‘The Ultimatum: Queer Love’s Vanessa Is Netflix’s New Queen of Chaos

There has been no shortage of messy queens on Netflix in 2023. So far this year we’ve stared, eyes wide and jaw dropped, at the unbelievable antics of Francesca on Perfect Match, Jackelina on Love Is Blind, and Nicole on Selling Sunset. By acting impulsively and/or plotting meticulously, these women have delivered major reality TV moments that we’re not going to forget any time soon. Now there’s another name to add to the list, another face to carve into this Mt. Rushmore of mess: The Ultimatum: Queer Love’s Vanessa.

If you’re not familiar with The Ultimatum, I offer my apologies, for I cannot succinctly explain the show’s premise to you. It involves a bunch of established, actual couples being broken up, tossed into a mixer, and paired with a stranger from one of the other couples to form a “trial marriage” designed to… honestly, I don’t know. Nominally, these couples are on the show because one partner is ready to get married and the other is holding out; that’s where the titular ultimatum comes in. What breaking up with your partner and moving in with a stranger have to do with any of this, the show never really makes clear. What is clear is that this setup is good for reality TV drama, and what is crystal clear is that Vanessa from The Ultimatum’s new, all-queer spinoff is Netflix’s new queen of chaos.

Vanessa, we learn, was issued an ultimatum by Xander, her partner of four years. What’s the issue keeping these two — the couple that’s been together the longest of any of the season’s couples — from taking the next step? Well, as Vanessa says in their intro interview…

I’m just going to say this in case it’s not clear to everyone: if your partner of four years says that they do not want permanency or stability, run.

This isn’t even exclusively about commitment. Relationships can be open and healthy as long as everyone involved is informed and consenting. But the implication when one says that they don’t want permanency or stability goes beyond a romantic relationship. Like, does Vanessa want a home? A career? Friendships? A family? Could Vanessa even commit to watching Drag Race on a Friday night for a few months? And for someone who doesn’t want permanence, Vanessa sure has pursued a multi-year relationship with the same partner. To make matters even more chaotic, Vanessa does want kids or, as she puts it, “to host a child in her belly if her body allows it.” This is surprising because children are widely known for being an 18-year commitment at minimum. Vanessa mostly doesn’t want stability in her definition of stability.

You better believe that Vanessa, plied with booze no doubt paid for by Netflix, leaps at the opportunity to go on dates with 8 other now-single people. She busts out a collection of icebreakers and pickup lines that really hit the offensive part of “charm offensive.”

Needless to say, it works! Even Lexi, a wise-beyond-her-years 24-year-old, is charmed when Vanessa clumsily compares her eyes to “melted chocolate.” Meanwhile Xander, Vanessa’s partner of four years, is going on these dates with the nervous smile and wide eyes of a nerdy kid in a TGIF sitcom who’s somehow scored a dance with the hottest girl in school.

To sum up: Xander is a cinnamon roll and Vanessa is a car crash.

One-on-one, Vanessa is able to match the energy of her date and comes across as super invested. Vanessa’s eye contact game is strong. In a group setting, though, Vanessa errs towards chaos.

Honestly, the first two episodes really play as Vanessa’s tryout for Perfect Match Season 2. Netflix: cast her.

But as anyone familiar with reality romance knows, chaos isn’t all fun and games. There’s a dark side to the chaos and — SPOILERS if you haven’t seen the first two episodes — Lexi is the only one who sees the storm on the horizon.

It actually makes sense that it’s Lexi who gets closest to Vanessa during the dating phase. Of everyone else in the cast, Lexi seems to be the most self-assured and assertive; she has alpha energy, but it’s a warm and nurturing kind of alpha energy. While Vanessa dominates all other conversations, Lexi provides more of a back-and-forth. I will say, Lexi, the fact that you said this to your date — ?

Probably a bad sign!

Anyway — after going on multiple dates with Vanessa and with a big choice to be made in a few days, Lexi starts to seriously consider Vanessa as her potential fake marriage partner (this show…). That’s when Vanessa casually drops a bombshell, saying, “I don’t want to grow closer to someone else” and “when I get bored, I’m like, ‘Okay, I’m bored.'” And when Lexi, gobsmacked, asks Vanessa if she thinks that Xander will find anyone else in this experiment, Vanessa says, “No. I’m beautiful… right?” And then, in maybe the first instance of Vanessa not being able to read her date’s body language, she gives Lexi a Joker grin.

Everything snaps into place for Lexi and she calls Vanessa out on her bullshit. If even after nearly a week of dating around Vanessa is still adamantly opposed to commitment and she is certain Xander could never find someone as beautiful as her, then why is Vanessa here? Could it be… fame? Lexi has had it.

Making matters even more spicy is the fact that Vanessa’s #2 choice during this speed dating week is Rae, Lexi’s ex-partner. And unlike Lexi, Rae comes across as downright meek. By breaking up with Vanessa, Lexi has guaranteed that the one person she hates most is going to live with her ex for three weeks. Chaos.

Lexi then dubs Vanessa “Voldemort,” putting Vanessa in the rarefied group of Netflix-lebrities who have been compared to He Who Must Not Be Named. The other one? Selling Sunset legend Christine Quinn.

Vanessa should feel honored, but this truly eventful two-episode intro to Ultimatum: Queer Love ends on a major down note for our girl. Vanessa finds out that Xander, sheepish little Xander, has found someone else — and it’s Yoly, the only person besides Lexi who doesn’t seem to be swayed by Vanessa’s charm. This tears Vanessa apart — 

— or maybe Vanessa’s attempting to make Xander feel horrible for asserting even a modicum of independence.

Ultimately, though, the outcome of The Ultimatum is irrelevant to Vanessa. As far as I’m concerned, she’s cemented herself as a power player in Netflix’s increasingly intertwined reality TV landscape. I want to see Vanessa either get her real estate license and move to Los Angeles, dive into the pods for some blind dates, or stir up the messiest drama this side of Bartise in Panama. Will Vanessa end up with Xander or Rae? Who cares? She’s matched with Netflix, and that’s all that matters.