Stream It Or Skip It: ‘Barbarians II’ on Netflix, the Return of the German Historical Battle-Epic Series

German series Barbarians (Netflix) fights and fornicates its way to a second season of lusty and violent historical deliciousness. It’s been two years since the debut season, so thankfully, the first of the new batch opens with a recap: The haircuts (the Romans) were beaten off by the non-haircutted (the Germans), in a big climactic battle-finale, and it was all based on the Roman Empire’s real-life occupation of ancient Germania. Arminius leads the Germans, although he once was on the other side of the battlefield. Also, his wife just gave birth. To another man’s child. But he doesn’t know that. Is there anything else you really need to know? Nah. Just plow on ahead and appreciate the pillaging and plowing.

BARBARIANS II: STREAM IT OR SKIP IT?

Opening Shot: A long drone shot hovering above a Germanic forest, with a lengthy series of subtitles I’ll summarize succinctly: It’s 10 A.D., it’s been a year since the Germans (Germanians? Germanicans? Germanites?) defeated the Romans at the end of season one, and the Germanic tribes are at last united, but the Romans have not given up hope of conquest.

The Gist: (Dramatic In A World voice): An uneasy peace has settled over Germania, but one gets the sense that it will not last. A Roman troop trudges and clops, trudge trudge clop clop, through the forest. They come upon an unconscious woman in the middle of the road. Check that – an unconscious, sexy woman. I think Admiral Ackbar would have something to say about this scenario, and he’d be absolutely right: Ambush time, baby! The Germans jump out of the trees and bushes and blammo, two minutes in and we’ve got some rather violent violence. The Romans get their butts kicked, but it’s no comfort – it’s clear that these men were scouts, and there are many, many more where that came from. Remember what I said about peace that will not last? This is the evidence.

The leader of the group is Arminius (Lawrence Rupp), or Ari if you’re his wife, the sexy woman who was pretending to be unconscious, Thusnelda (Jeanne Goursaud). We cut between their tribe, the Cherusci, in their wolf pelts and humble thatched huts in a humble village, and the Romans, in their red capes and rectangular tents in a big rectangle hacked into an expanse of forest. The Romans strategize, and even though they got their asses whupped, they still think the Germans are “barbarians.”

Meanwhile, the Germans also strategize. Mostly Ari, who leads the Cherusci. He’s convinced the red capes are coming, the red capes are coming, so he’s trying to rouse the tribal armies. Problem is, that’s only 8,000 men, and the Romans have 20,000. But if he can convince the isolationist Marcomanni tribe and its 70,000 soldiers to join them – well, who wouldn’t like those numbers? But this means convincing their leader, Marbod (Murathan Muslu), that war is a worthy endeavor. In a nutshell: Ari wants to proactively attack. Marbod would rather try to maintain the current peace. Meanwhile, Marbod’s wife looks down upon Thusnelda for being a woman of power who only lives in a hut and, I dunno, wears the 10 A.D. equivalent of off-the-rack Target clothes.

In the Roman camp, Ari’s brother Flavus (Daniel Donskoy) maintains his loyalty to the empire. He desires an opportunity to capture Ari, and the future caesar says hey, go for it, but you’re on your own. Meanwhile, in Germania, there’s a lot of buzz about the upcoming folkmoot. Everyone will be at the folkmoot. Everything will be decided at the folkmoot. The folkmoot the folkmoot the folkmoot. What the hell is a folkmoot, you ask? It’s a big bonfire where all the tribes gather to drink and listen to the witch doctor’s (Sophie Rois) ravings and let their leaders squabble about whether they should fight or not. Ari takes the stage and says hey, let me be your king, but Marbod takes the stage and says no way, that guy will just get your sons’ extremities chopped off in war. So much for allying with Marbod, eh – and then Flavus shows up, with pretty impeccable timing, and it sure as heck ain’t a coincidence.

What Shows Will It Remind You Of? The theme song is like half a bar of the Game of Thrones theme. Otherwise, Barbarians is right in line with stuff like Spartacus and The Last Kingdom.

Our Take: Barbarians continues to look terrific and kind of expensive: Excellent costumes and set design, no blatantly crappy CGI, lots of highly authentic mud on faces and hems of gowns and under fingernails. There’s a serious eye for detail here that helps the simple, somewhat soapy melodrama go down.

But it’s hard to get too excited for the second season with an episode that consists of one measly skirmish, one measly sex scene and a whole lot of talking. It’s forgoing its base bread-and-butter for blah blah blah. There’s a bit of simmering tension deep beneath the Ari-Thusnelda relationship that’ll almost certainly boil soon, and the past coming back to haunt Ari is a reasonably compelling arc for the season. But our emotional involvement isn’t quite inflamed by all this boring-but-acceptable rigamarole. It’s definitely not comparable to the walloping first-season debut.

Sex and Skin: Not as much as previous episodes, I’m perhaps sorry to report? Brief manbutt and ladyboob; a stylized light-softcore sex scene.

Parting Shot: A closeup of Ari out cold on the ground with mud smeared on his face.

Sleeper Star: The seeress-witch doctress licks mud off her hand in-between nutty blither-blather. She needs more screen time to enliven all these scenes filled with very seriously dour grimpusses!

Most Pilot-y Line: Speaking to Ari, Marbod iterates the season’s thesis statement: “Maybe the Romans aren’t the problem. Maybe you’re the problem!”

Our Call: STREAM IT. Barbarians’ first-season build-up to the big battle worked well, and a glance at upcoming episode summaries suggest that this second go-round will take a similar tack. That promise is enough to endure a flat season premiere and keep moving forward.

John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Read more of his work at johnserbaatlarge.com.