Stream It Or Skip It: ‘A Whitewater Romance’ on the Hallmark Channel, A Fish-Out-Of-Rapids Romance About Colleagues Who Fall In Love on a Rafting Trip

Hallmark Channel romances are almost always predictable and comforting, but sometimes they lean too far into stereotypes and clichés that veer so far out of reality that it’s distracting. That is, unfortunately, what happened with the network’s latest movie, A Whitewater Romance, about a Manhattanite who goes on a work retreat in the Rocky Mountains and finds herself out of her comfort zone until she starts to connect with her rugged, outdoorsy colleague. Instead of building a plausible relationship between the two characters, the movie is a lazy river of jokes that poke fun at this New Yorker who prefers pedicures to pine cones and sushi to sunshine. By the end, you’ll wish your couch would capsize.

A WHITEWATER ROMANCE: STREAM IT OR SKIP IT?

Opening Shot: The movie opens with gorgeous overhead shots of a river running through the Rocky Mountains, and then we cut away to the harsher urban landscape of New York City, where publicist Maya Alvaro (Cindy Busby) is putting in long hours at her desk, writing a press release for an app called Vesta.

The Gist: Maya’s a stereotypical rom-com city gal: her short-term plans include work, spin class, dinner for one, and more work. But when she gets a call from Allegra Adams, the CEO of the tech company she’s working for inviting her to come to a retreat in the Rocky Mountains, she can’t say no. The catch is that this isn’t just a vacation, it’s a competition. Allegra has invited reps from the four corporate branches of Vesta to an outing where she plans to pit them all against one another in a series of nature challenges. Being a city gal puts Maya at a disadvantage, she’s the type who thinks that high-heeled Timberlands are the same as hiking boots and has literally never seen (nor seems to understand the concept of) a compass, and Allegra can smell the fear on her. Actually, Allegra seems to enjoy putting Maya through the wringer and seems to loathe her urbane ways.

The other three reps at the retreat are from across the country: Matt (Benjamin Hollingsworth), Luis (Edwin Perez), and Claire (Alisha-Marie Ahamed) all seem rugged and up for anything, while also managing to be impressive superhumans. (Claire speaks five languages and travels the world! Luis is a guitar virtuoso! Matt is a volunteer firefighter in his spare time!) Maya feels inadequate, and literally everyone around her seems to have a negative idea of what it is to be from New York City. (As a city dweller for most of my life, these stereotypes of an outdoorsily inept Manhattanite seem completely stupid, because everyone knows that the one thing New Yorkers love as much as New York is the chance to get out of New York.)

But alas, Matt, who calls her “Maya From Manhattan” really rubs her the wrong way and they bicker throughout their challenges… until they start to work together and come up with a great idea for the app, something about livestreaming and geotagging… point is, Allegra loves it. By the end, not only do Maya and Matt impress their boss and win a promotion but, of course, they live happily ever after.

What Movies Will It Remind You Of? A Whitewater Romance falls into that Hallmark movie category that features a careerist woman who’s so caught up in her ambition that she can’t see the love right in front of her, like Paging Mr. Darcy and A Taste of Love.

Our Take: Is there a script doctor in the house!?? Because I’m not sure I’ve ever wished that someone took another pass on a movie script more than I wish that for A Whitewater Romance. There’s not a formula or stereotype that this film even tries to break or challenge: the script is filled with tired tropes, and the performances are broad and frustrating while also being confusing.

Maya is such a classic New Yorker that she’s completely out of touch with nature, okay, sure… But nothing else about her, from her sunny, Midwestern disposition, to the fact that she never once references a bodega, says “New York.” Her CEO, Allegra, is supposed to be this genius tech leader, but she determines who gets promotions by… making her employees compete in spoon races and treetop ropes courses? Sure, Jan. There’s nothing about these choices that charmed me, instead each component only sowed contempt for how ridiculous they were.

It pains me to offer only negativity in a review. I like to find redemptive qualities in the shows and movies I watch, especially when they’re meant to be the gentle, comforting watches that Hallmark peddles. But in this case, there was not a single supporting character who brought life or charm to the table. Not a single moment in the film where I perked up and thought things were getting good. There are just too many elements here, from Maya’s unrealistic New York-schtick to the fact that this is a movie set at a work retreat (shudder), to the lack of romantic chemistry between the leads, that are appealing in the slightest.

Sex and Skin: If, by “skin” you mean everyone is layered up to varying degrees in Patagonia and/or neoprene then yeah, sure, everyone is baring it all.

Parting Shot: Allegra informs Maya and Matt that she’s so impressed with them after they livestream their final rafting trip and garner thousands of new app users, that she wants them to lead her new Paris office. To celebrate, Maya and Matt share a dry-ass, closed-mouth kiss while standing next to the river.

Performance Worth Watching: William deVry, who stars as Jim, the owner of the wilderness lodge where everyone is staying, seems to be the only person in this movie who isn’t over-acting or giving in to exaggerated character stereotypes. I only wish there were more actors in this that opted for subtlety instead of going hard as one-note caricatures.

Memorable Dialogue: “I’m more of an indoorsy person,” Maya says, trying to excuse herself from going to the outdoorsy retreat in the mountains. You can take the gal out of the city, etc., etc.

Our Call: SKIP IT. Sometimes Hallmark movies really impress and manage to go above and beyond expectations, and sometimes they’re schmaltzy drivel that are the equivalent of the sappy greeting cards that made them famous. Alas, this one can be found in the “Condolences On Losing Two Hours Of Your Life” section in the card aisle.

Liz Kocan is a pop culture writer living in Massachusetts. Her biggest claim to fame is the time she won on the game show Chain Reaction.