Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet

1 EBAY They canceled an auction for a human kidney. The bidding was hot until they found out it was ”as is.”

2 KEVIN SPACEY The Oscar-winning actor denied he’s gay. If that doesn’t work, he plans to marry Lisa Marie Presley.

3 CHAPPAQUA, N.Y. The Clintons have bought a new house there. Chappaqua is an Algonquin word that means ”close to golf course.”

4 STIGMATA A young woman mysteriously starts bleeding from her hands and feet. Is it a sign from God or is she a migrant farmworker?

5 ACTION Jay Mohr stars as an amoral, vulgar, egotistical, manipulative Hollywood movie exec. Finally, a TV show that reflects real life.

6 PROGRESS Scientists have learned how to make mice with better memories. Just what we always wanted: smarter vermin.

7 GOOD MORNING AMERICA They have a new studio where the public can stand outside and wave like morons. Their next big idea is birthday greetings to 100-year-old geezers.

8 MONICA LEWINSKY She’s on the Jenny Craig weight-loss plan. As opposed to the Camryn Manheim plan she was on.

9 FREAKS AND GEEKS A show about people the jocks and cheerleaders teased in high school. They now call them ”boss.”

10 WASTELAND A new series about six friends not having the time of their lives. Imagine the exact opposite of a beer ad.

11 KATHIE LEE Does she wear a bra on her morning TV show or not? Inquiring people with no lives want to know.

12 THE EMMY AWARDS The prize you earn for quality television. They’ll be giving out three, maybe four this year.

13 BEANIE BABIES They’re going to be discontinued. Disappointing millions of adults who pretend they’re collecting them for their kids.

14 CYBILL SHEPHERD The Drudge Report says the actress is thinking of running for President. If she wins, the inauguration will be on the first good-hair day in January.

15 MICKEY ROURKE He walked off a movie because the producers wouldn’t use his pet Chihuahua in a scene. They were afraid Rourke might be upstaged.