Sound Bites: The week's best TV quotes

”Anne Heche has signed a deal to write her autobiography. It’ll be the classic tale of a small-town girl who goes to Hollywood and becomes a lesbian to help her career.”
Craig Kilborn on The Late Late Show

”Since then, Madonna has accepted my apology. I’ve actually been chosen to be the father of her next child.”
Carson Daly, explaining the Material Girl’s reaction after he missed her CD release party, on Total Request Live

”The seven marvels that best represent man’s achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote … so look for Howard Stern’s Private Parts to come in number one.”
Jon Stewart on The Daily Show

”Patrick [Ewing] was traded to the Seattle Supersonics … When they asked Patrick how he feels about moving to the rainiest city in the country, he said, ‘Hey, the way I sweat, it won’t make a difference.”’
Chris Rock on The Chris Rock Show