Fun
Frisky
Nostalgic
Intense
Adventurous
Choked Up
Curious
Romantic
Weird
On August 10, 2008, former Subway sandwich spokesman and international man of aquatic mystery Michael Phelps set the world record for the 400m individual medley with a time of 4:03.84. I can’t compete with this famed sultan of splish-splash when it comes to athletic underwater artistry, affordable sandwich promotion, or appearing as myself on an episode of the classic USA series Suits, but a surgical butterfly stroke isn’t a prerequisite for world record immortality. If there’s one thing I know with every fiber of my being it’s that I’ve watched all seven seasons of the hit Amazon series Bosch faster than prominent Olympian Michael Phelps.
Let’s back up. Over the past three years I dove headfirst into the soothing waters of the Bosch fandom by writing two unique articles: “I Texted The Word ‘Bosch’ To 100 People To See What Would Happen” and “Convincing Funko To Make A ‘Bosch’ Pop Was Way More Difficult Than I Imagined.” I penned these essential pieces of nonsensical internet Americana despite having never watched a single minute of Bosch. With the final season set to premiere Friday, June 25 on Amazon, I knew what I had to do. After everything Bosch and I had been through, simply streaming the show wouldn’t be enough. Bosch the series, Bosch the character, and the little piece of Bosch who lives inside each and every one of us deserved better. If I was going to complete my trilogy of Bosch articles, I had to do it my way. The right way. The Bosch way.
On Tuesday, June 15 at 9:00 a.m. ET, I embarked on a daring feat of journalistic heroism as I began my quest to become the fastest person in recorded history to binge all seven seasons (68 episodes) of Bosch.
Every Episode Counts Or No Episode Counts
If you’re unfamiliar with the stealthy charms of Amazon’s long-running drama, the series stars living legend Titus Welliver as the titular Harry Bosch, a steely Los Angeles Police detective who loves justice, his daughter, jazz, quoting Kurt Vonnegut’s “Slaughterhouse-Five,” and Fat Tire beer. I stumbled upon a succinct summary of the show during my record-breaking binge session.
Becoming the fastest Bosch-binger on earth wasn’t the way I originally planned to complete my trilogy of Bosch articles. On March 3, 2020, I sent an email to myself titled “Bosch 3: Key To The City Edition,” which contained notes about potentially trying to secure the TV show Bosch a key to the city. Somewhere in an alternate, non-pandemic universe, I’d be in Los Angeles this week, making small talk with Mimi Rogers and Jamie Hector and covertly soft pitching my Bosch spinoff spec script (In order to catch a gentleman thief with a penchant for mischief and murder, Bosch goes undercover at Six Flags Magic Mountain) to Michael Connelly and Eric Overmyer.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I think the coronavirus is bad.
My voyage into the great streaming unknown began on Tuesday, June 15 at 9:00 a.m. ET and ended on Friday, June 18 at 5:49 p.m. ET. 68 glorious episodes in 80 hours and 49 minutes. I often used a Video Speed Controller to watch the series at 1.2-1.5 speed or to move the show along during stakeout scenes, but I assure you that I watched each and every wonderful episode. It was a no naps, lots of snacks Bosch bonanza.
Day 1: Episodes 1-20: Hold Fast, Die Young, Bad Girls Will Be Caught By Bosch
I love Bosch. I knew I would. Titus Welliver’s magnetic performance deserves a compromised evidence bag full of Emmys. The show feels like a mix between Justified (an all-time great) and Sneaky Pete (an underrated Amazon series), and while I was thoroughly entertained, I underestimated the amount of Bosch a human being can reasonably be expected to absorb in a 24-hour period. When I concocted this harebrained fever dream of an idea, I foolishly assumed it would take me about two days. There are 68 episodes of Bosch (I had access to Season 7 screeners), and I clocked the average episode time at around 45 minutes, which equals 3060 minutes (51 hours). While my detective work was sound, my analytical reasoning was severely lacking. Classic boot move.
I’m an adult. I own a briefcase. I think most bars are too loud. The other day I heard Rod Stewart’s “Maggie May” and said, “They don’t make ’em like Rod anymore,” and you know what? I meant it. But I still genuinely believed that by skipping the intros and enhancing the speed, I’d be able to watch Bosch for 48-straight hours. I was wrong. At the end of my first day, I had consumed two full seasons of Bosch... and I wasn’t even close to the halfway point. It was disheartening. By the end of the night I found myself reciting a familiar catchphrase fans of the series know all too well:
My journey to the center of the Bosch was only one day old, but I was demoralized. Thankfully, my sacrifice would (probably) be forever commemorated by Guinness World Records. Before we continue, here’s a photo of Bosch flirting.
Day 2: Episodes 21-36: Take A Look, It’s In A Murder Book, A Reading Rainbow
I’m the type of person who doesn’t necessarily want to attend your party but will be devastated if I’m not invited. It’s not a particularly attractive trait, but, unfortunately, I’m not actively working on personal growth at this point in time. I mention this because Guinness World Records offers everyone the opportunity to apply to break one of their 47,000 world records for free. Do I need a world record? No. Do I want the adulation that comes with breaking a world record? You bet your Musso & Frank Grill gift certificate I do. But due to what I’m assuming is a clerical error, Guinness doesn’t have a listed record for fastest Bosch binge.
I was in a real pickle. I don’t own a tandem bicycle nor do I possess the requisite artistic finesse to participate in, let alone dominate, the competitive origami mouth game. Luckily, my pals at Guinness allow you to “suggest a new record title” for a non-refundable fee of $5.00.
Money well spent. Before we move on, I’d like to thank Bosch for providing me with the perfect retort the next time one of my nieces or nephews asks me to buy wrapping paper or a scented candle for their fundraiser du jour.
Day 3: Episodes 37-50: And All That Jazz!
There was only one small hiccup in my otherwise flawless plan: My application would take up to 12 weeks to process. Oh, I’m sorry, Guinness. Is my important work keeping you from high tea with the bee beard man? So it goes.
My mood heading into Day 3 was a combination of fatigue and despair. I wasn’t watching Bosch 24/7, but by my calculations I streamed Bosch for 27 of 48 hours during the first two days. My editors at Decider lightened my schedule, but I still had to work on a few articles during my history-making quest for binge-watching glory. It’s kinda like if Neil Armstrong was asked to write “When Will ‘I Dream of Jeannie’ Season 4 Be on Netflix?” on his way to becoming the first person to walk on the Moon, which is ludicrous. Netflix was only delivering DVDs by mail in 1969.
Despite the grueling number of hours, watching Bosch for money is a privilege not a burden. The superb long-term storytelling, outstanding acting, and little pockets of humor combine to create a compelling series with bravado to spare. As the East Coast’s number one Bosch fan (Iliza Shlesinger has earned the honor of LA’s top Bosch fan) and self-proclaimed “bad boy of Bosch content,” I’d like to share a few screenshots from my binge session.
My Favorite Part of Bosch Is Lance Reddick Saying “Bosch”
Lance Reddick is a treasure. Everyone knows he’s sensational on The Wire, but if you’ve never seen Comedy Central’s phenomenal series Corporate (now streaming on Paramount+!), Reddick will both razzle and dazzle you with his comedic whimsy. Bosch (the series) loves to have various characters say the name Bosch — as they should, it’s a fun name! — but it doesn’t get any better than Reddick’s silky baritone delivery, which is often said with a fun mix of rage, exhaustion, and aggravation.
Bosch Is Just A Fucking Cool Dude
There are so many little moments that perfectly illustrate Bosch’s inherent badassery. Referring to a hat a lid? You may as well start calling Bosch 7 Up because that’s just a cool spot. Using the term “grid square” to define your personal space? Bravo. But the most impressive example of Bosch being Bosch is the top left photo.
If I ever stood like that, a bus depot attendant would tell me to get my filthy sneaker off their wall and stop blocking their beautiful Santa Monica promotional art. A beach and a pier? Oh, Santa Monica. Stop spoiling us!
There’s Nothing Quite Like A Brooding Bosch
I love, love, love a good Bosch brood. Harry and/or Maddie Bosch overlooking the city and contemplating the existential wonder of life? Sign me up. Hand me a Fat Tire and shut the hell up as I pensively ponder each and every terrible decision I’ve ever made in my silly, silly life.
So Much Of Bosch Is People Talking About Bosch
And can you really blame them?
Day 4: Episodes 51-68: We’ve Reached The End Of The Road, Brother
On Friday, June 18 at 5:49 p.m. ET, I finished the series finale of Bosch. I’m not going to type out all the lyrics to the Boyz II Men classic “End of the Road,” but just know that I’ll be personally disappointed if you don’t celebrate the series by listening to this iconic song in full.
When Michael Phelps succeeded in his profession, he was rewarded with an Olympic gold medal and (probably) one of those “free Subway sandwiches for life” cards Adam Sandler talked about in Happy Gilmore. All I have are memories. Or do I?
If Bosch has taught me anything it’s that A) every single person you ever talk to is most likely a lousy, stinkin’ liar, and B) being honest and direct is how you succeed as a detective and in life. Guinness World Records also offers a “priority application” option for new records that delivers results in only five working days. The bad news is that it costs $1,000. You might think that paying a cool grand for a chance to attempt a world record is the textbook definition of hogwash, but according to the Guinness website… it’s not. The honor of providing Guinness with $1,000 is in fact a “worthwhile investment to get your application reviewed ahead of the rest.” Good to know.
Expensing the $1,000 was probably a non-starter — a valuable lesson I learned after purchasing a D.B. Sweeney Cameo for a very important 2019 article I wrote about The Cutting Edge — so I thought to myself What would Bosch do? The answer? He’d get off his ass and go knock on some doors. And that’s exactly what I did (figuratively).
Even if Guinness World Records doesn’t officially recognize me as the fastest Bosch binger in all the land, I’ll take comfort in finally embracing the man, the myth, the legend: Bosch.
From one Bosch fan to another, enjoy Season 7.
The seventh and final season of Bosch premieres Friday, June 25 on Amazon.
