Stream It Or Skip It: ‘The Five Juanas’ on Netflix, a Trashy Mexican Telenovela That May Tickle Your Guilty Pleasure Zones

Go ahead, try not to roll your eyes at the concept of Mexican Netflix telenovela The Five Juanas: Fate puts five women named Juana in Cancun at the same time, where they realize they all have the same birthmark on their butts. WACKY. This 18-episode quest for paternity — titled La Venganza de las Juanas in Spanish, which translates to the far-more-tantalizing Revenge of the Juanas — boasts more than its share of ridiculous situations just in the opening episode, which is soapy, and, well, I can’t resist calling it “cheeky,” with apologies, although I’ll stop short of saying it’s “tongue-in-cheeky,” because I’m above such crass innuendo. It’s sexy and silly in equal measure, so maybe it’ll be some guilty trashy fun.

THE FIVE JUANAS: STREAM IT OR SKIP IT?

Opening Shot: An overhead shot of Simon Marroquin (Carlos Ponce) lying on a red couch, speaking in voiceover about dark secrets.

The Gist: That shot of Simon? It was intercut with glimpses of hyperstylized sex scenes drenched in blue light. Then we jump to Cancun, where we cycle through introductions to the Juanas via the following wunzas: Wunza stripper, Juana Manuela (Zuria Vega), the high-end type who doesn’t do gigs that put anything less than a stack of C-notes in her hands. Wunza singer, Juana Matilde (Juanita Arias), stopped from returning to Colombia by federal authorities. Wunza psychic, Juana Bautista (Sofia Engberg), stuck reading tarot cards at a crappy bachelorette party. Wunza nun, Juana Caridad (Oka Giner), trapped in a dingy apartment while the cops raid a nearby drug HQ. And wunza journalist, Juana Valentina (Renata Notni), who we meet spreading her mother’s ashes on the Cancun beach.

Fate, played by the show’s writer-deities, is a significant character here, because he/she/it/they makes sure several things happen, most notably the following: Each introductory sequence contrives to show each Juana’s bare/mostly bare ass in close-up so we get a good eyeful of birthmark and cheek. All Juanas end up at the same hotel at the same time. An earthquake that prompts evacuation of the entire building and puts all the Juanas out on the party patio. Another series of contrivances allowing us to see a series of bare buttcheeks in close-up, so the Juanas can realize that something fishy is going on with their lives, and not just because the birthmark is shaped like a fish.

Meanwhile, we also get a shot of a TV-news interview with Simon Marroquin, who happens to be some kind of Important Politician. It doesn’t take a mathematician to put two and two together with this plot, but who knows, telenovelas sure do like their ludicrous twists.

What Shows Will It Remind You Of? Not being an expert on telenovelas, I burned one of my free article views on Oprah Daily so I could learn that La Reina del Sur and Sin Senos Si Hay Paraiso are popular ones. Notably, The Five Juanas is a reboot of Colombian series Las Juanas, which aired in the late 1990s, as well as a Mexican version of the same title, from 2004; neither had the birthmark plot device, however.

Our Take: Well, nobody’s asking us to take this shit seriously. Anyone with basic brain function can deduce how the sisterly dynamic is gonna work here: The archetypal madonna/whore moral contrast in the nun and the stripper, the logical journalist will clash with the psychic’s supernatural intuition, and the singer will try to keep them all united for the same cause, finding their father, who almost certainly is a cad and a corrupt public figure. After one episode, it sure seems like the basic plot is the equivalent of a 10-piece toddler puzzle — although with plenty more to go, one has to hope the details and complications offer some twists and surprises.

The Five Juanas pulls out all manner of corny telenovela storytelling techniques, ranging from hazy flashbacks to characters speaking their innermost thoughts in voiceover, although the production values are on par with a decent-budget cable drama. So at least it doesn’t look cheap, although it makes no bones about being a frequently trashy display of nudey beef-and-cheesecake. The show has yet to inspire any big laughs — maybe a smirky shake-of-the-head or two — but then again, I was drinking coffee and not something 100-proof straight out of the bottle.

Sex and Skin: Plenty of T&A, including some male A, all of it indubitably wholly necessary and not at all gratuitous.

Parting Shot: All five Juanas gather in the same shot for the first time ever. MONUMENTAL.

Sleeper Star: All five Juanas get pretty much equal time. The stripper Juana is featured in promo images pointing a pistol, because that’s what confident strippers end up doing in telenovelas about five women who discover that they all have the same butt birthmark. So my money’s on the nun Juana doing something that’s very un-nunlike before the season wraps, so we can all pretend to be shocked by it.

Most Pilot-y Line: Stripper Juana: “Hey! Anyone else named Juana? With a f—ing fish-shaped birthmark on their butt?”

Our Call: STREAM IT. If this type of contrived and tawdry escapism is your brand, then by all means, indulge your guilty-pleasure desires. Otherwise, your mileage may vary.

John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Read more of his work at johnserbaatlarge.com or follow him on Twitter: @johnserba.

Stream The Five Juanas on Netflix