Erika Jayne On Revealing Suicidal Thoughts Amid Tom Girardi Legal Drama In ‘Bet It All On Blonde’: “It Really Felt Hopeless”

Erika Jayne previously found herself in hot water over her estranged husband Tom Girardi‘s legal mess — but now that she’s been dismissed from his lawsuits, she is ready to make her comeback. In the new two-part documentary Bet It All on Blonde, Jayne is presented in a completely different light than fans are used to seeing her in The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills as she explains, in her own words, the last four years of her life all while she prepares to headline her first-ever Las Vegas residency.

For much of the documentary, Jayne puts aside her typical glitz and glamour and instead opts for more relaxed looks. We see her in sweatpants and without makeup in her home, caring for her beloved dog Tiago. We feel her uneasiness through the screen the moment Girardi’s public defender shows up unannounced at her doorstep (something she said “threw [her] for a major loop”). And we become overwhelmed by a sense of empathy as she candidly admits that her ex’s alleged crimes made her consider taking her own life.

“That was a really hard time, and it was ugly, and it really felt hopeless,” she told DECIDER ahead of the premiere, adding, “I was lucky enough to have good people around me and to be able to also have a good therapist to help me organize my thoughts. That really helped, as well as my family.”

In between scenes of Jayne opening up about her life pre- and post-Girardi, she and choreographer/longtime friend Mikey Minden work through the stresses of putting on a glamorous and smooth performance. There are times in the days leading up to opening night when they are not on the same page, including one scene where Minden becomes emotional over their setbacks. When asked if he was being too hard on her, Jayne insisted he wasn’t, telling us, “Mikey is not a ‘yes man,’ and he wanted me to succeed almost sometimes more than I did.”

We caught up with Jayne via Zoom to talk all things Bet It All on Blonde, as well as the ongoing RHOBH reunion episodes and what’s next for her career. Keep reading for the full interview.

DECIDER: I actually spoke to you at BravoCon the day this documentary was announced and now that it’s finally out, what are you hoping fans take away from it?

ERIKA JAYNE: I think it’s a different view of my life. I think you get to see me in a different environment outside of a group of women. I’m performing and you get to see what goes into making a show happen. 

You said at one point in the documentary that your situation with Tom made you consider suicide – but you were able to get back on your feet thanks to some tough love from your son. When you’re looking back on those difficult moments, what would you tell yourself then that you know now?

That was a really hard time, and it was ugly, and it really felt hopeless. I think that – I’ve thought about this a lot – it’s just important that you have good close people by you because you never know how hard somebody may be struggling, and what it looks like on the outside is not what’s happening inside and the conversations that are inside.

I think that I would encourage someone to talk and to get really good help. You have to say something and I was lucky enough to have good people around me and to be able to also have a good therapist to help me organize my thoughts. That really helped, as well as my family.

When you were denied the loan because of your name, you said it felt like you were in the mob. Would you consider legally changing your name? 

I have considered legally changing my name. It’s a lot of hoops to jump through and it’s, you know, kind of very low on the totem pole of challenges that I have.

Would you say the perception of you has gotten any better now that you’ve visited victims, headlined a successful residency and people have seen a softer side of you on RHOBH?

I think so. I think people have been able to see me not being so cornered and so pressured into answering questions that I could not answer or that I did not have answers to. And I’ve been able to come up for air and just be myself, but I’ve also put in a lot of work in order to really just relax and accept the things that are coming my way.

That scene where the public defender shows up at your door late at night is kind of terrifying. What went through your mind at that moment? And have there been any other scary or unsettling instances like that since then?

When the public defender comes to the door, you cannot make that up. It was just such a tap on the shoulder of like, “Hey, you’re not done with this and this is still here.” It threw me for a major loop. 

At first I thought it was a neighbor and it wasn’t. It reminds you of everything that you’ve kind of come through and kind of snatches you back into a negative place — a place that I’ve worked really hard to come out of. As far as other things like that happening, I mean, there are people that come to the door. It’s kind of bizarre. It’s a little strange.

It was definitely a scary moment. 

You can imagine. And then having it being captured and it’s just like, “Can I please just have a moment where everything is moving forward and positive?” 

When you said that none of your Real Housewives castmates would survive in this environment, what did you mean by that? 

I meant exactly what I said — which is, like, this is a very tough environment. This is a really unique set of circumstances. This isn’t losing your house, losing your husband, losing your stuff. This is, you’re being mischaracterized, misjudged, and a ton of lawsuits placed upon you and [you’re] forced to do it in public. There’s no running from it and being picked apart while you do it [and] showing up every day for work, not backing down.

I think that, right or wrong, no matter whether people agreed with me or disagreed with me with the way I handled myself, it’s a very lonely place to be and very few can walk through it. Now, are there other tougher situations? I’m sure. Mine is just unique to me.

There was a lot of stress in the days before opening night of your Las Vegas residency, which I think is super common when it comes to live performances. But one thing I was surprised to see was how emotional Mikey became under the stress. Do you think he was being too hard on you?

No, see, the thing is that Mikey is not a “yes man.” And I think that people have not had the opportunity to see that. Mikey and I’s relationship has been for over a decade. So Mikey is not a “yes man,” and he wanted me to succeed almost sometimes more than I did. He had worked so very hard. We’ve worked so very hard for so many years, and this was a big deal for both of us.

How were you ultimately able to put the mental constraints aside and deliver an epic show?

It was not easy. You have to, and I say this, I’m looking for the chance to have fun and get rid of all of the notes and all of the stuff, and let’s go perform. Let’s go give a show. And that really happened the very last day. Like, it is what it is. We’re perfect. We’ve got it down. And we’re gonna put the show on tonight and have a great time and remember why you fell in love with performing in the first place. And don’t let all of these outside conditions steal that joy.

I’d be lying if I say I didn’t get a little emotional at the end of the show there. How would you describe the feeling of coming off that stage and knowing you killed it?

It felt really good. You can see me, everybody else is excited and I’m sort of like, calm and I wanted to — I had a goal, I had a mission, and that was to get this show on its feet to deliver a great, fun show for the people. Once I was able to see that everybody had a good time, I could take a breath, but only in private.

In the season finale of Beverly Hills, Denise Richards made some unkind comments about you lip-syncing. But in the documentary, that mic is definitely on! What’s your response to Denise? 

Look, I did Broadway, there’s no help. I mean, it is what it is. You hit the note or you don’t. As far as what I’m thinking here, my mic is on. You can hear the good notes and the bad notes. I don’t know what her comment was for, but whatever. I mean, it is what it is with her. 

We are currently in the throes of the Beverly Hills reunion episodes. What do you think fans will be most surprised by? And what were your thoughts on Kathy Hilton coming back?

Kathy coming back was good, I think for Kyle. I think that the sisters needed a moment to reconcile and talk through their problems because last time we saw them together it wasn’t great. 

It was a nice reunion for me. I can’t believe I’m saying that. Because for the first time in two years, I wasn’t the focus of all the hard questions. So it felt nice to just be able to sit back and watch other people navigate their issues.

So, now we must know: What is next for Erika Jayne? World tour?

I would love a world tour. But March 8, I have a new single and a new video titled “Bounce.” It’s coming out. So you get a documentary, you get a new single with a video, and the door is open to perform some more, which I’m sure will be doing in ‘24. I’m super excited. I have worked really hard to get to this moment where I can just feel good.

This interview has been edited for clarity and length.

Erika Jayne: Bet It All on Blonde premieres on Wednesday, March 6 at 9 p.m. on Bravo. It will be available to stream on Peacock the next day.

If you or someone you know are experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline 24 hours a day, 7 days a week at 988.