Our take: ''The Brady Bunch Movie''

Our take: ”The Brady Bunch Movie”

Once The Addams Family became a hit, it was only a matter of time. Now Paramount, the studio responsible for The Brady Bunch TV series, is planning to roll out The Brady Bunch Movie next July. Although the story is still being written by original Brady creator Sherwood Schwartz and son Lloyd — and no cast has been signed — producer David Kirkpatrick says to expect some melodrama in the big-screen version. ”It involves the Brady Bunch in a crisis situation,” he says. ”Though the picture is predominantly a comedy, there will be moments of genuine emotion and pathos.”

Just in case the Schwartzes exhausted all their good ideas between 1969 and 1974, here’s the movie we’d like to see (oh, and Paramount, if you decide to use any of this, remember Art Buchwald).

In search of wisdom that will help her come to grips with her new braces, Marcia Brady (Sarah Jessica Parker) scans the ”Dear Libby” advice column in the Westdale Gazette. Fear grips her when she reads a letter from a domestic servant who’s hopelessly in love with a mass murderer. The maid worries, however, that her lover might try to hurt her employers, ”a generous couple with six beautiful children.” Marcia is convinced that the maid is Alice (Jodie Foster) and that her sinister lover is none other than Sam the butcher (Anthony Hopkins). Hilarity ensues. She tries to warn Mom and Dad (Woody Allen and Mia Farrow). They just laugh, and Dad asks her to a Knicks game. Meanwhile, disturbed middle daughter Jan (Jennifer Jason Leigh) has been dangling Tiger (Beethoven) out a second-floor window, and youngest daughter Cindy (Drew Barrymore) is caught guzzling Jim Beam in the laundry room. Marcia looks for her three brothers-Greg (Alec Baldwin), Peter (William Baldwin), and Bobby (Stephen Baldwin) — and discovers that they’ve gone to visit…Sam the Butcher!

She races her Schwinn 10-speed to his shop and finds her brothers trapped in the meat locker, frozen stiff. Terrified, she tries to jimmy the locker door with her charm bracelet. The bracelet breaks. Sam returns. Marcia uses karate to knock him cold. Just as she’s about to tenderize him with his own meat cleaver, Dear Libby herself (Dr. Ruth Westheimer) appears and assures her that Sam is not the butcher in her column. Sam comes to and rescues the Brady boys. Bobby had accidentally locked them in while Sam was away. Mom and Dad plan a trip Hawaii to thaw the boys out. More hilarity — as well as a sequel — ensues.