Stream It Or Skip It: ‘Transformers: War for Cybertron: Kingdom’ on Netflix, the Final Salvo in a Dense and Possibly Unintentionally Funny Anime Trilogy

Transformers: War for Cybertron: Kingdom is the third and final volley of episodes in the Netflix anime series, and promises to tie the many complicated strands of the story into a nice tidy bow. Forgive and/or thank me for using reductionism in the summaries that follow: In the dozen preceding episodes — two sets of six, subtitled Siege and Earthrise — the virtuous Autobots and the evil Decepticons pounded the nuts and bolts out of each other in a quest for the Allspark, an ancient mystical box containing the mighty energies used to create Transformer life, which might confirm that Transformers don’t have sex? I dunno. As it turns out, the Allspark is somewhere on Earth millions of years in the past, which sets up the promised crossover with Beast Wars characters, because what this series really needs is about a dozen more characters. We jump in as two starships plummet toward the planet…

TRANSFORMERS: WAR FOR CYBERTRON: KINGDOM: STREAM IT OR SKIP IT?

Opening Shot: The Decepticons’ damaged space cruiser, the Nemesis, slashes through Earth’s bumpy atmosphere.

The Gist: “We’re going down!” bellows Decepticon dear leader Megatron (voice of Jason Marnocha), who continues to establish himself as a stater of the obvious. Same goes for the Autobots, led by Optimus Prime (Jake Foushee), who says, “We have survived our crash,” something he couldn’t have said if they hadn’t survived their crash, so thankfully they survived their crash so they could live to make painfully self-evident declarative statements. Now, to find the Allspark, which is easier said than done, one assumes.

Just as the Autobots are getting their shizz together, they’re attacked by a leopard and a rhino and a white tiger and a gorilla. But they’re NOT just a leopard and a rhino and a white tiger and a gorilla, but rather, they’re Maximals, good-guy Transformers — MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE, indeed! — who time-traveled from a horrible future in which nobody ever found the Allspark. Three guesses as to what the Maximals are here to do. No, not hang with the dinosaurs, or go camping in the prehistoric jungle. Right. They’re here to find the Allspark. They’re not fast pals with “our” Transformers, though — there’s some arguing between Optimus Prime and the gorilla-bot Optimus Primal (Justing Luther) about this and that, but it’s only a matter of time until they square up, because they have a vitally important job to do: find the All- well, you know.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the wreckage of a ship that crashed on Earth, the Decepticons squabble amongst themselves, and Megatron dons the Matrix of Leadership — which is definitely a thingy of some sort — to his chest like a Mexican bandolero. He steps foot outside the ship and is greeted by a purple T-rex, who’s more than just a purple T-rex — it’s a purple T-rex who happens to also be Megatron’s ancestor, who we’ll just call Purple T-Rex Megatron (Marqus Bobesich), the leader of the Predacons, who, like the Maximals, are from the future and also hope to (everyone say it with me) find the Allspark. The neat thing about Purple T-Rex Megatron (PTRM) is, when he transforms into a robot, his right arm is a T-rex head that apparently still has some level of consciousness, because his left arm strokes the head like it’s a cat chilling on the armrest, and it clearly extracts pleasure from it. PTRM shows regular Megatron a gold disk containing regular Megatron’s diaries, with all his strategies, secrets, battles and, presumably, secret poems and the explicit documentation of his many sexytimes on it. This is important for some reason to be revealed later, I bet.

A couple other things happen here. There’s a scene out in space somewhere with Galvatron bumping into the giant planet Transformer, Unicron, who is unfortunately not voiced by Orson Welles. On Earth, the eagle Maximal Airazor (Erin Ebers) is caught spying on the Decepticons by Laserbeak, and brought back to the two Megatrons. And Decepticon schemer Starscream (Frank Todaro), whose voice still sounds like a fork being scraped across a rusty hubcap, allies with lady spider Predacon Blackarachnia (Jeanne Carr), establishing what I assume will be the series’ steamiest romantic subplot. To be continued!

What Shows Will It Remind You Of? Which neo-reboot of a 1980s toy line whose cartoons where commercials for the toys is better, Transformers: Too Many Colons in the Titles: Subtitle, or Masters of the Universe: Revelation? Please don’t tag me in your tweets addressing this debate.

Our Take: At this point in the trilogy, Title Colon Subtitle Another Colon Another Subtitle (couldn’t they use a dash instead of the second colon, like the Star Wars prequels did?) takes a lot of time establishing a new set of characters, and there’s a heap of blah blah yakkity yak exposition among them that would be more interesting if it wasn’t delivered with the stiff, awkward diction that seems to be a trademark of this particular Transformers series. Sure, the old ’80s TV cartoons were corny, but the voice acting was far livelier, and not delivered with so many clunky, unnatural pauses.

So this episode isn’t quite as action-packed as one would hope, and one would also hope the pace picks up in future episodes. Diehards will appreciate the crossover with Beast Wars, which is a fan favorite among the many series in the franchise; they’ll also relish the opportunity to parse all the intricate lore that render War for Cybertron such a dense narrative, sometimes at the expense of its pacing. And this is where I note how WEIRD all this is to someone like myself, an occasional dabbler in the Transformers franchise who carries a firm appreciation for it in his nostalgia baggage — the stroking of the dino head, the awkward and almost stammering dialogue, the bevy of goofball proper nouns and the poker-faced intensity of it all. Is it supposed to take itself so seriously that it’s unintentionally funny? Probably not, but it’s amusing nonetheless.

Sex and Skin: No clankity-clank in the series yet, but one wonders if Transformers are anatomically correct, or what. (Don’t tag me in your tweets addressing this one, either.)

Parting Shot: A closeup on regular Megatron as a snively smile spreads across his supple, beestung lips. (He has SUCH succulent lips.) (Why do Transformers need lips? NO TAGGING ME THANK YOU.)

Sleeper Star: Is it me, or did the camera ogle Blackarachnia with a Michael Bayesque flourish? She has the makings of a true scene-stealer.

Most Pilot-y Line: “Au contraire,” Blackarachnia says to Starscream, apparently inventing French right there on the spot

Our Call: STREAM IT. Of course, those who binged the first dozen chunks of this series are all-in for the big finale, and it better be finding the goddamn Allspark, or there may be hell to pay. In for a penny, etc.

John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Read more of his work at johnserbaatlarge.com or follow him on Twitter: @johnserba.

Stream Transformers: War for Cybertron: Kingdom on Netflix