Stream It Or Skip It: ‘House of Darkness’ on Hulu, a Horror-Comedy Offering a Cat-and-Mouse Battle of the Sexes Between Justin Long and Kate Bosworth

House of Darkness, now on Hulu, is a horror-comedy that (very) loosely adapts Dracula. Stars Kate Bosworth and Justin Long turned up recently in the highly entertaining Barbarian, Bosworth with a brief vocal performance and Long as a creep-o movie producer who gets some just desserts (and hey, apparently they’re a couple now), and director Neil LaBute you may remember for directing his Mametesque debut In the Company of Men or Nurse Betty; he’s mostly stayed under the mainstream radar since his cataclysmic remake of The Wicker Man (BEES!) as he churns out one TV episode or small-scale film after another. By its generic title alone, House of Darkness seems destined to blend into the million-zillion streaming menus we scroll through mindlessly, but does it deserve such a fate? Let’s find out.

HOUSE OF DARKNESS: STREAM IT OR SKIP IT?

The Gist: A fancy title card reads: ONCE UPON A TIME dot dot dot. A big gate to a big estate opens. An utterly massive full moon hovers above. Hap (Long) is dropping off Mina (Bosworth) at her house, which happens to be a gothic castle several leagues from nowhere that would be the perfect spot for a siege against the Uruk-hai. They met at a bar and got to chatting and drinking and she needed a ride and here they are, parked in the driveway, bantering and flirting. Awkwardly. So, so awkwardly. Mina doesn’t say much, and Hap says too much, but if you’re really listening, they’re not saying anything at all – which is maddening.

From here, I’ll give you a rough approximation of the content of their conversation: They talk about who picked up who and he says she asked him for a ride, and she said he talked to her first. Stalemate? No – he delivered the type of flaccid pick-up line proving that he has, in the parlance of the times, No Game. Yet here they are. Why? Does she like nincompoops? He yammers and backpedals and loop-de-loops, and she just teases with vague talk and seductive looks. There’s discussion of what they “need” and what they “want” and it appears they both “want” something but what is that? He wants something and she wants something but neither says what it is, really, although we think we know and we think they know but what is it, really? They keep repeating things like “Do you understand?” followed by “Absolutely!” and I don’t think anyone really understands or is consenting to anything specific.

How about a drink? A drink – that’s what they want. A drink. Finally. A solid thing they want and can procure. Mina leaves the room to get them drinks. Hap fields a call from a buddy and this is when he confirms that we know what he wants and that he knows what he wants: To boink this very attractive woman’s “brains out.” The phone call lasts, oh, I don’t know, at least three weeks. I didn’t time it. But considering the shit he says, you wish he’d just hang up before she overhears it, yet it goes on and on and on. He’s kind of a bewildering moron. She finally returns with the drinks and they drink the drinks and talk in circles for a while longer. At last, they lean in and kiss, a welcome respite from this awful conversation. If the kiss lasted the rest of the movie, it’d be a relief. But she gets a little feisty and bites his lip. He recoils briefly but, hey, he’s up for anything. It’s kinky. Then she sucks the blood from his lip, which from our perspective looks like a warning sign. But Hap’s had a couple and his hormones are rushing. You know how that goes.

What Movies Will It Remind You Of?: The last time Justin Long ended up in a big old house in the company of a stranger, he was slowly, agonizingly body-horror-transformed into a walrus.

Performance Worth Watching: Long is perfectly cast as a comically deplorable jackass who’d probably insist his blither-blather is – pardon the phrase – “locker room talk.”

Memorable Dialogue: They go around and around and around and around:

Hap: Do you believe me?

Mina: I don’t know. Should I believe you?

Audience: ARRRGGHHHH

Sex and Skin: Nothing further than a brief unbuttoning of pants.

Our Take: Hap calls himself a “decent guy,” but is he really? House of Darkness lingers in the fog of uncertainty between Hap and Mina, whose interactions bump up against the concepts of mutual consent, sexual objectification and other complexities of interpersonal communiques in the #MeToo era. It’s pretty clear from the start that Mina’s purposeful vagueness is a tactic designed to trap doofuses like Hap: Here’s a shovel. Here’s a plot. Now dig, dig, dig your own grave, you dumbass.

Our frustration at Hap’s inability to know when to shut the f— up is a testament to Long’s ability to inhabit the psyche of a horny normie all too willing to let his genitals lead him into a dangerous situation; you’ll scream and cringe and facepalm in lieu of the character doing it himself. But the core idea and Long’s impressively annoying performance can’t accommodate for the film’s flaws. LaBute’s exasperating dialogue lacks snap and vigor. The comedy feels obvious and uninspired. Bosworth has one note to play. The horror elements – a few jump scares, moody atmosphere – are lackluster. The payoff is gory as hell, but simplistic and unsatisfying. The screenplay feels hurried, unfinished. There’s potential in this marriage of modern sexual dynamics and classic horror, but this chamber piece is like a 100-room mansion populated by three people: much less than half-empty.

Our Call: Good idea, disappointing execution. SKIP IT.

John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Read more of his work at johnserbaatlarge.com.