Stream It Or Skip It: ‘Mr. Car and the Knights Templar’ on Netflix, a Polish Family-Friendly Adventure That’s Stuck in Neutral

Mr. Car and the Knights Templar (now on Netflix): That’s quite the title, isn’t it? This mostly family-friendly Polish feature adapts Zbigniew Nienacki’s cult-favorite Pan Samochodzik (translation: Mr. Automobile) book series, published primarily in the 1960s and ’70s, about a historian traveling hither and yon in his wacky amphibious auto, hunting down long-lost artifacts. So call it the Polish National Treasure if you must, but we’ll see if it lives up to that comparison (because it’s definitely not on par with the adventures of a certain Dr. Jones). 

MR. CAR AND THE KNIGHTS TEMPLAR: STREAM IT OR SKIP IT?

The Gist: First, that car. It’s sort of a Jeep and sort of a jalopy and about a third of the way towards being a Fury Road beast. It’s dinged and dented and scratched and has no doors or windows to speak of, it’s outfitted with all kinds of gear for adventuring, and you can drive it right into the ocean, because it’s also a boat. It has oodles of personality, and one can’t help but wonder if it might be more fun to hang out with it for 110 minutes instead of the bland man who drives it, but that isn’t going to happen – this movie is about people, incredibly boring people. Speaking of whom, our lead is Tomasz (Mateusz Janicki), who will eventually earn the nickname Mr. Car, because the car is the most interesting thing about him. We meet him smack in the middle of a chase to a lighthouse, where he scuffles with his nemesis, Adios (Jacek Beler), gets an assist from old pal Petersen (Przemyslaw Bluszcz), and learns the location of the Cross of de Molay. He pilots his car out on the water, dives in and emerges with the treasured relic. Bam. Success. Again!

Tomasz, you see, is rather famous for his ability to piece together ancient puzzles and codes in order to acquire such things for the Polish National Museum. He shows off the cross to a crowd of admirers and journalists at a press conference, then turns down an interview request from Anka (Sandra Drzymalska), whose Afternoon Courier pieces about him haven’t been particularly flattering. He’s a loner and any attempt to make him be less of a loner will be met with resistance – just ask his technician buddy who outfits his car with a new back seat, not because Tomasz requested it, but because someone read a few dozen pages ahead in the screenplay. Tomasz is about to put a bow on the Cross of de Molay project when an odd duck of a woman named Lajma (Anna Dymna) insists that a second cross exists, and will lead its founder to the hidden treasure of the Knights Templar. To Tomasz’s dismay, she organizes a competition to find cross no. 2, which will inevitably put our hero head-to-head with that creep Adios.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the woods, a scout troop does what scout troops do – digging holes, gagging down gross pea soup and fostering the classic bully/victim dynamic. One of the bullied is a scrawny chap who calls himself Eagle Eye (Olgierd Blecharz); he’s obsessed with lost treasure and keeps a journal full of research notes, so of course, Tomasz is his hero. He’s pals with a self-described “man of science” dubbed Mentor (Piotr Sega) and a self-described feminist who calls herself Squirrel (Kalina Kowalczuk). Upon hearing of Lajma’s open invite to the competition, the misfit trio busts out of camp and, wouldn’t you know it, find themselves questing for the cross alongside Eagle Eye’s idol. Not that Tomasz wants that. Nor does he care to have Anka and rebellious motorcycle-riding treasure-seeker Karen Petersen (Maria Debska) tagging along, but if he’s actually a decent human being, he might eventually begrudgingly admit that having friends isn’t such a bad thing. However, it might be harder to admit that a little kid might be better at solving cryptic mysteries, but that’s just the way it goes sometimes.

What Movies Will It Remind You Of?: I hate to compare anything to The Da Vinci Code movies because they’re terrible, but it’s hard to avoid in this case. The kids come off as thrice-removed character rejects from The Goonies. And that one cobwebbed skeleton who’s hiding a key our crew needs to unlock a thing to get to a thing to get to another thing was probably purchased at a Raiders of the Lost Ark prop auction. 

Performance Worth Watching: The flavorless screenplay does nobody any favors here, but Blecharz, Sega and Kowalczuk provide some of the youthful spirit the movie definitely needs (and could use more of).  

Memorable Dialogue: “Why do we love treasure so much? Are we attracted to the mystery behind it? The secrets hidden in the dark? Or the dangers lurking around every corner?”

Sex and Skin: None.

Our Take: There’s nothing at all special about Mr. Car and the Knights Templar, which consists of hastily sketched character types working their way through a rote mystery-adventure plot that really wants to be a potboiler, but never bothers to turn up the heat. The characters are colorless templates poking around through generic set pieces that occasionally erupt into amateurishly staged car chases, fistfights and one not particularly swashbuckling fencing bout. The story struggles to establish itself as even a half-assed ’70s period piece; it trundles along without much momentum, and even less suspense, to a monumentally shrug-worthy reveal. And the only character arc belongs to Tomasz, who – cue up your ughs, eyerolls and deep sighs – learns the value of teamwork and companionship.

This narrative formula is almost as dusty and decrepit as the Crusades-era antiques that are the objects of our protagonists’ quest. I will begrudgingly admit that junkfood cinema like National Treasure, the recent Jumanjis and Jungle Cruise at the very least move like a guilty-pleasure beach-read pageturner, but any hope that the surely modestly budgeted Mr. Car might be the scrappy underdog outsider film won’t be realized. It does little more than feed off the scraps of everything that came before it; Dora the Explorer had piles of wit in comparison. It’s content to be the thing that Netflixes away (yes, “Netflix” is a verb now) in the background while families’ attentions wander to more compelling things, like the untended laundry over there, or the dusty, unfinished jigsaw puzzle in the corner. Mr. Car doesn’t crash and burn, and won’t drive you to drink, but you will wish it didn’t take you someplace you’ve seen dozens of times before. 

Our Call: Time for a quest – to find something more thrilling than this to watch. SKIP IT. 

John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan.