If Alastair Campbell can write a children’s book of politics, why shouldn’t Nigel Farage?

Struggling to think of a suitable gift for your child’s birthday? Keen to buy him or her an improving book? Well, you’re in luck. Because the revered thinker Alastair Campbell has just published not one but two children’s books – all about politics. They are Alastair Campbell Talks Politics, which is aimed at teenagers, and Why Politics Matters, which is aimed at children aged six to nine.

This is of course wonderful news. We often talk about the importance of getting the young to take an interest in politics. And no doubt they will hugely benefit from the guidance, wisdom and shining moral example of Mr Dodgy Dossier.

All the same, one thought does trouble me. It’s nice that there are such a lot of children’s books about politics these days. But why do they all seem to be Left-wing?

The single, reasonably recent exception I’m aware of is the late David McKee’s book from 2010: Denver, a simple picture story that cleverly highlights the dangers of punitive taxation and the politics of envy. Perhaps the message was too subtle for the publishers to spot.

Otherwise, though, the children’s market has become flooded with books that noisily promote progressive activism and ideals. To list just a few titles: A is for Activist, Antiracist Baby, Feminist Baby, Woke Baby (“For all the littlest progressives, waking up to seize a new day of justice and activism”), The Young Activist’s Dictionary of Social Justice, The Hips on the Drag Queen Go Swish, Swish, Swish, and – possibly my favourite – No! My First Book of Protest (“Reading age: Baby-three years”).  

I’m sorry, but enough is enough. In the interests of fairness and balance, it’s time for publishers to stop being so blatantly one-sided – and start commissioning children’s books that are Right-wing, too.

In case the publishers are short of ideas, here are a few suggestions.

B is for Border Control

Conservative sequel to A is for Activist, explaining that, while it may at first feel gloriously noble and heroic to block the take-off of a deportation flight, you may end up feeling a tiny bit silly when it turns out that the person the Home Office was trying to deport is a convicted gang rapist.

The Big March

Charming picture book. When Mummy Bear and Daddy Bear take Baby Bear on a protest march against Israel, Baby Bear asks: “Mummy and Daddy, if diversity is our strength, why are these people in keffiyehs waving swastikas and calling for holy war? And why has Mr Policeman just arrested that man waving a sign which reads ‘Hamas are terrorists’, a statement that simply reflects longstanding UK law?”

A Child’s Guide to What Used to Be Considered Extremely Basic Biology Until About Five Minutes Ago

Reference book helpfully explaining the differences between boys and girls, since many grown-ups, and in particular teachers, no longer seem to know.

My Friend Donald

Heartwarming bedtime story by Nigel Farage. Our hero, Donald Triumph, is the strongest, fittest, bravest, cleverest, tallest and most handsome man in America. But can he save the world from the threat of the evil villain, Joe Bad ’Un? Probably, yes, because Joe can barely even remember what day it is.

The myth of ‘the centre ground’

George Osborne has become the latest figure to promulgate the biggest myth in modern politics. Labour won the election, he claims in his podcast, by “moving to the centre”.

Nonsense. Just look at the numbers. In 2019, Labour got 10.3m votes. Yet in 2024, it got only 9.7m votes. So, since “moving to the centre”, the party has actually lost voters. It’s less popular than at its nadir under Jeremy Corbyn.

Its landslide victory, therefore, had nothing to do with moving to “the centre ground”, wherever that mysterious territory may lie. Instead, it won because millions of people were so heartily sick of what they saw as the Tories’ incompetence, scandals and broken promises. As we can see from the fact that the Tories lost over half their voters from 2019.

Given how furious these former voters were, it didn’t matter whether Labour was in “the centre” or not. This time, it could have stood on Mao’s Little Red Book and won.

Health servicing

When Sir Keir Starmer pledged to revitalise our beleaguered health service, many voters will have been sceptical. Clearly, however, he means business. Just look at this eye-opening headline from the GB News website this week.

It read: “Peter Phillips Shows Off New NHS Girlfriend at Wimbledon.”

Remarkable. I know you used to be able to get NHS spectacles. But I never knew you could get NHS girlfriends.

What an exciting innovation. I take it they’re free at the point of use. Presumably you just go to your GP, and get one on prescription. “To be taken three times a day, before meals.” Or after, I suppose, if you’ve just treated them to a romantic candlelit dinner.

At any rate, credit where it’s due. This radical new policy initiative should both end the crisis of loneliness among young men, and boost our country’s flagging birth rate.

Thank you, Sir Keir. You promised change, and already you’ve delivered.

Way of the World is a twice-weekly satirical look at the headlines aiming to mock the absurdities of the modern world. It is published at 7am every Tuesday and Saturday