DMX’s Appearance On A VH1 Reality Show Was A Devastating Look At His Childhood Abuse and Addiction

It takes a lot to make me cry, but DMX’s life story did it. The rapper, who passed away on April 9th at the age of 50, led a life full of abuse and addiction, and despite a successful music career, it’s his stint on VH1’s Couples Therapy back in 2012 that I’ll remember him for. VH1’s “celebreality” era was built on celebrities who were past the prime of their careers, and would seemingly do anything for a paycheck. That’s not what this was, at least not as far as DMX was concerned. (Maybe it started that way, but what transpired on the show was too uncomfortable and too devastating to be mined for the drama.) When X appeared on the show with his estranged wife, Tashera, their relationship of 24 years appeared too far gone to save. But what was more important to DMX’s journey on the show was not saving his marriage but the acknowledgement that his failed relationship and much of his addiction stemmed from the devastating relationship he had with his mother, Arnett. His appearance on this show was very real and very raw, he wore his hurt very openly, a trait that, as a viewer, both endeared me to him and made me feel protective of him.

It’s easy to dismiss celebrity therapy shows for sensationalizing the trauma, mental health, or various addictions of the celebrities that agree to appear on them. After all, many of them consist solely of people made famous for appearing on… other reality shows. DMX and Tashera appeared on the first season of Couples Therapy alongside people like Linda Hogan, ex-wife of Hulk Hogan (who was on the show with her 30-years-younger boyfriend at the time), The Bachelor contestant Vienna Girardi, and Jersey Shore‘s Angelina Pivarnick. Why would a successful rapper deign to appear on a show like this with people who were not his peers but who were made famous by the reality TV machine? Couples Therapy was a show that put relationships under a microscope — it did not seek to repair irreconcilable relationships, instead it focused on how to find the healthiest version of them, and sometimes that meant encouraging people to acknowledge they were better off apart. For most of these people, that’s what would happen. For DMX and Tashera, his partner of over 20 years, that meant divorcing and eventually reconciling to co-parent their kids. Tashera, the mother to four of DMX’s fifteen children, was present at the hospital this week when he died and attended public vigils in his honor.

This show would not be the first or last time DMX opened up about the abuse and abandonment he suffered at the hands of his mother, but the setting of the show, in group and one-on-one therapy with Dr. Jenn Mann (formerly known as Dr. Jenn Berman) revealed the child — still traumatized and victimized by his experiences — within this man with a tough exterior. X reluctantly revealed on the show that his mother committed horrific acts of abuse, like whipping him with extension cords while he slept, and explaining that she never told him that she loved him. “I used to always turn to drugs when I was feeling a certain way,” he said during a particularly brutal moment on episode 105 of the show. “Sometimes when the pressure builds up… I just want to say… ‘Mommy.’ I wanted to say that word. ‘Mommy.’ Not ‘my mother,’ I wanted to say ‘Mommy.” I just wanted to say hi to her,” he says before doubling over crying. In an instant, this man is reduced to his most pure, honest version, a son devastated by a lack of love from his mother, a boy with no mommy. He says later, “As a man, no matter how tough you are, we all need to be somebody’s baby.” Later on the show, he confronted his mother, and he ultimately forgave her for the abuse. She was at his side too when he died this week, though it’s clear that despite their reconciliation, he still couldn’t kick the drug habit he started to fill that emotional void and it took a tragic toll on his life.

Dr. Jenn told X she didn’t expect him to open up as much as he did on Couples Therapy. He told her, “I don’t like to talk unless I have something to say.” Millions will mourn DMX for his talents, his music, and his acting career. As someone who got to know him best through the medium of reality TV, I’ll just miss Earl Simmons, the man who took a great personal and professional risk to let the world in to his deepest, darkest trauma and allowing himself to not be the tough Ruff Ryder we all knew him to be. He didn’t have to share his secrets, and it was a struggle for him to do so, but he had something to say and he said it. I hope he is at peace.

Liz Kocan is a pop culture writer living in Massachusetts. Her biggest claim to fame is the time she won on the game show Chain Reaction.

Where to watch DMX on Couples Therapy