Stream It Or Skip It: ‘Benedetta’ on Hulu, Paul Verhoevens’ Salacious, Sacreligious Naughty-Nun Drama

Now on Hulu after hitting theaters in the fall of 2021, Benedetta is Paul Verhoeven’s sacrilicious naughty-nun BOATS movie (Based On A True Story) of a real-life sister who was touched by God in a non-literal sense, and also touched one of her fellow vestals in a much more literal sense. (Hey, at least the latter was consensual.) Benedetta Carlini was a mystic who saw visions of Christ and suffered stigmata wounds, and also was a lesbian, a fate-combo that was, shall we say, less than ideal for a person existing in the 17th century. You likely know Verhoeven has quite the salacious streak – see: Showgirls, Basic Instinct, Flesh+Blood and his most vital work in decades, 2016’s Elle. Cursory research on Benedetta turns up words like “sapphism” and “frottage,” so such subject matter might be fish in a barrel for a nut like Verhoeven.

BENEDETTA: STREAM IT OR SKIP IT?

The Gist: Even as a child, Benedetta was divine AF. On her way to be dropped off forever at the abbey, she manages to talk a cadre of scoundrels from robbing her family, and even inspires a nearby bird to take a mighty messy crap on one of the thieves’ faces – stuff that not just anyone can do, so she’s OBVIOUSLY destined for Catholic greatness. Upon reaching the convent in Pescia, Abbess Felicita (Charlotte Rampling) basically says, “Hey buddy, no one rides for free,” and shakes 100 gold coins out of Benedetta’s father, bargaining him up from 50. Not a particularly godly woman is the Abbess, eh? Not as godly as Benedetta, that’s for sure. On her first night in the lovely freezing cold colorless stone walls of the abbey, Benedetta kneels to pray at the statue of the Virgin Mary, and it falls on top of her, and she instinctively suckles its wooden breast. Hello!

Eighteen years pass. Smack in the middle of playing the Blessed Virgin in a crazy-ass theatrical production put on by the convent, Benedetta has her first vision of Jesus as a bearded slab of beefcake with a sword. One fateful day, the abbey takes in Bartolomea (Daphne Patakia), a young woman seeking escape from sexual enslavement by her father and brothers. Benedetta and Bartolomea share a tender moment and thoughtful conversation in the convent’s community outhouse as Bartolomea makes deeply satisfying poopy-fart noises, and that scene actually exists in the movie, I swear, I wouldn’t make that shit up.

Turns out Bartolomea is quite the pistol, and Benedetta doesn’t take kindly to her at first. But once Benedetta starts having more intense visions – especially tasty is the one where fangy, venomous snakes slither up her dress and Jesus slashes them with his weapon – and sprouts stigmata wounds, she falls gravely ill, prompting Abbess Felicita to assign Bartolomea as her eventually naughty nurse. They become pals: Benedetta teaches Bartolomea to read and write, and Bartolomea teaches Benedetta all about the big O. Benedetta’s apparent insanity and suffering means she’s holier than all the other nuns, and so Felicita is ousted and Benedetta is named abbess by the corrupt dumbass males – including Lambert Wilson in full sniveling-shitbird mode as a skeevy bishop – who are in charge of the Catholic church. The promotion means Benedetta now shares private quarters with her “assistant” Bartolomea, and I know this is set in Italy, but I’m going to say it anyway: There’s a place in France where the nuns wear no pants, and there’s a hole in the wall where the bitter former abbess can see it all.

What Movies Will It Remind You Of?: Benedetta is The Last Temptation of Christ crossed with Monty Python’s Life of Brian crossed with softcore porn.

Performance Worth Watching: Patakia gives Bartolomea a wide-eyed expression of divine mischief that brings to mind Bart Simpson when he can’t resist chucking a giant tomato at Principal Skinner’s ass. In her eyes, to blaspheme is to live deliciously.

Memorable Dialogue: “I know you’ve brought a new bride for Jesus.” – Abbess Felicita makes a benign statement that she doesn’t realized is loaded like a diaper with a bomb in it

Sex and Skin: Tons of female nudity and a few scenes of, uh, sapphic frottage.

Our Take: Jesus beheading bad guys, a dildo carved from a mini-Mary statue, the depiction of Catholic leaders as venal hypocrites – Verhoeven spins the Big Wheel o’ Blasphemy in a transparent attempt to provoke and offend. Are we laughing, or clutching our pearls yet? His intent is pretty clear. Yet his characterization of Benedetta appears to be intentionally vague: Is she hallucinating these visions? Is she a fraud who cuts her palms with pottery shards? What’s in her heart, exactly? She’s as frustrating as she is fascinating, and that seems to be part and parcel with Verhoeven’s calculations here.

Tonally, the director cuts the poker-faced drama with camp, stopping just shy of sneering contempt – like a total tease, maybe. Yet the sex scenes he stages don’t tease at all; anyone familiar with Verhoeven’s work won’t be surprised to learn that they’re prurient and graphic, and you can’t help but wonder if he’s indulging exploitative impulses or stumping for his characters’ feminist liberty. (I believe he’s trying to do both.) The latter point arises with a third-act development in which vindictive religious leaders bent on persecuting Benedetta bring a deathly plague to Pescia. Their hypocrisy is just as sickening as their viral loads, which is Verhoeven wielding his film as a satirical lash.

Our Call: STREAM IT. Impiety, thy name is Benedetta. It’s not Verhoeven’s best, but it fits perfectly in a canon of films bent on challenging his audiences – and as usual, his work isn’t for everyone. Not recommending it just feels heretical.

John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Read more of his work at johnserbaatlarge.com.

Where to stream Benedetta