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The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships Paperback – June 25, 2002
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Gottman provides the tools you need to make your relationships thrive. In The Relationship Cure, Dr. Gottman:
- Reveals the key elements of healthy relationships, emphasizing the importance of what he calls “emotional connection”
- Introduces the powerful new concept of the emotional “bid,” the fundamental unit of emotional connection
- Provides remarkably empowering tools for improving the way you bid for emotional connection and how you respond to others’ bids
- And more!
Packed with fascinating questionnaires and exercises developed in his therapy, The Relationship Cure offers a simple but profound program that will fundamentally transform the quality of all of the relationships in your life.
- Print length336 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherHarmony
- Publication dateJune 25, 2002
- Dimensions5.1 x 0.7 x 8 inches
- ISBN-109780609809532
- ISBN-13978-0609809532
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Editorial Reviews
Review
-- William J. Doherty, Ph.D., author of Take Back Your Marriage: Sticking Together in a World That Pulls Us Apart
"This is the best book on relationships I have ever read -- a truly impressive tour-de-force. John Gottman has discovered the Rosetta Stone of relationships. He has decoded the subtle secrets contained in our moment-to-moment communications. By introducing the simple yet amazingly powerful concept of the "bid," he provides a remarkable set of tools for relationship repair. By the middle of the second chapter you're likely to say to yourself, "Oh, so that's what's happening in my relationship with my partner (or colleague, boss, or sister), and now I know what to do about it."
-- Daniel B. Wile, Ph.D.,author of After the Fight: Using Your Disagreements to Build a Stronger Relationship
"The Relationship Cure is another in John Gottman's superb series of books on improving intimate relationships. What distinguishes Gottman's writing from that of other self-help books is that it is based on research findings from his extensive studies. When he says his five steps will help you build better connections with the people you care about, you know that they have been demonstrated to work."
-- E. Mavis Hetherington, Ph.D., professor of psychology, University of Virginia
"The Relationship Cure is both profound and practical, based on decades of research and clinical experience. The rich array of self-exploration exercises and guidelines offers a life-changing program for creating more rewarding emotional connections with friends, colleagues, and life partners."
-- Shirley P. Glass, ABPP, author of Treating the Trauma of Infidelity
"The Relationship Cure is engaging and imaginative. The deceptively simple but powerful concept of the 'emotional bid' reveals ways in which we can connect with significant others in our lives."
-- Andrew Christensen, Ph.D., coauthor of Reconcilable Differences
"I always expect to learn something from John Gottman, and I have never been disappointed. The Relationship Cure is original, insightful, and immensely helpful. I love the concept of emotional bids. Gottman not only helps the reader recognize how he or she may be short circuiting connection and communication, he gives them very good practical advice, as well as examples of wrong and right ways to deal with even the most aggressive or passive partner interaction."
-- Pepper Schwartz, Profesor of Sociology, the University of Washington, Seattle and author of Everything You Know About Love and Sex is Wrong
From the Back Cover
"This is the best book on relationships I have ever read. . . . John Gottman has decoded the subtle secrets that can either enrich or destroy the quality of our ties with others." Daniel B. Wile, Ph.D., author of After the Fight: Using Your Disagreements to Build a Stronger Relationship
"John Gottman is our leading explorer of the inner world of relationships. In The Relationship Cure, he has found gold once again."William J. Doherty, Ph.D., author of Take Back Your Marriage: Sticking Together in a World That Pulls Us Apart
"When he says his five steps will help you build better connections with the people you care about, you know that they have been demonstrated to work." E. Mavis Heatherington, Ph.D., professor of psychology, University of Virginia
From the country's foremost relationship expert and "New York Times bestselling author Dr. John M. Gottman comes a powerful, simple five-step program, based on twenty years of innovative research, for greatly improving all of the relationships in your life--with spouses and lovers, children, siblings, and even your colleagues at work. In The Relationship Cure, Dr. Gottman:
* Reveals the key elements of healthy relationships, emphasizing the importance of what he calls "emotional connection"
* Introduces the powerful new concept of the emotional "bid," the fundamental unit of emotional connection
* Provides remarkably empowering tools for improving the way you bid for emotional connection and how you respond to others' bids
About the Author
John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman founded the Gottman Institute to provide educational materials, therapist and couples workshops, and therapy to couples and families.
Joan DeClaire is a freelance writer specializing in psychology, health, and family issues. She lives in Seattle.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
How We Connect Emotionally
A work team at one of Seattle's floundering Internet companies has a problem that's common in many workplaces: They can't communicate with their boss. If you catch a few team members at a local tavern after hours, you're likely to hear an exchange something like this:
"Joseph is the coldest fish I've ever worked for."
"I know what you mean. The other day I saw this picture of a little boy on his bulletin board and I said, 'Cute kid. Is that your son?' And he goes, 'No.' "
"And that was it?"
"Yeah. So I'm standing there wondering, 'Well, who is it then? Your nephew? Your stepson? Your love child?' "
"He's just so out of it. And to think we were so jazzed when we heard he was going to head the team, with that vaunted success record of his."
"He's smart, all right. But what good has it done us? We still haven't launched the site."
"That's because he has zero people skills. Have you noticed how all the other managers try to avoid him?"
"Yeah, that's what's screwing us up. We have no real standing in the company. I was hoping he could take our ideas up the ladder and we'd finally get the resources we need. But he never asks for our input. He never even asks if you've had a nice weekend."
"Remember when we moved to the new building and he decided to do away with private offices? He said we'd have an open floor plan to 'enhance communication.' What a crock!"
"Stop it, you guys. I feel sorry for him."
"Sorry for him? Why? He's the one with all the stock options!"
"Well, I think he wants to be a better boss-he just doesn't know how."
"Oh yeah? How can you tell?"
"I don't know. It's just a guess. Maybe he knows how disappointed we all feel in him. And that makes it even harder for him. I can't read his mind, but I bet that's what's going on."
Next meet Kristine, age fifty-four, an advertising executive whose mother was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. Kristine would like to help with her mother's care, but Mom lives several states away, near Kristine's sister, Alice. Here's a typical phone call between the sisters:
"How's Mom?" Kristine asks tentatively.
"She'll be better once the insurance pays her hospital bill," Alice responds. "That's all she talks about."
"But that was last December. The insurance still hasn't paid?"
"No, not that hospital stay. I'm talking about this last time, when she had that seizure."
"What seizure?"
"Didn't I tell you?"
"Tell me what?"
"She was in the hospital last month after a seizure. They ran some tests."
"I can't believe you didn't tell me about this. Why didn't you call?"
"It was just so hectic. And it's impossible to get hold of you with your voice mail or whatever. Besides, there's nothing you can do from the East Coast."
"But, Alice! I've asked you to call me when these things happen!"
"Well, it really doesn't matter now. They put her on some new medicine and she's doing much better. We got through it fine. There's no need to worry."
But Kristine does worry. And she's angry as well. She tells herself that Alice isn't cutting her out of the loop on purpose; she's just caught up in her own concerns. But now that Mom's health is going downhill, Kristine and her sister have got to cooperate better than this. Otherwise, Kristine might miss her only chance to be there when Mom needs help most. And if that happens, she and Alice could hold grievances against each other for the rest of their lives.
Now meet Phil and Tina, a couple in their thirties who seem to have it all. Solid jobs, two beautiful kids, lots of good friends-and they love each other. Trouble is, they haven't had sex in six months.
Seated together on a small sofa in a therapist's office, the couple describes how the problem started.
"Tina's company was going through this big reorganization," Phil explains. "And every day she'd come home exhausted."
"It was a real drag," Tina remembers. "I was spending all day in these long, tense meetings, trying to defend people's jobs. When I got home, I couldn't shake the stress. I didn't want to talk to anybody. I felt so anxious. Phil tried to be nice, but . . ."
"I wanted to help her, to tell her it was going to be okay, but I couldn't do anything right. It wasn't like we had this huge, catastrophic breakdown or anything. It was more about the little stuff. I'd kiss her on the back of her neck or start to rub her stomach when we were in bed-things that used to get her attention. But now I was getting nothing in return. Zip. It definitely threw me off balance."
"And I felt that if I didn't get all hot and bothered the minute he touched me, he was going to be wounded or something," Tina explained. "It just made me so tense."
Phil got the point. "She has all these people leaning on her at work. And then she comes home to this guy who's feeling insecure, who's whining about his needs. It was such a turnoff for her."
So, to preserve his pride, Phil quit trying. "I got tired of the rejection," he explains to the therapist. "I don't know how long we can go on like this. It's tough to keep putting yourself out there only to be shut down all the time. Sure, I love her, but sometimes I'm afraid we're not going to make it."
"It's not working for me, either," Tina says through tears. Then, after a long silence, she adds, "I miss making love, too. I miss the way it used to be."
"Well, maybe that's a place to start," Phil says quietly. "Because you never told me that before. You never gave me that information."
Phil couldn't have said it better. Whether people are struggling to save a marriage, to cooperate in a family crisis, or to build rapport with a difficult boss, they usually have one thing in common: They need to share emotional information that can help them feel connected.
The disgruntled workers at the Seattle Internet company need to know that their boss shares their dream of launching a successful site. They need to know that he appreciates their work and ideas. But when they turn to him for this emotional information, he fails to respond. In fact, he can't even react sociably to their attempts at friendly conversation. He doesn't inspire confidence that they'll be able to achieve their goal. As a result, the team members feel demoralized and they doubt whether they can make the launch.
A similar dynamic is happening between the sisters whose mother is sick. Kristine has asked Alice to keep her informed about their mother's condition. But she's after more than medical information. She wants to feel as though she is part of the family, especially in this time of crisis. By failing to call when their mother is hospitalized, Alice shows that she doesn't really consider Kristine a part of the world she inhabits with Mom. Alice may blame the miles between their homes, but the emotional distance Kristine experiences seems even wider.
Phil and Tina are like many couples I see in marital therapy. Whatever conflicts the couples may have-sex, money, housework, kids-all of them long for evidence that their spouses understand and care about what they're feeling.
Sharing such information through words and behavior is essential for improving any significant relationship. This includes bonds with our kids, our siblings, our friends, our coworkers. But even our best efforts to connect can be jeopardized as a result of one basic problem: failure to master what I call the "bid"-the fundamental unit of emotional communication.
This book will show you five steps you can take to achieve this mastery and make your relationships work:
1.Analyze the way you bid and the way you respond to others' bids.
2.Discover how your brain's emotional command systems affect your bidding process.
3.Examine how your emotional heritage impacts your ability to connect with others and your style of bidding.
4.Develop your emotional communication skills.
5.Find shared meaning with others.
But first let's make sure you understand what I mean when I talk about bids. A bid can be a question, a gesture, a look, a touch-any single expression that says, "I want to feel connected to you." A response to a bid is just that-a positive or negative answer to somebody's request for emotional connection.
At the University of Washington, my research colleagues and I recently discovered how profoundly this bidding process affects relationships. We learned, for example, that husbands headed for divorce disregard their wives' bids for connection 82 percent of the time, while husbands in stable relationships disregard their wives' bids just 19 percent of the time. Wives headed for divorce act preoccupied with other activities when their husbands bid for their attention 50 percent of the time, while happily married wives act preoccupied in response to their husbands' bids just 14 percent of the time.
When we compared how often couples in the two groups extended bids and responded to them, we found another significant difference. During a typical dinner-hour conversation, the happily married people engaged one another as many as one hundred times in ten minutes. Those headed for divorce engaged only sixty-five times in that same period. On the surface the contrast may seem inconsequential, but taken together over a year, the additional moments of connection among the happy couples would be enough to fill a Russian novel.
We also found that this high rate of positive engagement paid off in tremendous ways. For example, we now know that people who react positively to one another's bids have greater access to expressions of humor, affection, and interest during arguments. It's almost as if all the good feelings they've accumulated by responding respectfully and lovingly to one another's bids form a pot of emotional "money in the bank." Then, when a conflict arises, they can draw on this reservoir of good feeling. It's as if something inside unconsciously says, "I may be mad as hell at him right now, but he's the guy who listens so attentively when I complain about my job. He deserves a break." Or, "I'm as angry as I've ever been with her, but she's the one who always laughs at my jokes. I think I'll cut her some slack."
Having access to humor and affection during a conflict is invaluable because it helps to de-escalate bad feelings and leads to better understanding. Rather than shutting down communication in the midst of an argument, people who can stay present with one another have a much better opportunity to resolve issues through their conflicts, repair hurt feelings, and build positive regard. But this good work must begin long before the conflict starts; it's got to be grounded in those dozens of ordinary, day-to-day exchanges of emotional information and interest that we call bids.
And what happens when we habitually fail to respond positively to one another's bids for emotional connection? Such failure is rarely malicious or mean-spirited. More often we're simply unaware of or insensitive to others' bids for our attention. Still, when such mindlessness becomes habitual, the results can be devastating.
I've seen such results in my clinical practice at the Gottman Institute, where I've counseled many people who describe their lives as consumed by loneliness. They feel lonely despite their proximity to many significant people in their lives-lovers, spouses, friends, children, parents, siblings, and coworkers. Often they seem surprised and greatly disappointed at the deterioration of their relationships.
"I love my wife," one client says of his faltering marriage, "but our relationship feels empty somehow." He senses that the passion is waning, that the romance is drifting away. What he can't see are all the opportunities for closeness that surround him. Like so many other distressed, lonely people, he doesn't mean to ignore or dismiss his spouse's bids for emotional connection. It's just that the bids happen in such simple, mundane ways that he doesn't recognize these moments as very important.
Clients like these typically have trouble at work, as well. Although they're often skilled at forming collegial bonds when they first start a job, they tend to focus totally on the tasks at hand, often to the detriment of their relationships with coworkers. Later, when they're passed over for a promotion, or when they discover they have no influence on an important project, they're baffled. And they often feel betrayed and disappointed by their colleagues and bosses as a result.
Such feelings of disappointment and loss also crop up in these clients' relationships with friends and relatives. Many describe peers, siblings, and children as disloyal, unworthy of trust. But when we dig deeper, we find a familiar pattern. These clients seem unaware of the bids for connection that their friends and relatives have been sending them. So it's no wonder that their loved ones feel no obligation to continue their support.
People who have trouble with the bidding process also have more conflict-conflict that might be prevented if they could simply acknowledge one another's emotional needs. Many arguments spring from misunderstandings and feelings of separation that might have been avoided if people would have the conversations they need to have. But because they don't, they argue instead. Such conflicts can lead to marital discord, divorce, parenting problems, and family feuds. Friendships fade and deteriorate. Adult sibling relationships wither and die. Kids raised in homes filled with chronic conflict have more difficulty learning, getting along with friends, and staying healthy. People who can't connect are also more likely to suffer isolation, as well as dissatisfaction and instability in their work lives. Any of these problems can create a tremendous amount of stress in people's lives, leading to all sorts of physical and mental health problems.
But our findings about the bidding process give me a tremendous amount of hope. They tell me that people who consistently bid and respond to bids in positive ways have an astounding chance for success in their relationships.
We've written this book to share these discoveries with as many people as possible. We hope that reading it will help you to form and maintain the kind of strong, healthy connections that lead to a happy, fulfilling life.
Product details
- ASIN : 0609809539
- Publisher : Harmony; Reprint edition (June 25, 2002)
- Language : English
- Paperback : 336 pages
- ISBN-10 : 9780609809532
- ISBN-13 : 978-0609809532
- Item Weight : 2.31 pounds
- Dimensions : 5.1 x 0.7 x 8 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #12,172 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #68 in Emotional Self Help
- #110 in Interpersonal Relations (Books)
- #114 in Marriage
- Customer Reviews:
About the authors
John Gottman, Ph.D., is world-renowned for his work on relationship stability and divorce prediction, involving the study of emotions, physiology, and communication. He was recently voted one of the Top 10 Most Influential Therapists of the past quarter-century by the PsychoTherapy Networker publication. His 35 years of breakthrough research on marriage, relationships and parenting has earned him numerous major awards.
He is the author of 190 published academic articles and author or co-author of 40 books. Dr. Gottman is the co-founder of The Gottman Institute where he currently teaches weekend workshops for couples and training workshops for clinicians. He is the Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute, where programs have been developed for parents transitioning to parenthood and are beginning a new research project on treatment for Domestic Violence. Dr. Gottman is also in private practice in Seattle and sees couples for weekly and intensive marathon therapy sessions.
World-renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, Dr. John Gottman has conducted 40 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples. He is the author of over 200 published academic articles and author or co-author of more than 40 books, including The New York Times bestseller The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Dr. Gottman’s media appearances include Good Morning America, Today, CBS Morning News, and Oprah, as well articles in The New York Times, Redbook, Glamour, Woman’s Day, People, Self, and Psychology Today. Together with his wife Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, he is founder of The Gottman Institute and creator of Gottman Method Couples Therapy, a research-based approach to strengthening relationships.
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Learn more how customers reviews work on AmazonCustomers say
Customers find the book contains practical information about all types of relationships. They also say it's excellent for creating better relationships with spouses, partners, family, and friends. Readers describe the book as an easy read with lots of examples.
AI-generated from the text of customer reviews
Customers find the book's content practical, useful, and eye-opening. They also appreciate the clear directives and great examples. Readers also say the book is based on solid scientific research and goes further than anything else they've found. They find the ideas simple yet true and appreciate the accuracy of the book and its uses.
"...iI was absolutely blown away by the accuracy of this book and its uses. I found out so many things about my relationship with my husband...." Read more
"...fundamentals about the human nature of communication, offering real-life examples to aid in understanding...." Read more
"As always, John Gottman's books are wonderful and clear, providing tangible facts and tools for building a better relationship...." Read more
"I got this book for a school class. It's a good insightful book, but I was not blown away. It's content is all commen sense...." Read more
Customers find the book excellent for creating better relationships with spouses, partners, family, and friends. They also say it teaches how to have people skills and make lots of social connections.
"...It teaches fundamentals about the human nature of communication, offering real-life examples to aid in understanding...." Read more
"...are wonderful and clear, providing tangible facts and tools for building a better relationship. I've grown so much just by reading his material...." Read more
"...research can be uncomfortable, his suggestions for successful relationships are marvelously applicable." Read more
"...It even teaching how to have people skills and make lots of social connections. Its everything you need to know about other people. Its all here...." Read more
Customers find the book very easy to read and utilize. They also say the premise is well written and clear, providing tangible facts.
"...This book is a reader friendly overview of Gottman's scientific research on romantic interpersonal relationships...." Read more
"It was so simple to read, yet i couldnt stop nodding my head like "Thats it!"..." Read more
"...The premise is well written...." Read more
"...Gottman is the leader in relationship counseling but readily accessible. Bravo!" Read more
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I have been making changes everyday which are affecting all the people I deal with for the better, even though for me I KNEW he was and still is the problem. LOL!
Cream of the crop of relationship books and for the past 20 years, I thought that I had read them all .. This book is better than all of those put together!!
Not a quick or fast read. It is more of a study book and a life guide book.
When one of my best friends confided to me that her husband had moved out and they were on the verge of divorce, I said, "Read this book together with him. It changed my life. Maybe it can help you, too." A few months later, she told me through tears that going through the process of reading this book together had changed their life too, and that now they were closer than ever. I ended up buying another copy to keep for myself.
For the preview- it breaks communication down to simple "bids" for connection, the way you could respond to them, and the outcomes of various types of responses. Apparently, we are a lot more predictable than we realize, and I have found the information to be tried and true in my life since I first read the hardcover edition when it first came out, happening upon it by accident in the bookstore.
This book is a reader friendly overview of Gottman's scientific research on romantic interpersonal relationships. In the past I had read a ton of other relationship books, but none of these were substantiated by published, peer reviewed, scientific research. Since I'm working on my own PhD, at some point the lighbulb went off, and I did some research in the university library on what to read...and found out that Gottman is one of the few well respected academic experts on interpersonal romantic relationships (and other things.) If you look into some of the Interpersonal Communication psychology textbooks, some of them even compare Gottman's research to the gender stereotyped stuff that's out there...well, let's just say I had wasted a lot of money on things like Mars/Venus.
Overall, I was very happy to read this book. It does not deal with gender stereotypes or cookie cutter instructions on how to act like a desirable man or a woman. It also does not make you feel bad for not "understanding the system" or the "other gender" or whatever. Rather, it but substantiates the grown up point of view that we are all individual humans and that you actually have to do some homework - that you have to learn, and be attentive to, the specific ways that your special person communicates his/her needs and emotions, given their specific background and experiences, in your specific relationship.
Not easy to do, and it means work on your part, but it takes away all those "I am not good at this so tell me what to do" feelings that the other amateur hack books out there pray on.
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Scritto in modo chiaro e comprensibile, meglio leggerlo in inglese, rimane molto più diretto e incisivo
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