‘Survivor’ 45: An Ode to Lulu, the Best Worst Tribe Ever

What does it take to become a Survivor legend? Do you need to win the most immunity challenges or find the most immunity idols? I don’t know, but I am dead sure of one thing: the Lulu tribe of Survivor 45 are absolute Survivor legends — and they’ve done nothing but Lulu-lose.

Okay, that’s not entirely true. During the course of their three-episode run, the original Lulu lineup did win precisely one reward challenge. They did, however, lose two other reward challenges, three immunity challenges, and a pair of bonus challenges.

This tribe seemed built to fail from the get go, as it lacked any of the brawn possessed by the other tribes, Belo and Reba. They lost their breath, lost their cool, lost their will, and definitely lost their way — but dammit, they won our hearts.

Every season of Survivor gives us a roster of players who seem genetically engineered to crush every challenge and puzzle. Lulu, though? They are us. None of the Lulu members are under any delusion that they’re epic players ready to go on an immunity streak. In fact, all of them are having what little ego they have checked all the time. All of these failures — and there are many — aren’t frustrating because they’re all real and these real people are having real reactions to them.

Just look at this Lulu-lineup of stars! There was Hannah, a 33-year-old therapist whose major contribution to the tribe was sweeping the ground and giving us the iconic phrase “I’m not Survivor-ly” before literally begging her tribemates to vote her out at the first tribal council.

Another epic quote from Hannah: “I think [the tribe dynamic] is amazing and I just keep thinking I’d love to watch it unfold… from my home.” The pause Hannah took there was timed so perfectly, like the work of a legendary Catskills comedian.

Then there was Brandon, a 26-year-old “content producer” who started watching Survivor so he could impress a teacher. Brandon nearly died within 15 minutes of first meeting Jeff Probst when a hurricane-level panic attack hit him and kept him from being able to climb a ladder.

And then he returned to camp, greeted by his tribemates’ rapid-fire questions — “Where are you from?” “How are you feeling?” And the response: “Jersey. Bad.” You can’t write these moments! And dear, sweet Brandon, the self-proclaimed king of puzzles who truly botched every single puzzle placed in front of him. And when it was Brandon’s time to go, after he was literally called the water boy by Jeff Probst, Brandon could not help but be legitimately stoked to see his torch snuffed. “This is cool,” he said to his new family. “It’s really cool.”

And then there’s Sean, a 35-year-old principal who is the quietest of the bunch. He is clearly there to play a subtle, supportive game — but it’s hard to lean back when everyone else in your tribe is off the deep end. Remember when they were all talking about how the pyramids are batteries used by aliens or something? Anyway — Sean’s got a bit of a sassy streak, like when he prefaced a bunch of gossip about Emily with the interjection, “I like her.” If anyone ever prefaces anything with “I like them, but,” you know you’re about to hear some top-tier shit-talk.

Who’s Emily, you ask? Only the most aggressive player to ever touch Survivor’s shores. Emily wasted no time coming for returning player Bruce while Jeff Probst was in the middle of introductions. Emily saw a comeback contestant on another tribe and thought, “I absolutely need to cut this guy down.” Then she spent the entire first day being a combination Debbie Downer/Napoleon with her nonstop complaining and quest for domination.

And as soon as she realized how lucky she was that Hannah threw her head on the guillotine, Emily changed that tune so f’ing fast. She also told Brandon that his island hair was “stunning,” which was just really nice.

Oh, Sabiyah, one of two Lulu players who immediately emerged as a candidate for leader. She actually found an immunity idol… except it was encased in wax, unable to be claimed until it was freed. No problem, right? Except that Lulu failed two challenges in a row that would’ve given them a flint.

Sabiyah had all the makings of a great player, evidenced by her instincts to vote out her biggest threat, the incredibly likable and capable Kaleb.

Kaleb, the sixth and final Lulu member, came through in every way possible. Kaleb is a powerhouse in challenges, a truly impressive social player (the way he wooed Reba during his raid), and forged an incredibly earnest dynamic with Emily — a player who came at him guns-a-blazin’ during the first tribal council! Fast-forward to Episode 3’s tribal council and honestly, Emily and Kaleb could be the alliance that no one saw coming and the alliance to beat.

And that’s all because of that final tribal council, an extraordinary moment that sums up Lulu’s chaos. Still lacking a flint, Sabiyah dropped the wax-covered idol into the tribal council fire — in front of Jeff Probst — so she could free it and reclaim her vote! She grilled it over the open flame like it was a million-dollar hot dog! And in the end, the freed idol ended up not being strategically advantageous to Sabiyah, so she chose to give up her vote anyway! She did not cast a vote for Kaleb alongside her ally Sean, and was thus eliminated 2-1. Sabiyah couldn’t even really be all that mad, because this is one of the most hilariously iconic exits in the show’s history. Chaos. Mayhem.

And now, as Lulu becomes something new-new with the first tribe swap, we can only look back at all the way Lulu failed this season… and applaud. Despite all of the losses and hilariously thwarted plans, I think the audience remains firmly #TeamLulu because — let’s get deep — we are all Lulu. I would absolutely bolt like Hannah. I have anxiety and acid reflux like Brandon. I would be gossiping all the time like Sean, probably playing too hard like Emily, but hopefully being as loyal as Kaleb. And no matter how well I strategize, I’d probably still end up voted off like Sabiyah.

Lulu member Sean may call his tribe the “Lulu Lemons,” but I don’t think that pun is anywhere near as accurate as it is clever. Lemons? Absolutely not. Sorry, Sean — y’all are Lulu Legends.