Sound Bites

”Here’s good news: The U.S. forces in Iraq have captured the ace of diamonds…. Donald Rumsfeld says we are this close to gin.” DAVID LETTERMAN ON LATE SHOW

”You cannot argue with me. I’m a debater. I’m, uh, I’m a lawyer. I have lawyer in me.” PERSONAL TRAINER ZACK, DEFENDING HIS INTELLIGENCE ON PARADISE HOTEL

”The new Harry Potter book came out today and author J.K. Rowling says that in this one, Harry’s ‘hormones kick in.’ You can tell Harry’s hormones have kicked in because in this book he’s dating Demi Moore.” CONAN O’BRIEN ON LATE NIGHT

”In New York, they’ve just doubled the fines for parking violations, you can’t smoke anyplace, and they’re considering a ban on cell phones in movie theaters. They’re making it really tough to be an a — hole in this town.” GREG GIRALDO ON TOUGH CROWD WITH COLIN QUINN