Stream It Or Skip It: ‘PAW Patrol: The Movie’ on Paramount+, in Which a Kiddie-TV Franchise Want to Sell More Toys (and Explore Political Allegory)

This week in OK, Fine, Whatever, we have PAW Patrol: The Movie, a new feature-length toy commercial based on the megahit Nickelodeon toy commercial series, fresh on Paramount+ and in theaters. Quick inventory: The concept of PAW Patrol — stylized from Paw Patrol for no discernible reason, but one must Respect The Brand or pay dire consequences — finds a young boy of mysterious origin leading six heroic puppies as they rush to rescue the residents of Adventure Bay from misc. semi-serious incidents, while a theme song consisting of the phrase GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! shouted thousands of times jailbreaks all the crazy from your brain. The film moves the PAW Patrol from its smalltown home to Adventure City, a megatropolis that suddenly finds itself saddled with a selfish and unqualified leader who carries blatant prejudices against certain portions of the population and has constructed his own ego-tower skyscraper — a character who resembles no person living or dead, right, ha ha ha? Wait, has PAW Patrol gotten, gulp, political? Oh NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

PAW PATROL: THE MOVIE: STREAM IT OR SKIP IT?

The Gist: Star-crossed kismet puts a baby turtle in the middle of the road just as the driver (voiced by Tyler Perry!) of a double-long tanker truck spills blue slushie all over his groin. The tractor-trailer dangles off a bridge but, as ever, the PAW Patrol comes to the rescue: You’ve got cop pup Chase (Iain Armitage), firefighter pup Marshall (Kingsley Marshall), pilot pup/token female Skye (Lilly Bartlam), construction pup Rubble (Keegan Hedley), municipal-waste pup Rocky (Callum Shoniker) and, uh, Coast Guard pup Zuma (Shayle Simons). They’re led by Ryder (Will Brisbin), an apparently parentless tween who adopted the dogs, turned them into heroes, gave them snazzy rescue vehicles and taught them to repeat catchphrases consisting of simple rhymes that make for easily marketable T-shirts. He pays them exclusively in dog biscuits; there’s no mention of vacation pay, insurance benefits of parental leave, the latter possibly because the animals have all been sterilized, although we can’t be certain.

Meanwhile, Adventure City faces a major crisis. Mayor Humdinger (Ron Pardo) cheated his way to victory in the mayoral election and plans to force his his anti-dog agenda upon the population, and generally rule the place with an incompetent fist. “He’s more of a cat person,” is how Humdinger’s toadies — including security guards voiced by Dax Shepard and Randall Park — defend him, and I, for one, am fed up with the negative portrayal of felines in popular culture. WHO WANTS TO HELP ME FORM A PRO-CAT LOBBY. Anyway. Ryder and the pooches gear up for the trip to the city, but Chase is freaking out. He was abandoned there as a baby and nurses deep-seated fears that Ryder, who you’ll note is certainly not a licensed psychotherapist, assuages with flimsy uplifting platitudes. They GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! into the city and roll into their new metro headquarters, which looks like three-quarters of a bill. Skye asks how they can afford the place and Ryder replies, “officially licensed PAW Patrol merchandise!” Jokes!

One assumes the pups are about to pull a Stacey Abrams and enact a voter-registration campaign, but they’re soon besieged by a trio of Humdinger’s idiotic displays of hubris, which inevitably wreak havoc upon the city: An out-of-control fireworks display; a ludicrous and dangerous loop-de-loop subway track; and a cloud-eating machine that he wants to use to make every day sunny, but malfunctions and ends up unleashing a storm that threatens to topple Humdinger Tower. A local long-haired dachshund and PAW Patrol fangirl named Liberty (Marsai Martin) jumps in to help the pups and declares herself an honorary member of the team, but frankly, I’m not sure she’ll ever fit in because, as that one insurance commercial reminds us, nothing rhymes with “liberty” except “liberty.” The PAWpers zoom into action with some shiny new vehicles that are about 13 bucks at Wal Mart; Chase deals with his performance anxiety; we sit on the edge of our seats wondering if Humdinger will ever face charges for his flagrant crimes or if we’ll have to suffer through four years of terror and anxiety to vote him out.

What Movies Will It Remind You Of?: The weather-eating machine resembles something out of Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs; the obedience school-turned-dog pound looks a lot like the daycare in Toy Story 3; Humdinger’s grotesque antics ape the events in America: 2016-2020 with alarming metaphorical accuracy.

Performance Worth Watching: I dunno. Keep your ears peeled for guest voice cameos by Jimmy Kimmel and Kim Kardashian West, I guess.

Memorable Dialogue: “I’m an unqualified elected official. What’s the worst that could happen?” — Humdinger summons Western civilization’s doom

Sex and Skin: There is no OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! in this movie.

Our Take: There’s a scene in which Ryder is mobbed and licked all over by the pups, then asked how he feels. “Covered in drool!” is his pragmatic response, which accurately reflects how anyone outside the three-to-eight-year-old demographic will feel after watching PP: TM. Funny how there are three primary conflicts/rescues in this plot, as if the screenwriters are used to writing half-hour TV episodes or something. To be fair, the film renders the hegemonic-incompetence and Chase’s-inner-struggle subplots as overarching connective tissue, bringing together the three segments into a semi-cohesive narrative whole, which is something the intended preschooler audience is no doubt very concerned about.

One can tut-tut at the commercial exploitation of IP that is the core intent of the PAW Patrol franchise and say it isn’t up to par with the big-idea art of Pixar, as one eats a specific brand of foodstuff with Buzz Lightyear adorning the box. Or one can accept such things as an unavoidable reality of the past four-plus decades of toy companies developing animated marketing devices for the TV networks and movie studios operating beneath a massive corporate umbrella, and hope children are more entertained than corrupted by such products. We Gen-Xers were subject to similar things (see: He-Man, Strawberry Shortcake, G.I. Joe, Smurfs, Snorks, Monchhichi, etc.), and so go our offspring.

As an adult, I laughed at PP: TM sporadically, once earnestly at a gag in which the naive pups slam headlong into big-city traffic, and several times nervously when the bush-league mayor disregards the advice of scientists and bullishly pursues his agenda. Otherwise, the movie achieves its intent to be a diversion with some light lessons about inclusion and teamwork, and whether you see it as cartoon dogs doing their duty or doing their doody depends on how much cynicism shades your point-of-view.

Our Call: STREAM IT, in spite of the obvious anti-cat propaganda and deeply unsettling political allegory, because children dig puppies and their parents need a break. Meanwhile, I’ll reserve my enthusiasm for the inevitable release of Peppa Pig: The Movie.

John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Read more of his work at johnserbaatlarge.com or follow him on Twitter: @johnserba.

Stream PAW Patrol: The Movie on Paramount+