Stream It Or Skip It: ‘A Classic Horror Story’ on Netflix, a Self-Aware Horror Flick Aiming to Skewer Cult Movies About Cults

So someone had the gall to name their movie A Classic Horror Story (now on Netflix). That would be Roberto De Feo and Paolo Strippoli, who direct and co-write this story about a group of mismatched people stumbling across a series of meta-horror movie references. It strikes me as an opportunity for the filmmakers to indulge cliches in order to upend them; now let’s see if they’re successful.

A CLASSIC HORROR STORY: STREAM IT OR SKIP IT?

The Gist: Taxidermy! First shot, and we’ve got a cliche dating back 60 years to Psycho. And it’s of a glassy-eyed deer head, with antlers, and we all know that when modern horror movies want to set an eerie scene, they show us scads of antlers, and possibly some twigs. We get a long shot of a bloodied woman, strapped to a table and in the midst of being tortured, and some hooded menace carrying a big hammer. CUT TO — a puking woman. And we know that every woman who’s puked in a movie is automatically preggers, and lo, Elisa (Matilda Anna Ingrid Lutz) is preggers, on her way to see her mother and get an abortion.

Elisa hails a rideshare in an RV driven by Fabrizio (Francesco Russo), a sweaty doof who’s making videos of the trip for his travel blog. This requires brief intros of the passengers: Elisa, a softspoken student; Sofia (Yuliia Sobol), a generic young blond woman, and her overbearing and gregarious English boyfriend Mark (Will Merrick); and Riccardo (Peppino Mazzotta), a 40-something doctor. The ride is uneventful and all the characters arrive at their respective destinations safely and everyone lives happily ever after, roll credits. No! The RV swerves to avoid a dead goat in the road and hits a tree, and when everyone comes to, the vehicle isn’t by the side of the road, but rather, in a field in a woodsy clearing near a creepy wooden house where there’s no cell service and a path leading to a spot in the forest outfitted with all the latest stylish configurations of antlers, twig-totems, skulls and freshly butchered pig heads, fresh from the pages of Occult Decor magazine.

Mark busted his leg, which seems like something I need to mention, but I’m not sure it matters? Maybe it does, because what does one do when one finds oneself in a horror movie with a creepy wooden house? Walk… very… slowly… through… it… of course! They find some disturbing old photos of people wearing animal skulls on their faces, a room full of lit candles, a door that slams by itself, an attic that David Lynch would find quaint and a little girl with her tongue cut out inside a small prison made of straw. Fabrizio notices some paraphernalia referencing the Garduna, a secret society led by three creepy men named Osso, Mastrosso and Carcagnosso, who demand the removal of the tongue, ears and eyes of their sacrificial victims, with the taxidermy bearing witness to it all!

What Movies Will It Remind You Of?: Another Italian horror movie on Netflix, 2020’s The Binding, was basically Evil Twigs: The Movie, but it wasn’t smart enough to be ABOUT ITSELF! A Classic Horror Story wholesale steals scenes from Midsommar, but because it’s ABOUT ITSELF!, that’s perfectly fine. It’s also similar to The Cabin in the Woods, which was ABOUT ITSELF! in much better, funnier ways.

Performance Worth Watching: You, because you are very much aware that you’re watching a movie while watching a movie that’s ABOUT ITSELF!

Memorable Dialogue: Fabrizio sums up the movie: “We hit a tree a few meters from the road. Then we wake up in front of Sam Raimi’s house.”

Sex and Skin: None. TBFOAOMACTF: Too Busy Freaking Out About Osso, Mastrosso And Carcagnosso To F—.

Our Take: Weird, how A Classic Horror Story maintains the dead-serious tone of arthouse horror even as it devolves into a sloppy smattering of non-comedic meta-whatever that sometimes feels like Once Upon a Time in Hälsingland, or like a chainsaw massacre could break out at any moment, possibly chopping the tripod legs right out from under a camera.

The cliche-indulgence absolutely occurs: the creepy-cult bullshit with the see-no, hear-no and speak-no guys; principal characters who participate in equal parts squabbling and late-night confessions; the TOCK of a woodblock breaking up BRHMMMM drones on the score; the obligatory endangered and/or creepy child character; etc. I’m not sure about the upending, though — De Feo and Strippoli’s attempt to point out the wearisome tropes of their particular craft is unconvincing and unfocused, a wild strafing with few bullets hitting their targets. The film shows flashes of brilliance in its shot composition and practical effects, but its characters are lifeless, working their way through a plot that’s like an M. Night Shyamalan movie twisting around its own neck until it chokes to death. And its final scene — oof. Just oof.

Our Call: SKIP IT. A Classic Horror Story aims a butcher knife at its genre, but plunges it into itself.

John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Read more of his work at johnserbaatlarge.com or follow him on Twitter: @johnserba.

Stream A Classic Horror Story on Netflix