Stream It Or Skip It: ‘The Curse of Bridge Hollow’ on Netflix, Featuring ‘Stranger Things’ Star Priah Ferguson in a Family Halloween Mediocrity

Breakout Stranger Things star Priah Ferguson and Marlon Wayans headline family-friendly scary-season comedy The Curse of Bridge Hollow, now on Netflix. And here I struggle to find interesting contextual facts to share about it. Um, Rob Riggle and Lauren Lapkus have wacky supporting roles? Nia Vardalos shows up in a flashback as a witch with grody teeth? It’s deeply indebted to a Goosebumps plot? It’s directed by Jeff Wadlow, the same guy who did Kick-Ass 2? See, this is why I led with the Stranger Things bit, because that’s the hook: Who wants to see a scene-stealer from that series headline some kiddie junk? You, perhaps? Thankfully, we’re here to help you decide for sure.

THE CURSE OF BRIDGE HOLLOW: STREAM IT OR SKIP IT?

The Gist: The Gordon family ain’t into Halloween. Well, Howard (Wayans) ain’t, anyway, and he’s the dad in a big dumb broad family comedy, so he’s trying fruitlessly to set the tone for being a Halloween hater, despite his 14-year-old daughter Sydney’s (Ferguson) resistance. They just moved from Brooklyn to quaint little Bridge Hollow (which is like Stars Hollow, but with all the comedy removed), where the locals go ape-crap bananas with the Halloween celebrations. Everyone in their new neighborhood outfits their yards with at least five-eighths of the inventory of a Spirit Halloween location. Like, it’s outta hand, but only an elitist turd would pooh-pooh it. And here’s Howard, pooh-poohing it. Sydney has had enough of his I’m-a-science-guy-so-phooey-on-that-nonsense attitude, and she’s gonna get a costume and go to a Halloween party at school, and who can blame her? Her dad needs to loosen up and stop being a dink.

Besides, this new setting is about to conspire against him, real hard. About 12 seconds into her first day at school, Sydney hooks up with a local Scooby gang who tells her that her house isn’t just any house, it’s The Old Hawthorne House. Right: Ohhhh snap. And so Sydney goes up to the attic and finds a weird old mummyface lantern and lights it and doesn’t realize that by doing so it ignites a spirit that brings Halloween decorations to life so they may attack in the name of Stingy Jack, who’s Bridge Hollow’s old mascot or icon or legend-person or whatever. And apparently if all the decor-creatures converge upon the Stingy Jack statue in the town square during the annual celebration it brings Stingy Jack to life for what one assumes is a big Halloweepocalypse or something. I dunno, I kinda zoned out during all the exposition; there’s just so much of it. Anyway, when all this happens? I hate it. Do you hate it? You should.

And so rubber bats, yard zombies and plastic skeletons and spiders come to life and start with the biting and hitting and snarling. Sydney has to find a spell to reverse the curse, all the while listening to her dad insist that there must be a logical scientific explanation for this when we darn well know there isn’t. Meanwhile, Sydney’s mother Emily (Kelly Rowland) transitions from being a lawyer to being a maker of “artisanal vegan baked goods” and everything she makes is rock-hard and gross, leading to multiple scenes in which nice people take a taste and try to continue being nice as they masticate foods that taste like soil and have the textural consistency of petrified peat. I’m making this sound funnier than it is. That’s intentional. It’s called self-preservation, my friends.

What Movies Will It Remind You Of?: What’s that crapola with Tim Allen in it where the neighbors try to force him to put up Christmas decorations when he doesn’t want to? Christmas with the Kranks? The Curse of Bridge Hollow reminds me of that.

Performance Worth Watching: Lapkus once almost single-handedly elevated an Adam Sandler Netflix comedy from the lazy sludge that comprises nearly every Happy Madison production. She’s funny and talented, but this movie gives her nothing to do besides co-op a heavy Northeastern accent while playing the mayahh of Bridge Hollow.

Memorable Dialogue: Gordon: “Bridge Hollow smells of apples. And a hint of white privilege.”

Sex and Skin: None.

Our Take: One is tempted to Just Be Nice to mediocre entertainment for children. But one must resist, for The Curse of Bridge Hollow so actively doesn’t try to be anything more than mediocre entertainment for children. It’s cliche-ridden and dopey. When it’s not being frantic and manic, it’s being dull and pedantic. The effects are cheezy. The comedy is all threadbare jokes and flailing slapstick. It’s a classic case of 85 minutes that feels like 850. It makes a drag feel like a slog, and I don’t make such a comparison lightly.

The plot features a running thing in which the Wayans character is afraid of skeletons; it coalesces with Wayans grabbing a chainsaw and chopping through a bunch of them to the tune of “Highway to Hell,” and Wadlow directs the sequence like it’s Raimi for Babies. Beyond that, it’s rough sledding: The screenplay requires Wayans to swat at a murderous clown and recite the words “Homie don’t play that,” and if you get the reference, hooray, I say, HOORAY for YOU. For the youngsters, well, they get this one-liner: “This is SO going on TikTok.” There’s nothing but the groans of the undead Netflix viewers here. The Curse of Bridge Hollow makes Hocus Pocus look like Suspiria.

Our Call: SKIP IT. Check that – The Curse of Bridge Hollow makes Hocus Pocus 2 look like Luca Guadagnino’s Suspiria.

John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Read more of his work at johnserbaatlarge.com.