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Johnny Depp
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“Hey, you know what? I needed the work.”
And with those eight short words — though some accountants might have the total at 7, as “hey” might have been more of an “eh”-type grunt — Johnny Depp’s comeback tour began at the 2022 MTV Video Music Awards.
Johnny Depp, of course, spent the last few months sitting opposite his ex-wife Amber Heard in a Virginia courthouse, as all the tawdry details of their disastrous marriage were spilled out during one of the more contentious (and most watched) court cases of this century so far. Depp “won” the trial, emerging victorious in his defamation case versus Heard, but he’s anything but a “winner” in the minds of most people. He may have been awarded a $10MM decision, but his image suffered incredible damage, and his appearance tonight marks his first public appearance in the United States on what can only be described as his image rehabilitation tour. And it was … very weird?!?
After an opening montage of performances by Jack Harlow, Fergie, and Lizzo, a tiny Moonman MoonPERSON began turning and tumbling across the screen. The MoonPERSON was tiny, computer-generated, distracting, and a non-value add. Then, in an extremely long shot, the MoonPERSON flipped up their protective visor, and whoa — it was Johnny Depp (as earlier reported). Or, more accurately, Johnny Depp’s extremely bloated face (ponytail pulled back, natch) super-imposed in a CGI MoonManPersonThing.
The whole thing lasted less than 11 seconds. Seriously. What you see above is it. A grunt, an egregiously lame joke, and a smug grin from a fallen matinee idol. Depp didn’t get a chyron, a mention from the hosts, or even a voiceover identification. Hope whatever you paid him was worth it, MTV execs!
UPDATE (9:19PM): More Depp was just unleashed on the unsuspecting Video Music Awards crowd. The floating MoonPERSON Depp’s monologue once again referenced his willingness to work after the last few years have drained tens of millions of dollars from his coiffures. “I just want you guys to know that I’m available for birthdays, bar mitzvahs, bat mitzvahs, weddings, wakes … any old thing you need,” Depp began. “Anything. You name it. So, uh, ‘ope! I’m also a dentist.”
