCHES SABBATH and creepy old guys’ inquisitions.
Our Take: Rostegui and his oafs think that women dancing in forests will literally “reverse the order of the universe” — men will believe any old crap won’t they? Especially if it’s told to them by the Bible or its male interpreters or an attractive young woman who’s scheming to take the power back. You want a scary Satanic ritual with twigs and pigs and flames and mushrooms? You got it, buddy!
I’m afraid I’m making Coven of Sisters sound like a lascivious B-movie, when it’s actually a relatively understated drama that saves most of its big overtures for the final act. The film falls nicely between the usual historical-fiction tropes and atmospheric horror, with director Pablo Aguero opting for lots of moody candles and natural light for optimal spooky realism. It’s a lean and taut 90 minutes that doesn’t say about historical religious misogyny that we haven’t already heard. But its feminist energy is still righteous, and the villainous men so ugly and stupid in their wielding of power, you’ll want to see them embarrassed and emasculated within an inch of their lives. That’s no spoiler — the ending may satisfy some and not others, but it works nicely as a genre piece that turns ideas of good and evil on their heads.
Our Call: STREAM IT. Coven of Sisters is an entertaining and well-executed film, admirably modest in its thematic ambition. It’s a pleasant surprise lurking too many layers deep in your Netflix menu.
John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Read more of his work at johnserbaatlarge.com or follow him on Twitter: @johnserba.
