‘The Office’ Rewatch Podcast Unpacks Dwight and Angela’s Child Contract

The Office is known for its unconventional workplace romances, but only one of those romances involved a “Child Contract.”
Remember in the Season 6 episode, “The Chump,” when Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson) and Angela Martin (Angela Kinsey) have a mediator review their contractual agreement about sex, pregnancy, childbearing, and child raising? Kinsey and her pal Jenna Fischer sure do. And on the August 3 episode of Office Ladies, Stitcher’s The Office rewatch podcast, the former costars chatted all about said contract, which you can read in full online.
Yes, that’s right! “The Chump” aired in May 2010, which means NBC no longer has Angela and Dwight’s five-page Child Contract up on their site, but thanks to the trusty Internet Archive you can still access it in all it’s unhinged, redacted glory.
In “The Chump,” Angela and Dwight have the contract reviewed by a legal expert because Dwight wants to pull out of the agreement. The mediator determines that the contract is essentially ironclad, and if Dwight wants to back out he’ll owe Angela $30,000 in damages. Instead of the money, Angela proposes a counter deal: Intercourse to completion five individual times rendered at her discretion. Ah, Dwangela’s love.
Dwight agrees, and the two embrace their new deal. But if you want to know more about that Child Contract, you’re in luck.

“I’m going to read you just a few things that were on this very long and detailed contract,” Kinsey said. “‘Number one: If the child is breached, he must be turned around in the womb via mind power.’ I’m guessing Dwight wrote that one. ‘Number two: Should the child have mutant powers, parties agree to send the child to a school that aids the child in harnessing his talents for good.’ I think Dwight also wrote that one. Number three: See if you can guess who wrote this one. ‘Child shall not have a puppy, dog, nor any toys shaped like puppies or dogs. Cats should be treated with high regard and all other animals regarded only for their usefulness and meat.'”

“I think that’s a combo Angela and Dwight contribution,” Kinsey said. “It is so funny to me how detailed this contract is. You know our writers had a lot of fun with it. And it’s still archived on the internet.”

The contract — which continues until the child is 14 years old — tackles topics including delivery and birth, prenatal provisions, nutrition, physical attributes, pets, clothing, and more. It establishes join custody between Dwight and Angela, and even includes their signatures at the end. Fans of the show should absolutely read every single line of the document (using the “Next” and “Previous” sticky notes at the bottom to navigate it), but here are some standout conditions:

• Prior to conception Mother will participate in a beet juice fertility cleanse, in a manner to be decided upon by the parties.
• Should the Child be born a devil’s son, a separate agreement shall be made.
• Should the Child look French, a separate agreement shall be made.
• The Child will be male.
• Meat will be introduced into the diet at nine (9) months and will be included in every meal.
• In no event shall Roald Dahl or Dr. Seuss books be read to or by the child.
• The father will train the Child to sleep with his eyes open.

NBC, if you’re reading this, we’re begging you to drop the unredacted version.