5 best bits from HBO's Amy Schumer: Live at the Apollo

Amy Schumer’s comedy isn’t always easy to transfer from stage to paper (er, webpage): In her latest special, HBO’s Amy Schumer: Live at the Apollo, some of the highlights include her physical interpretation of little Amy getting her period and losing her two front teeth at the same time, her impression of the First Lady waddling to the bathroom post-intercourse, and her retelling of the first time she met her Trainwreck trainer — all bits of physical comedy that need to be seen rather than read. But here are five of the best bits from the one-hour special that do translate:

1. Her opening on how women’s underwear always looks… well, she can take it from here: “I made two New Year’s resolutions. No. 1, I wanted to catfish someone. Did it, loved it, recommend it. And No. 2 was to this year just once take off a pair of underwear and make it not look like I blew my nose in it.”

2. Her review of 2011’s Zookeeper, which revolves around Kevin James not noticing (the undoubtedly stunning) Rosario Dawson for most of the movie: “That movie’s about talking animals — there’s a beaver and a penguin that are friends and talk about opening a bed-and-breakfast — but that’s not the most unrealistic part of that movie. It’s Rosario pretending — she should get an Oscar for that f—ing movie. Let’s see Meryl do that. I dare you, Meryl! Pretend like you’re dying to have Kevin James deep-d–k you. I dare you. It’s f—ed up in Hollywood.”

3. Her explanation of her Trainwreck trainer’s unrealistic diet plan: “He’s like, okay, here’s your new diet. So for breakfast, you’ll have a smoothie. Then for lunch, you’ll journal about that smoothie. And then you put a peanut under your pillow and you hope you dream about pizza.”

4. Her attempt to see if her audience members are “bad people”: “I’m such a sucker for an accent. Like an English guy, or a deaf guy. Mmmm. That was a test to see if you were bad people. You are. I do feel bad about that. My mom’s a speech and hearing therapist for the deaf, and she’s gonna hear that. [Pauses] But they won’t.”

5. Her friend met Kate Upton at a basketball game — and thought she was funny (spoiler: she, uh, wasn’t): “I’m like, ‘What did she say that was so funny?’ And he was like, ‘Well, we were talking about playing pool later, and she was like, ‘Get ready to lose.’ I was like, ‘Oh, when’s her hour special coming out on HBO?’ F–k you. Wouldn’t that have gone so different if it were just like a normal-looking girl? ‘Get ready to lose.’ They would have been like, ‘Did you hear that c–t?’ But instead they were like, ‘Oh my God, you should be Seinfeld!’ “

Amy Schumer: Live at the Apollo premiered on HBO Oct. 17.